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Top 3 Online Dating Hot Tips: Finding a Real Relationship

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If we approach this as a team, men and women, rather than a competition, perhaps, we can find a match.

Online dating is hard. And, I believe it’s hard in different ways for men and women. Here’s what I understand to be the state of dating in the world of apps and sites.

  • Women have a hard time deciding on their profile pictures
  • If someone has not been taking care of themselves for a long time it shows
  • Men are predators (relentless, hungry, hunting, animals)
  • The cute ones don’t have time to even read your message much less look at your profile
  • A good portion of the profiles are not interested in dating at all
  • Online dating gives us too many options and too few filters (why am I swiping left so damn much?)
  • A ready pool of potential dates gives us a sense of adventure
  • If your online dating profile is still active you must still be looking, right?
  • The 1% solution is to be honest and raw

We will never meet each other if you’re hiding behind a profile that doesn’t represent your awesomeness. Here are a few things that I notice, when swiping, that really turn me off:

  • Leading with your breasts or hot body
  • Drinking is obviously an important part of your personality
  • Old photos of a cuter/younger you will not serve you in the long run
  • Profiles and photos that show “I don’t really care”
  • I’m really, really happy
  • Sunglasses are not a very good disguise
  • Are we even on the same planet
  • Oh, you really do look your age

I realize I’m a demanding customer. I’m not that everyman who’s looking to date, or score, or flirt. I have an intention behind every interaction on Bumble or Tinder. I am looking for a long-term relationship. (LTR) Everything else is a distraction. If you are too sex-focused in your profile pic I see a problem. “Why do you think your boobs are the best you have to offer?” If your photos are too hot, boudoir shots, I know you’re after something other than a relationship. (A sugar daddy, perhaps?) If your photos are too casual I wonder about your motivation. (Did you sign up on a dare? Because it looks like you don’t really give a damn.)

Here’s my MO (modus operandi): Let’s cut to the chase. If we think we are mutually attractive let’s skip the long flirtations and get right to a face-to-face meeting or a phone call.

Online Dating HOT TIP #1:

Let’s Talk

You can weed out a miss on a phone call in about 2 minutes – save yourself the trouble and time of a face-to-face date.

Only by getting together can we feel the real vibe between us. Pictures and profiles are gateways, but our chemistry is only charged up by sharing the same air. If there’s a hit we will both feel it. If there’s not a hit for one of us it will be obvious.

Online Dating HOT TIP #2

If it’s ON you will both be asking, “What’s next?”

There’s a lot of swiping and “noping” that needs to happen to get down to a select few “women of potential.” And for me, today, there are ZERO “potentials” in my online dating apps. (, OK Cupid, Tinder, Bumble) ZERO. In fact, I’m bored with opening the sites and getting bored with the apps. It’s an adventure out there, but I’m finding that casual encounters in real life might be more fruitful.

What if I started showing up where I think I’d like to end up? If I want to play tennis with my next girlfriend, how can I show up at some mixed doubles events, or coed tennis workout sessions at the local public courts? If I want a spiritual seeker, where will she likely be on Sunday morning? (ecstatic dance, church, a hiking meetup group) How can I begin to show up where she might be? That seems to be the formula for jump-starting my real-world dating strategy.

Sure, I’ll keep the apps on my phone, and I’ll gaze at the profiles from time to time, but I’m not buying 95% of your profiles. Let me correct that. I’m not interested in 99% of the dating profiles I see online. But I’m 100% interested in finding a long-term relationship. So what’s the rub?

Online dating is like farming. You plant a ton of seeds (saying hello in an online app) and wait to see if any sprout. So far, I’ve had zero sprouts with hundreds of contacts. Am I not putting out a valid and honest vibe on my profile? Am I coming across as too cute, over-positive, too eager? I know I am eager. And, I’m learning how to be less type-a in my approach. Still, there is some key component missing from today’s online dating experience: heart.

We’re too swipey. Cute or not cute. That is rarely the right question when attempting to find a new relationship. Sure, within reason, a certain amount of physical attraction is essential, but we’ve got to get beyond the swipe to something authentic. A recent “hello date” remarked last week, “You need to change your profile photo. You’re much cuter than your picture.”

Online Dating HOT TIP #3

Show me what you really are.

Tell me what you really want. Be authentic. This is not a sales channel.

Okay, I’ll do that. And you, available ladies, get your authentic relationship face on. And I guess, if you’re boobs are what you think is the best part of you, well, lead with that. It’s a left swipe for me no matter how cute or happy you appear. Let’s not start with your boobs. I’ll promise not to lead with my other head. Let’s see if we can meet in the middle somewhere here in the real world.

What are your experiences using online dating apps/sites? I’d love to hear what’s working for you in the comments here or on Facebook.

If we approach this as a team, men and women, rather than a competition, perhaps, we can find a match.


John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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