As early dating relationships begin to heat up, the questions and negotiations around sex are bound to happen.
Dating? How Soon Do You Have Sex?
Here are a few things I’ve begun to understand about the sex discussion.
- It will come up when one of the partners wants to talk about it, or wants to move the discussion forward
- Leaving sex off the menu for too long in a relationship can also cause unnecessary disconnects and wasted time
- To some sex looks a lot like fucking (porn-ish, gratification-based, “I just wanted to get off.”)
- To others, sex is more of a spiritual addition to a growing relationship. Sex is sacred. If it’s treated as a purely hedonistic and physical pleasure, sex becomes a bit hollow, a bit more like masturbation.
- Sex will bring up hidden anxiety, even when you didn’t know you had anxiety about it
- A partner’s ideas about an ideal sexual encounter are *most likely* quite different from yours (if you can talk about it in the moment, great, if you can’t, be forewarned, disconnected sex, or sex for sex’s sake, can be a highly unsatisfying event
- Shutting down or disconnecting spiritually during sex is a deal killer – when it happens, stop, reset, or restart, or postpone until the anxiety or trauma is dealt with
Communication During Sex is Essential
Talking about sex during sex can be tricky. But establishing a communication feedback look during sex is essential for an ecstatic connection. The clues you give your partner will determine how satisfied and fulfilled you are.
A moan says, “Yes, keep doing that.” A whispered, “That’s good right there.” Is golden for your partner. We’re trying to unravel the mystery of your body, your orgasm, and your pleasure, but without verbal clues, the sex may or may not hit your spot. We want to hit your spot. We’d love for you to give us more clues on where and how hard or soft to hit it.
Silence or a grimaced face says, “I’m scared.” Or, “That doesn’t feel good.” Or, “I’m checking out and unable to tell you what I want or need.”
Making Love is 100% About Staying Connected
When one partner checks out, the sexual act becomes more of an exercise and less of spiritual bonding. When my partner says, “I just wanted to fuck. Why does it have to be so complicated?” What they are saying is this, “I like you, I’m interested in you, and I’d really like to be sexually pleased at the moment. All this other stuff is too much work, it complicates my focus. I just want to orgasm.”
Disconnected sex may be a more modern development. Younger partners who are DTF, are not really all that interested in the spiritual connection that goes along with sex. They don’t see it. They don’t feel it. And because they don’t understand it, the connection is very hard to establish or maintain. If your partner continues to check out, either through lack of communication, or lack of breathing and enjoying what’s happening, there’s SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON. It’s TIME TO STOP.
100% Hard, 100% of the Time: The New Sex Myth
“If it’s not hard, I just can’t get off. I can’t do it. If you’re not hard, I can’t feel you. I’ve been through this before, and I can’t do it again.”
While this statement was hard to fathom, it struck deeply at my own insecurities about sex, masculinity, and my own sexual function or dysfunction. I’m going to dissect this statement with some care and (hopefully) insight.
- If it’s not hard, I can’t get off.
- If you’re not hard, I can’t feel you.
- I’ve been through this before, I can’t do it again.
All three of these statements have one really big glaring MISS. They are about ONE partner and not the partnership. “I can’t get off,” is an internal problem. But it’s also a focus problem. SEX is not about “getting off.” Sex is about intimacy. Spending time caressing, kissing, licking, holding, and encouraging your partner.
If neither of you has an orgasm during sex, does this mean it was BAD SEX? Take a minute to think about that question.
If your sexual experience and pleasure revolve around “getting off” and not getting off together, then you’re going for something less spiritual and more functional. Perhaps there is a difference between having sex and making love. SEX is about getting off. Making love is about getting closer and spending time enjoying each other’s bodies. Don’t miss the lovemaking by being too focused on the orgasm. “Getting off” by yourself is fine, but it’s a different experience.
Focus On the Experience of Giving
If your experience is about “getting off” or being frustrated with your partner when they can’t stay hard for 45 minutes while you try to get yourself over the edge of an orgasm, you might be missing the real juicy joy of making love. You might be having sex, but you’re not experiencing the joy of lovemaking.
I want my partner to be satisfied and happy. If I have an orgasm, that’s cool, but it’s not my focus. I can have an orgasm easily. Having an orgasm for me, during sex, is a function of tuning into my partner’s directions and hints and basking in the experience of feeling every inch of their body. Sure, I’d love to have an orgasm. And I’d love to orgasm together, but… It’s not about the ORGASM.
Are you making love or looking to “get off?”
How I Can Help
I am a relationship coach and a dating coach. I coach women in 1 x 1 zoom or facetime calls. I work in monthly blocks (4 sessions). We establish a relationship. I become your wingman in navigating and sorting through the bullshit of dating and relationships. If you are here, you’ve probably already read some of my opinions. If we’re a fit, we will both know on our first call. For SEPT-OCT I’m offering a 1 HR introductory call rather than my usual 30-minutes.
I am also launching two coaching groups about dating and relationships in the coming weeks. One for men and one for women, facilitated with a dear friend and wellness/aging coach. Both groups will be limited to 8 participants. So join the FB groups and watch for the opening announcements. THANK YOU.
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- Self-Care and Appreciation: Can I Love All of Myself Right Now?
- 3 Required Traits for Building a Lasting Relationship
- Emotional Intelligence Essentials for Long-Term Relationship Success
- Pausing in the Gap: Trying to Force An Answer Is Not the Way
- 7 Habits of a Sizzling Sex Life: Relationship Building
- The 3-point Formula for Loving Relationships: Where You Lead I Follow
- The 6th Love Language: Distance – Jessica Wildfire
- The 5 Love Languages Gary Chapman
- Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone – Brené Brown