Even as parents we need to keep reminding ourselves that sex is good, sex is important, and sex is a great way to stay connected to our partners. And often, sex becomes a bit of a chore. Kids complicate the schedule and abandon of the pre-kid years. But kids are not an excuse. What might be an excuse is your exhaustion and hopelessness about finding the time to nourish your sex life. But that’s a problem that can be fixed. Given too much time between sexual connections in your marriage, well… that’s how things begin to break down in other areas of the relationship.
Sex is Important and All, But…
I’m not saying sex is the most critical relationship indicator, but I do think your sexual connection, if strong, signals a strong emotional and physical relationship. There may always be problems, complications, and reasons that sex becomes less frequent, but putting sex off until the blue moon is a good way to put your relationship into the deep frost.
How can you keep sex healthy and inspired?
We can admit that as we age many aspects of our lives change. Our desire for sexual release may become less powerful. Our satisfaction with our own bodies may begin to play more of a role in how passionate we are. If you don’t like the way you look or feel you may not want to let anyone else see your naked body. You may not want to be touched. But let’s assume you’re in the mood for love, your into the idea of keeping your sexual connection as a priority in your life. Let’s look at a few clues about getting together as our relationship is transformed by parenting and growing older.
Sex is a Moving Target
- The frequency may not be all that important (if the quality is high the frequency may dip without concern)
- Orgasm is not always the focus of having sex with your partner
- Enjoying the act of making love to your partner rather than the result
- Cherishing your partner’s body in all it’s aging facets and remarkable features
- Letting your partner know how sexy you find them, as often as it comes to mind (It costs nothing and can make your partner’s day)
- A simple passing touch can do wonders (the casual grasp of your lover’s foot can be a connective and sensual act)
- Texts from time to time can entice and spice up your partner’s appetite for sex
- Date night should become a ritual that you BOTH prepare for, anticipate, and execute with energy and enthusiasm
So, what we’re understanding as we grow older is that sex changes. Our bodies change. Even our abilities to achieve orgasm can change. But that’s not a reason to give up on igniting your partner’s libido on a Saturday night after the kids have gone to bed.
Make time and make love. Don’t worry about performing in either direction (my orgasm or your orgasm). And get into the art of making love. It’s different from sex. When you’re in a long-term committed relationship you might have to keep exploring ways to physically entice your partner. As it turns out, most affairs happen when one partner loses interest in sex with the other partner. When one partner feels underappreciated, they may look to a new love interest, or be aroused by a casual flirt from a coworker. But if you are satisfying your partner’s cravings emotionally and physically, you will affair-proof your marriage. In the cannon of infidelity and divorce, I don’t know of many examples where well-attached couples stray just because. Give your partner the ravishing they are longing for and you might get your connection needs met at the same time. A win-win.
Seven Winning Ideas to Keep Your Sex Life Warm and Fuzzy
Here are seven ideas to keep your sex life with your long-term partner on fire:
- Do date night with flare and enthusiasm. Make plans. Buy surprise tickets to a show or concert. Schedule the baby sitter. Give date night to your partner as a gift. Perhaps take turns each week with who does the planning. Then, when the time comes, do it with energy and anticipation as you would if it were a first date with a new partner. See your partner with fresh eyes. Fall in love with them, court them and bed them as they long to be bedded.
- Ask for what you want. Think of a few fantasies you’d like to explore with your partner. (Here’s a worksheet to help you discover your various sexual styles and preferences: (SexStyles Worksheet-download-4mb) And then, when it’s time to get down, try and ask for what would make you feel good. It’s hard, during sex to ask for that one little thing that would send you over the top, but I promise, if you DO ask, and your partner gladly adjusts, it’s a great feeling.
- Celebrate the physical connection and beauty of your partner all the time. Bring home little gifts of passion. A sexy top you saw in a store window can be just the thing to let your partner know they were on your mind. I love seeing something sexy at a store and immediately texting a picture of it to my partner and saying, “Saw this. Wanted to see it on you. Then see how I might invite you to take it off later tonight.”
- Use foreplay as a game. Always think of ways to tease your partner. Sexy notes in their work bags. A little flirty text as you’re about to leave the office on a Friday night. Add sexy pictures if that’s your thing. But make a game of getting your partner hot for your touch. Any energy you put into this game will be returned two-fold in joy.
- Anticipatory foreplay is an aphrodisiac. Set the stage for your date night. Give your partner a hint of what’s coming, but keep it a surprise. Give them time to imagine what’s coming. Leave little notes around about “tonight’s connection request.” Give their mind a few extra things to think about and you’ll be on your way to lubricating the evening’s activities.
- What about unplanned and spontaneous sex? Yes, please. If there’s a quickie in the works, let it happen. The kids in front of Sponge Bob for 20-minutes before dinner gets underway, no problem. Sex about sex is also good and fun. And it can be one-way without much fuss. Want to get your partner off but not worry about yourself? Go for it. Tell them. Express yourself. And if the moment strikes, why not give in. What’s the harm?
- Deepen your connection through sex. Find the luxurious moments for extended sexual contact. Take an afternoon off from work, before the kids are out of school. Sick days can also be sex days. But taking the time to hold and nurture your partner you are showing them they are desireable, loveable, and sexy. We all want to feel sexy. Even when we’re not feeling remotely sexy about ourselves, having a partner encourage and entice us, with their desire for us… Well, that’s a bit of a magic trick right there. And with a long-term partner, you have an opportunity to dial in just the right phrase or stroke or place to kiss. Give your partner what they are wanting without them needing to ask for it.
With a little imagination, you can find the erogenous zones that make your partner sparkle. And with a little effort, you will find that your partner might respond favorably to an invitation to do the tango between the sheets.
More posts from The Whole Parent:
- She Was Lovely and She Liked To Drink: A Third Glass Love Story
- Discovering and Recovering Love w/ a New Partner
- Why Does Online Dating Suck? How to Find Your Next Partner.
- Managing Depression In Romantic Relationships: Getting Real w/ Myself
- Keeping Your Cool When Your Lover Is On Fire with Rage
- SexStyles Worksheet-download-4mb