Beauty can be a trap.
Find your beauty within.
Let the relationship happen.
You’ve gotta get out there to get over yourself. It’s in relating to a real potential partner in a real setting that things might become interesting. If you don’t go to bars as part of your lifestyle, you might not want to meet your new potential partner at a bar. If you are not a runner you might be stretching a bit to date a partner that runs marathons and trains constantly. Or you might be willing to grow and change. You might have aspirations for who your partner is, and those might fuel some positive changes in your life. Or you might be trying to date out of your weight class.
One of the biggest problems with online dating, as reported by the online dating sites themselves, is that people tend to reach above their beauty and fitness level for someone who they aspire to be with or be like. Here’s the biggest dating advice I can give:
Get over yourself. Examine what you want in life, what kinds of things you like to do, then go do those things. Dating should not be a priority. Your life is the priority. When you aspire too much for someone too beautiful you might be getting off track for what’s important in your life. Ask yourself, “What is important in my next relationship?” Is beauty the number one requirement? My guess is that your answer is no. Beauty is important, but it’s not the most important thing. In my experience, the “beautiful” people tend to rely on that beauty for advantages in life. They may have cut some corners in their personal growth and development if they have always been pursued.
*** A public service announcement: John is offering free 30-minute coaching sessions to talk about what’s going on in your life. Take advantage of this no-obligation offer. Let’s chat. ***
You’ve got to put yourself in a place, even just in your own mind, where YOU are the catch. You are the person worth pursuing. When you begin to invest more time in yourself and less time in searching for a beautiful partner, you are on your way to a happier life. Relationships may come and go, but your relationship to yourself, your feelings of self-worth, and the time you spend doing the things you love… Well, that’s the formula for happiness right there.
ONLINE DATING ADVICE – STEP ONE:
- Seeking a Friend for the End of the World: On Soulmates & Lovers
- Evolved Dating: Driven in the Non-linear World of Relationships
- Online Dating Adventure: What Is Your Quest?
ONLINE DATING ADVICE – STEP TWO:
Describe your ideal partner.
- Dating for Adults in An Online World: The Lover You Are Looking For
- The Gamification of Online Dating: Why You’re Not Connecting
- The Beauty Trap: How Good Looks Can Lead Us Astray
- The Hierarchy of Relationship Needs: My Four Levels of Attraction
ONLINE DATING ADVICE – STEP THREE:
Explore what you like to do
What do you do on the weekend when you are alone? Write your profile around the activities you actually love, not the things you think your ideal partner might love.
- Self-Care and Fitness: How You Treat Yourself Says More than You Think
- Why The Amazingly Beautiful Woman Is Not Responding to My Messages
- Wondering About Beauty, Sex, and My Pursuit of a Lasting Relationship
- Online Dating Challenges: Men vs. Women
ONLINE DATING ADVICE – STEP FOUR:
Reach out to every potential you see.
Online dating is like farming, you have to put a lot of seeds in the ground to get a harvest.)
- Swiping Right: The Artificial High of Online Dating Apps
- Revealed Truths About Online Dating Apps (2018 Online Dating Study)
- Online Dating Apps: Do You Have the Time and Energy for Romance?
ONLINE DATING ADVICE – STEP FIVE:
Don’t waste time “dating.”
- Evolved Dating: 4 Ideas About Dating with Mindfulness
- Sexy Sex and the Other Two Kinds of Romantic Relationship
- Here and Now: Touching Objects of Desire
- DATING METAPHOR: Two Tails Are Wagging or Neither Tail Is Wagging
ONLINE DATING ADVICE – STEP SIX:
Be bold with your emotions and your passions.
- When Everything Goes Right: Do You Have a Dating Roadmap?
- Standing Strong Together: Boundaries and Relationships in the #METOO Era
- Big Love Burns Through All Other Things
ONLINE DATING ADVICE – STEP SEVEN:
Keep sex for dessert.
- The Joy of Sex Itself: What Are the Sexual Differences Between Men & Women?
- Dating and Sex: A Guide for Dating
- 17 Simple Ways to Say “I Love You”
- Sexual Energy and the Strength of #Desire in Men and Women
ONLINE DATING ADVICE – STEP EIGHT:
Walk away from near misses.
- Beautiful Women and Refactoring My Approach to Dating After Divorce
- Sex Without Desire Is More Like Porn Than Lovemaking
- Learning from the Hits and Misses of My Last Relationship
ONLINE DATING ADVICE – STEP NINE:
Learn from each dating adventure.
- Online Dating Optimized
- Relationships at the Speed of Life: On Becoming a Couple Together
- Dating Lessons: All This Swiping Feels a Bit Demeaning
ONLINE DATING ADVICE – STEP TEN:
Get over yourself.
- Crossing the Chasm into Fantastic Realism: Salvation and Celebration
- More Self-Care, Less Rush Rush Stress and Anxiety
- You Are Loved: A Meditation on Self-love and Self-awareness
- Stepping Back Into the Breach: Dating Again
ONLINE DATING ADVICE – Learn About Men:
- 6 Lies About Men’s Fear of Commitment: Understanding and Loving Men
- The Major Downsides of Dating a Single Dad: YourTango Dating Advice
- 18 Signs a Man Likes You: Dating Again as a Single Mom
In my experience of online dating, I have found the numbers game is a bit of a trap. If we are constantly presented with a new crop of dating potential by each new app, each new site that promises us new features and new partners, each alert on our Apple Watches saying “Someone new liked you on Bumble, go see if they are a match.” If we constantly look for the next partner, we might be missing a good bit of our life and happiness in the moment. Being mindful of your present moment is a powerful step in self-awareness that can help you be more grounded and more clear when seeking your next relationship.
Final Encouragement for Online Dating
Don’t give up. Just because all of your previous relationships have failed, does not mean that the next date might be The One. Yes, even after all this time, I am still searching for The One. The Last One. Dating is exciting, but dating has never been my goal. I am most happy and settled when I’m in a loving relationship with a partner. All of this swiping and chatting is a distraction away from living our authentic lives. Let’s be more mindful in our dating and more mindful in how we live our lives. Then let’s find The Last One.
As a certified life coach, I’ve been helping men and women find fulfilling relationships. If you’d like to chat for 30-minutes about your dating/relationship challenges, I always give the first 30-session away for free. LEARN ABOUT COACHING WITH JOHN. There are no obligations to continue. But I get excited every time I talk to someone new. I can offer new perspectives and experiences from my post-divorce dating journey. Most of all, I can offer hope.
Get the complete single dad story with John’s new book: Single Dad Seeks (available in all formats)
New Dating Strategy:
- Action Not Intention Will Determine How Long I’m Single
- Offline Dating: Setting Intentions and Actions in Real Life
- Getting Good At Blameless Breakups
- Why Online Dating is a Distraction and Not a Solution
- The 6-Step Relationship Strategy
- The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
- Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex–and How to Get It
- The Soul of Sex: Cultivating Life as an Act of Love
- Zen Sex: The Way of Making Love