seeking big love

The Quest for Big Love: How To Set Sail for the Next Relationship

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Big Love – a relationship that has the power and prospects to change everything about your life.

I have always been seeking Big Love. Several times along my path I thought I had found THE ONE, but I was either misguided or derailed at some juncture. I know the power of full-on love. I have experienced the flow that comes from giving everything you have to a single relationship and betting your future and your love on the growing connection. And, we start over again. With more determination. With more tools and intentional energy. We start over again, questing for the Big Love.

The Tools for Big Love Hunting

  • Set your intention in all of your relationships towards 100%
  • Spend time actively seeking your potential partner
  • When engaged in a relationship continuously find ways to recommit, reconnect, and re-energize the connection between you
  • Listen and feel into the signals you are being provided in the feedback loop of your partnership
  • Never settle or compromise in your Big Love dream
  • Release all near-misses
  • Renew your commitment and self-awareness around your intentions
  • Revise your relationship maps if necessary
  • Joyously rejoin your quest

Where Do You Generate Big Love Vibes?

What parts of your life give you the most energy? Can you redirect a bit more of your life towards these life-affirming, and enhancing activities? As you begin to listen to your heart’s desire more and more notice where you are being led. What is drawing your attention? What is lighting you up? Go there. Fill yourself up on your own limitless self-love.

By tuning ourselves in more alignment with our good feelings we begin to attract more of what we are broadcasting to the world. Self-love is the engine and energy for your Big Love quest. Only by tuning in and tuning up your love-broadcast will you have the attractive magnetism that is required. If you are out of balance with yourself you will continuously find yourself dating or relating to others who are in a similar state of disconnection. This is not the way forward. Stop dating and seeking when you are out of integrity with yourself. If you are not radiating your own Big Love, you won’t be calling in the Big Love partners of the world.

Some People May Not Be Ready

There will be people along your quest who might appear to be ready, self-aware, and capable of a Big Love. But after spending some time with them we starting feeling a mismatch or a deceleration of the initial romantic love blast. Listen when your heart says “maybe.” Don’t force your connection with a “maybe not.” And certainly avoid the “okay, for now.” Spend time together with your potential partner. Keep some of the sexual energy at bay for as long as it takes to feel the clear connection and intention of their hearts. If you introduce sex too soon you run the risk of overloading your intuition and heart-finding skills with the hormones and flooding of physical chemistry.

Physical chemistry is often NOT the best indicator of a true Big Love connection. How many times have you been drawn in by someone’s attractiveness or sexual potency only to find that they are a bit too focused on the sexual side of life? Sex is great, but sex is only part of the full-spectrum you are seeking when you’re going for a Big Love. Sex will not carry an emotionally or spiritually unstable relationship for very long. Learn to pause the sexual animal energy for a moment before you begin committing to someone. In my past, sex has led me down some long dusty dead ends.

Another possible pitfall along your Big Love quest is to imagine your desire can turn another person into the lover that you desire so deeply. Here’s the truth: if you are waiting for someone to change, be healed, be different in their behaviors, you are trying to build your current lover into the lover you desire. You cannot heal another person. You cannot love a wounded partner into becoming your next Big Love. I’m sorry to break it to you, but, Big Love happens between two people who are healthy, happy, and evolving into better versions of themselves. Your partner has to be capable of Big Love for themselves first, and then have the bandwidth and energy to entertain creating and sustaining a Big Love with you. It takes a lot to co-create a Big Love.

On the Inside of a Big Love

When you are rewarded for your hard work and your intentional quest, you may find yourself inside a Big Love. Now is the time to hold on. Be prepared for disruption of what you thought you wanted. Be prepared to be challenged and disappointed. Big Love is not about getting everything you always wanted. Big Love is not about arriving at some exalted state and coasting into the sunset together. Big Love is about finding a partner who can reflect the brightest part of you as well as the darkest part of you. Big Love will strip away your facade and reveal your fears as well as your aspirations. Big Love may scare the crap out of both of you.

But, the amazing part is this: you will know, deeper than you’ve ever known, that this love is worth it. You will be made bigger by your capacity to change and evolve in the alignments that are required to ignite and sustain a Big Love. It’s a lot of work. And, you will know in your deepest and darkest place, that “this is the one I’ve been striving towards.” And you will ask things of your partner that will frighten you. You will be asked to give up some of the ideas you may have entered the relationship with. And still, you will know this person, this love, is bigger than the sum of the moment. This love is bigger than both of you combined. And you will know that this Big Love is what you have been looking for.

Big Love Heals Everything

In the white heat of a Big Love, you will be stripped bare. In your fearlessness, you will admit to your partner your utter gratitude and dependence on their continual acceptance of your darkest secrets. You will give them the same comfort:

  • I am seen just as I am.
  • I am loved just as I am.
  • I can count on this partner for anything.
  • I am giving my tireless love to heal and be healed by my partner.
  • Above all else there is love.

When you meet a Big Love for the first time parts of your spiritual connection will become clear. There is an understanding that a spiritual connection has entered the partnership, almost as a third partner. This soul of the relationship is the part you can both support and worship. This soul is the love of god. By seeing what is godlike in your partner, you begin an unceasing prayer of thanks.

This is where I belong. This “home” is safe and filling.

When your Big Love awakens in you and your partner, it’s as if all the other questions, all the other doubts, all the other relationships, begin to fall away. We are forever changed by the joy and energy awakened in us by the loving presence of our Big Love partner. (We are still required to return to continue our roles as parents, co-workers, and friends.)

I believe this to be true. And, I pray that a Big Love is revealed by your quest.


John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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