A bit over a year ago I wrote a post:
And at that point in my life, the message was clear. I was burning up with love and intensity for life. I was overheating and pushing down on the accelerator and what I was learning is this: at some point even great things are exhausting. And wild parties, as fun as they are, must wrap up, and guests must all return home and get some rest. Down periods are part of the natural world. No one, not even Bruce Springsteen can rock 24/7. So I was learning, that even in a high-burn phase, a highly creative period, I was burning myself out. So, I listened to what my spirit and body were telling me. I stopped.
Then, in November of last year my happy life fell off a cliff again with the recurring awareness that I hardly ever see my kids. We’d just returned from a 3-day whirlwind tour of New York City, and I returned home to my awesome, yet empty, condo, and my awesome, but lonely, single fatherhood. I dropped out of the stratosphere and plummeted towards the ocean floor. But I did not crash. Not completely. I did not crater, or fall apart, or lose it. I was unhappy, but I was highly-functional. I survived some severe setbacks, a death in the family, and the loss of a lover. And, while Christmas was sad, I was okay in my sadness and loneliness. I wanted a relationship, but I did not need one.
Ten days ago I wrote this:
Again, the message was slow-the-fk-down. I was cresting another creative acceleration and I was starting to feel the ache in my soul as well as my body. Even as things were going unbelievably well, I was unraveling. My pain-body was beginning to show up in a big way. But, it was weird, because things were starting to take off again creatively and … (I’ve agreed not to write too much about that other area of my life.) Let’s just say my body, heart, and mind were on fire with passion and pleasure. And in this fire, I was getting overcooked. I was feeling the exhilaration and the exhausting in the same second. Like a binary switch flipping back and forth between YES and NO. I wasn’t sleeping very well, or very much. I was stretching out again in the flow of joy and passion. And I was heading directly for the heart of the sun.
So, again, I hit the pause button. Not a full stop this time. Just a “hold up a minute” pause. And I relaxed and rested in that reset. I allowed the people around me to breathe and relax back into their individual priorities. And I became willing to let go of all that had been heating me up. I was prepared to walk alone into the fire of whatever salvation awaited me in the stillness.
Salvation Is An Inward Journey
And then three days ago something amazing took place. I believe the Universe, for the first time in my post-divorce adult life, gave me the high sign. Just a few days ago, my life exploded into LOVE. Into YES. Into some sort of SELF-SALVATION.
Let me track it for you:
- I was late for work, my work shirt was still wet from the laundry, and I was hauling ass down an empty tollway
- A police officer on a motorcycle flew up behind me, lights flashing, as I was pulling into the development where my office is
- I expressed my apologies and gave the officer my license and registration
- He asked why I was in such a hurry – I replied, “I’m sorry. I’m late for work. It’s a new job. And it’s right there, about 500 feet away.
- “Just a minute,” he said, stepping back to his motorcycle to radio in my credentials and make sure I was not on America’s Most Wanted
- He came back and smiled at me. “Take it easy, John. Slow down out there. Have a good day.”
- He let me off a speeding ticket that would’ve run me around $450.
- And in doing so, I was five minutes early for work
Okay, so that’s no miracle. But I can tell you in some 35 years of driving I’ve never been let off of a speeding ticket. He didn’t even write up a warning. He just said, “Have a good day.”
Green Lights Across the Board (Everything Is In It’s Right Place)
I was exhausted as I rolled into work. And at my 11 am break, I walked over to Juiceland and ordered a few tonics to see if I could pick my dragging ass up for the next 6 hours of my shift.
The Juiceland guy and I have been chatting about music and stuff, so he was happy to see me. “How’s it going, dude?”
“Pretty rough day, at the moment,” I said. And then it struck me. “Wait a minute,” I said, with a smile on my face. He lit up a bit in my revelation. “I got pulled over for a speeding ticket this morning on my way in. And the policeman LET ME OFF. This just might be a great day. I am tired. But, hell, that’s nothing. I think this is a great day. Let me reframe that first statement. It’s not pretty rough, it’s pretty great.”
And that’s the turnaround. That’s the Universe answering. That is the control/mixing board of life being set up for recording the next chapter of my story. The green lights are on across the board. My spirit is in a receptive mode, and my God is ready to write the next song of songs with my life and my hope.
I Sing the Song of Myself
I can’t list the great things in my life, right now. I am keeping my stories about my NOW for some future project/book/screenplay. I can only tell you that everything has changed in my life over the last week. From HIGH to SETTLED to READY TO LET GO AND START AGAIN and all the way back to YES.
I am in a big state of universal YES at the moment. And the people around me are responding with YES as well. That’s how this happy universe is created. You get what you give. You are surrounded by the energy you are putting out. And if you can resonate with the YES in your life, you just might light up another person into their YES… And the rest, as they say, is history.
I am saying YES to God.
Further reading related to this pause:
This poem is really a prayer, an incantation, asking for the “she” to arrive. Perhaps she has.