It can be hard to get over a lover. The random moment, feeling, epiphany, that can occur even months after a relationship is over… It hurts all over again. You feel regret. You wonder if you could’ve done anything more to keep the relationship on a growth track, rather than a failing track.

Golden Threads

I sometimes refer to vibrant and active communications as golden threads. Some of us, are inclined to establish and work on our communications within a relationship. When you have a real contact (as in deep love) that thread becomes a vital part of your own emotional/internal wiring. And even when the relationship is done, and you have headed off in divergent directions, you may still feel the sting of the golden thread as you allow it to go dark.

No matter what the plan is, when a relationship dissolves, it can become hard to let go. My problem, in the past, seems to be in cutting off the energy to the golden thread. I seem to need three tries to break up, even if it’s my idea. So, I’ve been in and out and in again, more than one time in my life. I’d say the last relationship has been the hardest to pull out the golden threads that had developed between us over the two years we were together.

We both claim to still “love” each other. But, it becomes clear when ONE of the people is offering friendly gatherings and phone calls and the OTHER partner is always courteous, but never available.

Pulling the Energy Out of a Failed Relationship

The only way I have found to cut power to the golden thread, the deep and passionate connection, is to starve it of all energy. No calls. No offers. No “Hey, how’s it going” texts. Nothing.

As we pass mother’s day, I make a note to myself, “First Mother’s Day, no communication.”

It is important that we move on after a breakup. Often, holding on to the “friendship” is a way to delay the grieving. The golden thread must be starved of all blood. As the energy is pulled out of the communications, your thoughts can begin returning to normal.

I still miss this previous lover. But I am no longer interested in giving our connection any more attention. I have not completely starved the golden thread of oxygen, but I am clear that continuing to reach out for any reason is a misguided use of energy.

Golden Thread Seekers

I am a communicator. I love establishing golden threads with people in my life. I am attempting to reignite the thread between my 21-year-old son and myself, but as any parent knows, the process is one of incremental improvements. Still, I offer the love and energy on a regular basis and will continue to allow my son to be distanced and disrespectful of his dad. It’s okay.

And you can tell when you are not with an open communicator. You ping them via email, “Hey, let’s grab coffee soon,” and their response is, “What’s up?” The people who are on your high-integrity thread are more likely to respond, “Sure, I’m available W or F.”

When you love connecting and communicating with others, it becomes part of your way of life. I am always interested in hearing someone else’s story. (I’m often a bit sick of my own story.) I am always looking for a connection.

As I learn more about my personal investment in threads, and my reluctance to let go of an elevated connection, I am better able to manage my own interactions, my own energy, and my own decisive disconnection of a golden thread.

What is your connection style? Are you extroverted and empathic, or more reserved and introverted?

Namasté,

John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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How I Can Help

I am a relationship coach and a dating coach. I coach women in 1 x 1 zoom or facetime calls. I work in monthly blocks (4 sessions). We establish a relationship. I become your wingman in navigating and sorting through the bullshit of dating and relationships. If you are here, you’ve probably already read some of my opinions. If we’re a fit, we will both know on our first call.

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Related Posts:

• Uppers and Downers: Caffeine, Alcohol, and Micro-dosing < start here
• F2N Scale: Understanding Sex and Energy in Relationships
• mindfulness < a new index of happiness and hope
• You Are Already There: Taking Stock of Your Perfect Moments
• Pura Vida: Finding and Sharing Our Eternal Optimism

References:

• Single Dad Seeks: Dating Again After Divorce: Advice and Strategies on Learning How to be Loved Again
• Fall of the House of Dad: My journey through divorce, from loss to joy, again and again
• A Good Dad’s Guide to Divorce: One father’s quest to stay connected with his children