There are plenty of reasons for me to celebrate my divorce.
- I don’t have to put up with someone who is so cold and emotionally distant
- I don’t have to beg for sex or affection
- Her needs and opinions are none of my business any more
- My kids are seeing a happier me
- She’s moved on to a new marriage, one that matches her love language style (acts of service) and emotional distance
- I am free to spend my time and money (well, some of if, after child support) on whatever I choose
- I am naturally happier and healthier than when I was married to her
- I missed 70% of my kids time since the divorce
- I missed 100% of my kids time as they grew up and got cars of their own, and asked to no longer swap weekends with me and their mom
- I was alone and depressed after my divorce
- I felt like the divorce had been my fault, when it was 100% the idea and decision of my ex-wife (I fought against the divorce up until the papers were signed)
AND THE UGLY
- Women often get the “divorce package” in most states.
- The house (in the best interest of the kids) is awarded to the custodial parent
- The money (child support if awarded to the mom 80% of the time)
- The kids (70% of the time, my kids were with my ex)
So when my wife went to consult with an attorney about a potential divorce, she got the answers she wanted. Basically, you can have him out of the house, still get his money, and have every other weekend off. Sounded like a good idea to her.
THANKS BE TO MY EX
Today, 10-years later, I am so grateful that my ex-wife pulled the trigger and shot the unhealthy relationship that our marriage had become. I could still be married to her. I’d weigh 300 pounds, I’d be depressed, and I’d be having sex alone with myself.
And guess what? The kids are all right. I don’t see them very much, but they seem to be thriving. One is in college (virtual only 2021). And one is a senior in high school (virtual only). Both appear to have developed fully-funtional coping mechanisms. And both of them have a healthy opinion of their mother’s nuttiness and their new step-father’s blistering dysfunction.
Here’s to my kids. And here’s to my wife who let me out of a miserable sexless marriage. And here’s to the cold MF who’s not getting laid either, but who is paying a good portion of the bills now, even though he won’t look me in the eyes anymore.
Here’s to my divorce! It’s opened the way to so much growth (this blog is only one part) and a relationship that has a foundation of kindness and emotional connection.
I wish her well, she’s been the captain of my kid’s row boat for over 10-years. That’s what she asked for and what I fought against. She won, based on the outdated divorce/parenting laws in the state of Texas (and most other states). And she got what she wanted. I hope she’s happy.
Yes, I still have anger about the loss of my kid-time over the last 10 years, but I don’t have anger towards my Excel-driven ex-wife. God speed.
*this post was written Jan 2021
As a certified life coach, I’ve been helping men and women find fulfilling relationships. If you’d like to chat for 30-minutes about your post-divorce challenges, I always give the first 30-session away for free. LEARN ABOUT COACHING WITH JOHN. There are no obligations to continue. But I get excited every time I talk to someone new. I can offer new perspectives and experiences from my post-divorce journey. Most of all, I can offer hope.
- The Quest for Big Love: How To Set Sail for the Next Relationship
- The Four Laws of Love: Finding & Building Lasting Relationships
- Love Is Bigger Than Anything In Its Way: Optimism and Hope Carry Us
- Commitment and Fear: Closing the Available Exits to Find Your Edge
- Stoking Your Soul Fire: Finding Peace at the Edge of the Unknown
- Mind the Gap: Listening for the Signals from Your Lover
- The 5 Love Languages Gary Chapman
- Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone – Brené Brown
- Dark Days – my depression index