she loves me

A New Language of Sex: Embarking on the Learning Together

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I’d like to imagine that I get better and better at sex over time. Of course, my aging body may have a slightly different course, but, at the moment, we’re all on the up and up. No little blue helper is needed at this point. Still, sex is different. Deeper, richer, and less concentrated on the orgasm. But this didn’t happen overnight. This happened as an evolution. I listened to my partners, I read books about sexual intelligence, I tuned in to my own body and tried to decipher its hidden messages. Here’s what I learned: I’m evolving.

+++ You can listen to this entire article on the Love on the Air podcast.


Sex Gets Better and Deeper the More You Practice

Just like any other physical activity (yoga, running, swimming, tennis) sex gets better the more you practice. Sometimes it’s good to practice by yourself, to understand your own mechanics and proclivities. In a relationship, it’s good to tune into the rhythms of your sexual desires, understanding that sometimes they will not be in sync, but when they are… Watch out.

Monogamy offers the opportunity to practice and meditate and discuss sex for an extended period of time. Over time, I can learn ways to get us both off. Over time, I can discover ways to get you off that leave me completely fulfilled as well. Over time, I can set both our bodies on fire with a few words of poetry and a gentle brush of my fingers across the back of your neck. Over time, I’m going to find the places that drive you mad. I promise not to overuse them. And I promise to keep exploring, seeking, new erogenous zones, ones that neither of us has ever uncovered.

With one person, I can commit my energy, my time, my spirit. I need all three of those things to come into the picture before sex can ascend to the next level. When you care about someone else, more than you care about yourself (and I’m not just talking about sex) you begin to shift your focus. In the bedroom, I am not always so focused on me and my pleasure. In fact, for the most part, in my experience, I am trying to focus on my partner’s pleasure. As their arousal increases so does mine. When their climax begins, it calls mine along as well. In those magical moments of mutual orgasm, we both feel a connection that is not possible in any other activity. And it’s sacred. But, it’s not everything.

Time To Touch, Time To Feel, Time To Love

When you’re in a long-term relationship, there is a lot more about sex that happens outside the bedroom, long before your juices are flowing. The courtship and desire of a sexual partner is a lifetime quest. I want to wake you with kisses. I want to tell you how much I love you, then show it by bringing you “the best coffee” I could possibly make. Just for you. Only you. And I’m going to keep asking how I could make your coffee better. Always striving to get it ecstatic. Sex is a lot like my quest for the perfect cup.

Time in bed together is more important and more fulfilling than sex. Talking, snuggling, reading together, watching a show, rubbing each other’s feet, time in bed together is a high that I cannot get any other way. If I had to give up one thing, orgasm or long snuggles at night, I think I’m going to stick with snuggles. I want TIME. I want TIME TOGETHER. And when that’s all filled up, I want more time with you. It’s the time together, even doing things in different rooms of the house, that gives me the enthusiasm and excitement about pulling you back onto the bed in the heat of passion.

If I am loving someone, I am connecting with their entire life. I love their kids. I love hearing about their work. I love how they snore lightly when they are flat on their back, and how they always snuggle back into me when I roll them on their side. I love being together even when I’m sleeping. I must be some sort of pack dog, because I love the touch of a finger, a leg, a thigh, on my body. I want to stay connected during the night. And when you’re both good sleepers, the moments awakened by your lover’s breathing trouble, is a moment you get to snuggle back up to them and whisper, “I love you,” in their drowsy ear.

This is love. Spending time together. Doing things together. And yes, occasionally having sex.

Sex is Different With You

I’m committed to figuring out what makes you tick and tickle in the bedroom. I’m shyly committed to telling you all the secrets I have about what I want in the bedroom. “I’ve got a secret I want to tell you,” is a very exciting way to give another idea to your partner. And, I am learning that each partner must be discovered as a new symphony. I am going to start with the violins and see where that takes me. Then I’m going to pull in some of the kettle drums. And just as I think I’ve got a good thing going, you introduce the piccolo. Our collaborative composition of love has begun.

What you knew about sex with your last partner(s) will be different from your current partner. The discovery is a bit like learning French. At first, you only want to order coffee and a croissant. But as your journey together continues you’re going to want a special coffee, and organic orange marmalade on your croissant. The deeper you go into your time with each other, the more words you’ll want, the more nuance you’d like to be able to express. The more joy, the different joy, the ecstatic joy, will require better phrases and words. As you are learning love you are creating your own version of French.

When I wake my partner at 3:30 am because my body is ready to jump out of bed, have coffee, and start my day, and she kisses me deeply and says, “j’ai une autre idée” (I have another idea) I am called back from my escape trajectory. I am met at 3:30 am with an equal and enthusiastic lover. This is a gift on any day, in any life. But it’s a deeper gift from your partner, the one you are learning to love and trust.

The Pace of Life in Love

I can only experience each day as it comes. Each minute with my partner is new and renewed. My anxious mind may try to jump ahead to things like living together or marriage or retirement, but my present mind is active and alert enough to stop the cascade into the future, and say “I am here, now.”

In this moment, my relationship is new, different, vibrant, and exciting. Today, I have more chances to tell her I love her, both directly and in little gifts and touches. I know I am going to make her the best cup of coffee in the world, the minute she signals from the bedroom that she’s done sleeping for the moment. I know I have these moments to look forward to, but at this moment, I am here, typing, alone, and knowing that I am loved, and that I am loving.

That’s it. That’s the goal. I am loving someone who is actively loving me back. And day by day we move forward from here. We study French, we make up new words and new ideas of travel, or pleasure, or sport. From here, from this very moment, I am in love, and I am being given the signals and the touches that say I am loved as well. In several months, we cannot possibly have it all figured out. We just learned today that French was going to be the language we study together. Perhaps Paris is the first international vacation we take together.

Je M’amuse (I Amuse Myself)

In this moment, I am complete. I have kissed, I have snuggled, I have had a cup of coffee and I am comfortably writing about my love while my love sleeps in my bed. This is a perfect moment. And while I can’t see the future, I can bask in the present as good and honest. Love is love. Love with someone who loves you back is exponential. Love with someone who begins to realign their trajectories to match up with yours, well, now that’s the formula for a moonshot.

Let’s go.


John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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