The Joy of Sex Itself: What Are the Sexual Differences Between Men & Women?

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Let’s Make Love, Not Orgasms.

masturbation men vs women — What emoji is missing from “men?”

When I saw this post on social media today it struck a chord. We are very different in our approaches to sexual pleasure. And these differences can enter the bedroom when we begin learning about another person’s sexual style, sexual turn-ons, and turn-offs. And that funny question from online dating, “Do you want your partner to be kinkier than you?”

Do You Want Your Partner To Be Kinkier Than You?

Um… Well, if I have to be honest here, I’d say my answer is a resounding yes. (But I’ll qualify that in a later post.) And I’d guess the male population would be 99% in agreement with my answer. Yes, we always want our partner to be more kinky than we are. Why? Because it shows energy, excitement, and potentially unknown pleasures ahead in our sexual journey together.

I would also guess that women are mixed in their response to this question. Here are some ideas I have about why women and men are different in our approaches to sex.

Don’t get too kinky on me babe
Anal sex is scary, might be off limits, might be a new horizon (if it’s unknown then it’s probably scary)
How far is too far sexually?
Has my partner had too many partners, too much experience, too much kink?
Will my partner become sexually obsessed, addicted, problematic?
With experimentation comes joy, adventure, excitement
With experimentation can also come shame, pain, or dark feelings that cannot be easily explained
Sex can be hard to talk about,
Kinky sex can be hard to explore while maintaining closeness and safety
Kinky of many varieties might not be in your future

So sex… Let’s break down some of the differences between men and women. Let’s explore some of the misconceptions. And then let’s talk about how we move forward together into this world of sex as a couple.

Men Are

Ready to go sexual much more easily than women
Need sexual release to feel healthy and relaxed
Driven by sexual desire, sexual chemistry, and sexual hormones (testosterone)
Easily aroused, easily pleasured, and easily satisfied
Focused on the orgasm, and can usually achieve orgasm quickly

Women Are

More emotionally connected, and require more emotional foreplay
Interested in connecting spiritually and emotionally, rather than sexually
Have lower sex drives than men
Less interested in sex, kinky sex, and sexual discovery
Difficult to please sexually, may or may not achieve orgasm even with substantial effort
Not driven by sexual needs and more interested in sexual connection than sexual release

A few things stick out like a sore thumb when we look at these lists of accepted sexual roles for men and women.

Women don’t desire or enjoy sex as much as men.

This is utter and complete bullshit. Don’t believe the lies you’ve been told in the past. Listen to me, right now: women can be just as sexually aggressive and dominant as men. And a woman can want sex just as much as any man. I’m sure one of my former partners will smile when she reads this post. Her sexual exploits were part of her allure and her potency in our relationship.

Women don’t want quickie sex.

There may be some truth to the fact that our sexual energies are driven by different emotional and chemical systems, but… There are plenty of women who are hot to go, interested in sex when they can get it, and who even proposition their male partners more than they are propositioned. Sex is a powerful connector. Sex is also a bit like a drug. You can become addicted to sex. And when sex becomes too much of the focus of a relationship there are major problems that can come arise.

Women are more emotional than men.

Again, utter bullshit. Yes, there are stereotypes that we have seen and believed. And there are men who are 100% emotionally available, as there are women who are 90% physical and 10% emotional. It is obvious that men are trained to be less vulnerable, less emotionally expressive, since birth. Men are raised to fight wars. But men can heal their emotional bodies, men can make peace with their pain bodies (E Tolle), and men can open up their feelings just as deeply as any woman. We’re emotional beings. Men have been conditioned to ignore their feelings. We’ve got a long way to go, but we (men) can heal, and we want to heal, and in a hetero-world, a relationship with a woman is the only way to deeply connect to your emotional/relational self. And sex is part of that unlocking process.

Orgasm Is the Goal, Always, For Both Men and Women.

Orgasms are great. Orgasms release huge amounts of hormones and endorphins into our bodies. And, orgasms are NOT EVERYTHING. I know that’s going to come as a shock to many of you. But here’s the truth: as you age, orgasm becomes less important in your sexual fulfillment.

What I’ve learned about myself over the last series of relationships is that sex is fun, and sex, the act of sex, is actually the goal. If I orgasm, great. If I don’t orgasm, great. I am having sex. That’s the great part.

Also in my past, I have been on meds that make it extremely difficult for me to orgasm. While frustrating, it was also like having a superpower. I could continue making love to my partner like a porn star. If they were multi-orgasmic, then more was better. Hell, during these phases, I’d have to say I was extremely frustrated, but I was also enjoying sex a lot. The orgasm, or my lack of, did become a source of concern for my partner. But, this concern also fostered very necessary conversations about the joy of sex itself, rather than the focus on our orgasms during sex.

The Joy of Sex Itself

Also in my past, I was proud of my ability to wait on my orgasm until my partner had achieved their own nirvana. If we could come together, great. But I was committed to the “she comes first” motto. And my lovemaking was crafted and orchestrated around pleasing the woman first, resulting in an orgasm, and then turning my attention inward to see if I could achieve an orgasm as well. Frequently, during some more stressful moments in my past, I was unable to achieve orgasm at all. The woman was well pleased, so that was good, but I could not come, no matter how I tried. No matter how she tried.

Then I read Sexual Intelligence. And here’s what I learned: the orgasm is like a dessert. It’s nice.

HERE IS THE BOTTOM LINE ON SEX: The entire act of having sex, of sexual foreplay, sexual teasing, and sexual arousal, is even MORE FULFILLING than orgasm.

I know that’s going to be difficult for some of you to agree with, but hear me out.

I Love Making Love

If the act of making love becomes the most pleasurable part of having sex then your enjoyment is spread out over 30 – 45 minutes. If your joy at being in the act of having sex is as rich as your joy of that high moment of orgasmic bliss, then you’ve just extended your sexual pleasure zone by 1000%.

Let’s make, love not orgasms.

More data to come. (grin)

Always Love,

John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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