Relationships at the Speed of Life

Relationships at the Speed of Life

We’ve got to both be into the evolution of becoming a couple.

Things are slowing down a bit. The Bumble matches have stopped popping up. The one dating app connection seems to be out of town. The traditional dating sites (OK Cupid and Match) feel stale and uninspiring. Perhaps it’s me. Perhaps it’s my new approach: let the match come to me. I’ll live my life as fully and joyfully as possible, and see who shows up in my path. And then, just express my intention towards a potential date and let some of the next moves come from them.

This is new for me. I’m a pursuer. I want what I want and I will make it happen. And… That’s not working for me. I think a more mindful approach to dating, and ultimately life, is my current lesson.

It’s not that I haven’t given myself speeding tickets and time-outs before. I have. This time feels different. And perhaps it’s the woman who started this entire “hold up and let her respond” pause in my mojo. Perhaps, meeting someone so right, caused me to stop and reconsider all of my momentum. She has a full life, as a single mom with a kid in high school. I have a full life. Let’s see where the two might intersect in a joyful way.

As we all say, “Timing is everything.”

If the timing is off the relationship won’t work. And there is not much either individual can do about the cycles of life. If I meet a seemingly perfect woman just as I’m starting a relationship with another woman, I have missed that opportunity. Or, I guess, I could reroute all energies, drop woman one and go after the “dream” of woman two. But that’s also not advised. People show up in our lives for a reason. The decision to enter a relationship with them or not is a separate decision.

What can I plan for in assessing the next few dates? What qualities am I looking for? What things am I hoping to avoid in the next relationship?

Wants

  • An independent woman with projects and dreams of her own
  • Ambition towards some goal beyond the mundane
  • A balanced perspective on the relationship failures of the past
  • Able to take responsibility for her own issues and, when necessary, deal with them outside the relationship
  • An attractiveness that gets my inner devil excited
  • Physically oriented – towards fitness and sexual enjoyment

Red Flags

  • Still struggling with issues of past relationships (co-parenting struggles if a parent)
  • Alcohol as an establishing factor for entertainment
  • Passive aggressive modes of expression
  • Trouble finding the time or making the time for the relationship

I’ve repeatedly stated I’m looking for a woman to show up fully formed and ready. But perhaps that is some fantasy I’ve constructed in my new age outlook about love. But, what I do know is I am not willing to put in the time and effort to grow into a couple if the red flags keep sidelining both of us.

Sure, I’m a handful. I’m whimsical. I’m capricious. I have a lot of irons in the fire. And, sure, I demand a woman with a high level of confidence and well-seasoned experience in relationship building. We’ve got to both be into the evolution of becoming a couple. There are compromises, changes, and aspirational dreams, that will all come into play. We need to enter that magical realm on equal footing or we’re likely to veer off the path into a crevasse.

I understand, for this woman to appear, I’ve got to do a little searching. Some of that searching is within. What do I want? Does this woman begin to tickle the wants? How do we match up?

At the moment, I am flying solo and happy about it. I am also preparing the healthy space for the next woman. And, as I learned in my last relationship, it is important to ask for what you want. So, I put it out to the universe, “This is what I want.” And then I actively wait by continuing to grow my own joyous life. Joy attracts joy.

Always Love,

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

back to Dating After DivorceBeautiful Women and Refactoring My Approach to Love

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