It’s not about more sex
It’s about better sex
Here’s the thing we all want to talk about. Or, we don’t want to talk about. But, we need to talk about. There is a lot we don’t know about sex.
My sex. Your sex. Sex with another person. Sex other than hetero-ciz white male sex. That’s my DNA, I can’t change it. I’m willing to learn. I’m willing to discover our sexual preferences. I’m even open to exploring my outside edge when it comes to sexual turn-ons and turn-offs. What I don’t know about, I won’t assume I don’t like. “Let’s find out together.”
How Do We Learn About Sex These Days?
Porn is an awful teacher for developing a sexual style or even learning what turns you on. You might click your way off into a kink that is scary or disgusting. You will find that most of the mainstream porn is misogynistic and abusive. And our kids are getting most of their education from tv: porn (for sex) and drama/reality tv (for relationships and dating). These are terrible role models. And we’ve got some responsibility to learn about a more humanistic, sensitive, and compassionate way of relating to each other, both in and out of the bedroom.
Porn Says the Orgasm is King
All hale the mighty orgasm. Well, actually, the orgasm is a very short part of making love, or having sex, or whatever mode of intimate relating you are engaged in. If O-focus is your primary driver when relating to another person, you will be missing a lot of the full joy of sex.
Having Sex is Better than Having an Orgasm
It’s going to be confusing for some people to read that orgasm is not the best part of sex. It’s important. And a repeated lack of the ability to orgasm might indicate other emotional issues, but today, I enjoy the sex more than I do the orgasm. Let me explain.
When most men have an orgasm their sexual drive and abilities drop to zero for a varying period of time. This is called the refractory period. In your 20’s and 30’s this period could last 15 minutes or a few hours. And after that moment of pause, you’re hot and ready to go again. That’s great. But for most of us men, when we have an orgasm it signals the end of our sexual adventure for a longer period of time, maybe the rest of the day. Women are wired differently, and in some cases can go for orgasm after orgasm during an extended lovemaking session. Multi-orgasmic women are amazing and rare. And I cannot imagine what that wave after wave of orgasm must feel like. Again, I’m not a woman, and I have to take my orgasms one at a time. And, in my case, that might mean 1 or 2 orgasms in a 24-hour period. My body just doesn’t have the chemical potency to ramp back up after orgasm.
Getting Into the Sex of it All
Learning about my own orgasms and how they often signaled the end of my sex for the day was a game-changer. (There are exceptions, but we’ll have to talk about those in a different post.) Today, I enjoy the act of making love more than always striving for an orgasm every time I have sex. It sounds odd, I know, but bear with me.
In an earlier period of my life, I was always excited to have an orgasm. And as we both rushed towards our own nirvana, we could occasionally get in sync and orgasm together. It was rare, but it happened. Very nice. Mutual bliss, mutual full-body-mind-spirit release. Great. However, most of the time our individual orgasms came at different times and from different activities/positions. And in some cases, we’d end up with one partner frustrated about not having an orgasm.
My experience, as I started to observe my own enjoyment of sex, was that my orgasm came with a bittersweet realization that I was done having sex for a while. I really really loved the act of making love. If I focused on my orgasm and came quickly, it might be good for me, but I would not be able to continue pleasuring my partner (in the same way) or exploring and enjoying her body in the same way. What turned around for me was when I learned that not having an orgasm meant I could make love for ever longer periods of time. More time doing what I loved doing.
If Orgasm is Not the Goal, What is the Point of Sex?
For me, the point of sex is
- feeling close to another person
- exploring imaginative ways to excite and pleasure my partner
- adventuring forward with ideas I’ve wanted to try
- skin to skin contact
- listening to and tuning in to the other person’s pleasure
- pure appreciation of another person
- excited connecting in words, sights, sounds, tastes, and physical contact
- strengthening the bond between two partners
- giving to the other person
- opening up to receive without reciprocation
- a higher form of communication between two animals
- a human pleasure
- a spiritual joining with a partner and your higher power (the spirit of sex)
These objectives have very little to do with orgasm. And, in fact, as I came to understand, the orgasm interrupted my pleasurable, leisurely, stroll into another person’s passions and ambitions. As I moved my attention from my orgasm, or even my partner’s orgasm, to the very act of making love, I was able to let go of the “performance” of sex.
Sexual Performance and our Misconceptions About Virility
Porn is partially responsible for our orgasm focus. And porn is definitely partially responsible for our unrealistic expectations about what sex should look like. We think the act should go on for hours and the man should stay erect and excited forever. And women should be multi-orgasmic and ecstatic all the time. We’ve got images from porn that make it a bit more difficult in real life to figure out what turns us on and what is more like the “fake news” of sex.
If I want to make love to my partner all afternoon, I will have to delay or forgo my orgasm altogether. But, I get an afternoon of sex. In my old model, I’d have maybe 45 minutes of sex, and once we popped off, we’d nap and snuggle, or jump up and get on with our busy lives. But when I want luxurious sex, uninhibited and untimed, I’m going to have to not orgasm in order to keep my arousal, energy, and erection from waining.
I Want to Make Love More Than I Want to Make Orgasms
Today, I’m more committed to making love than having sex. My orgasms are nice, fun, and quite relaxing. But, I’d rather have sex over several days without having an orgasm than only making love once or twice a week. The orgasm is great, but in some aspects of making love, the orgasm is limiting my ability to spend that high quality and priceless moments in the embrace of my partner.
Exploring what sex might look like together with one partner, that’s one of my life’s goals. In order to learn what I like I have to learn to ask for what I’d like to try. I have to ask what my partner might like to try. And even in the moment, I have to be willing to give suggestions or ask for guidance. Sex is all in our minds, but during sex we can learn about tuning into the feedback loop between us, and getting more in sync with our passions. The orgasms will come. But the time we gain by not focusing on the orgasm is the goal. More time making love.
As a certified life coach, I’ve been helping men and women find fulfilling relationships. If you’d like to chat for 30-minutes about your dating/relationship challenges, I always give the first 30-session away for free. LEARN ABOUT COACHING WITH JOHN. There are no obligations to continue. But I get excited every time I talk to someone new. I can offer new perspectives and experiences from my post-divorce dating journey. Most of all, I can offer hope.
Get the complete single dad story with John’s new book: Single Dad Seeks (available in all formats)
New Dating Strategy:
- How a Secure Attachment Looks and Feels in a Love Relationship
- Action Not Intention Will Determine How Long I’m Single
- Offline Dating: Setting Intentions and Actions in Real Life
- Getting Good At Blameless Breakups
- Why Online Dating is a Distraction and Not a Solution
- The 6-Step Relationship Strategy
- The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
- Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex–and How to Get It
- The Soul of Sex: Cultivating Life as an Act of Love
- Zen Sex: The Way of Making Love
- Single Dad Seeks: Dating Again After Divorce: Advice and Strategies on Learning How to be Loved Again
- Fall of the House of Dad: My journey through divorce, from loss to joy, again and again
- A Good Dad’s Guide to Divorce: One father’s quest to stay connected with his children
- The Third Glass: When Drinking Becomes an Issue
The secret to sexual desire in a long-term relationship