Let’s explore the mechanics of sex.
What’s Your Love/Sex Language
We’ve all worked with Love Languages, right? Is there a Sexual Language roadmap? Let’s see if we can come up with one.
The 5 Sexual Languages
- En Fuego – ready at the drop of a hat, or the crack of dawn
- Sensually Alive – all about the touch, the momentum, the long foreplay of the day
- Cautiously Ambitious – maybe, maybe not, let me wait and see how I feel later
- Just Hold Me – sometimes the foreplay and cuddling before and after can be more emotionally fulfilling than the sex
- Can We Talk First? – I’ve got some issues, maybe a few questions, let’s get a few things straight
How did I do? What would you add to my list?
En Fuego – the sexual language of activation, exploration, ambition, and energy to move forward sexually. Let’s open things up. Let’s explore anything you want to explore. Let’s become the best lovers we’ve ever had. More communication? Fine. Less communication? No problem. More pressure over here? Gotcha. Will you put your hand right here? Done. A partner who is En Fuego is a partner who is confident in their desires and boundaries, but not much is off with table, to explore, anyway.
Sensually Alive – the sexual language of romantic love, passion, desire that spills into our daily lives, an erotic fascination, and sexual energy capable of focusing on you and your desires.
Cautiously Ambitious – into sex, but don’t get too crazy. If you want to try something “off book” you might check in with me first. Optimistic. Can get fully revved under the right circumstances. Has a few roadblocks that would need to be addressed to get to this partner into the ON position.
Just Hold Me – sex is great, sex is good, and sex is not the most important form of intimacy for this partner. I’d like to extend this experience, not just focus on pleasure or orgasm. Let’s focus on loving touch that has no goal no destination. Surprise me. Hold me before, during, and after sex. Let’s keep our high-touch needs met by touching frequently.
Can We Talk First? – this partner may have some trauma around sexual engagement, foreplay consists of conversations to set goals and boundaries around the upcoming liaison. It’s good to get the “issues” out in the open before taking your clothes off. When sex overwhelms one of you, it might be best to pause and talk about what’s going on. And both of you should be okay with a “let’s connect again in a bit, I need a break.”
Navigating Sexual Encounters
At the beginning of a relationship (say the first 6 months) a lot of sexual encounters are about finding your rhythm, both as a couple, but also as an individual. We need to learn in each relationship the things that make us connect, the things that make us disconnect (go off into la-la land, or fantasizing outside the encounter going on), and the things that make either one of us go into high gear. Yes, I want to know what gets you off. Certainly, I want to try things with you, if we’re both okay with it. Why should this relationship not aspire to get all of our needs met? Maybe not all at once, maybe not in the first few months of being together, but you want to imagine yourself trying all your ideas with your current partner.
We don’t have to have the same love language or sexual language to have a fulfilling and fruitful partnership. But we should be aware, and make a point of learning and becoming more aware, of our partner’s wants, needs, and must-haves.
“Still, you turn me on.”
Emerson, Lake, and Palmer (ELP)
If we are hoping to negotiate the love partnership of our lifetime, we need to be open to the idea that their things may not match 100% with our things. Their experience of sex will likely be very different from ours. Even the same sexual encounter can feel wildly different to each partner, as their needs, wants, and expectations were met. Or, which is often the case, not met.
Men and Women and the Mythical Mutual Orgasm
Yes, it’s incredibly nice when it happens. But, it is not required to have orgasms together. Sometimes, the orgasm takes the backseat to make our partners happy. The orgasm becomes less important as you learn about and love the cuddling and holding needs of your partner. Yes, I definitely want to get you off, it’s my goal. My orgasm is less important to me.
We’d like to be in sync in sex, but the orgasm is one of those events that’s better shared, but often one partner will get there more easily and more quickly. It’s important that, if a mutual orgasm is what you’re after, you let your partner know where you are.
“I’m getting close.”
“I’m not really close.”
“You got me.”
Are all very helpful signals you can give your partner. Occasionally, you can time everything just right and BOOM you’re both peaking together. Sometimes one of you will go first and bring the other person along from the sheer bliss of the orgasm. Sometimes, one of you will go and the other partner will “miss” or be out of sync. Here’s how that conversation might go.
“You can always get me afterward, so if you’re close, go for it. I will either catch up, or we can get me afterward.”
What you will begin to understand after some sexual experience, with both good and bad connections, is that the moments together, the time spent “having sex” is more important than the number of orgasms either of you achieves.
More sex, less focus on the orgasm.
How Do You Get to Know Each Other Sexually?
It may be difficult to talk about, give direction, while in the act of having sex. Maybe it’s better to talk just before sex. Sometimes, a casual discussion afterward, while you’re both in “the glow” is a good way to understand how the experience was. What you want to be tuned into, is what makes your partner feel good. What can you do better? What things would work better for you?
I have also used a Sexual Exploration worksheet package, that seems to be of great assistance. We might be able to express ourselves in writing, and out of the heat of the action. Looking at our wants, want-to-try, and don’t-want-to-try elements can form a mutually agreed upon roadmap for your sexual journey together. You DO want to know what they might try. You DO want to know what they don’t want to try ever. And you DO want to express what you might try, and what you don’t want to try.
Sex is all about communication. For some of us, the foreplay begins in the morning and leads up to the encounter. For others, sex can be initiated and indulged at the drop of your drawers. And some people will want to set expectations and express their desire well in advance of getting revved up. Maybe you’d like to know in the AM if your partner is interested in having sex that night. It might make it easier to not expend yourself and all of your energy, for the purpose of bringing your potency to the liaison later in the day.
Getting in sync in sex is all about giving good information, acting on good signals from your partner, and giving good signals yourself. If I don’t get off, part of that mental burden is on me. I say part, because, part of the burden is on my partner to figure out what makes me take off. When you’ve had a hot sexual moment and one of you has gone ahead, its a great moment to check in with each other. Here’s how that might sound.
“That was amazing. I really loved the way you placed my hands and let me know you were going to come. I’m not worried about my orgasm. I’m happy to keep my fires stoked for the next encounter.”
It also might contain some information about ways things could’ve been better.
“Yeah, when you started getting off, I got so focused on your pleasure that I forgot to even pay attention to my body and where I was. Maybe we can try *this* now to get me off.” Or “Maybe we can try *this* next time. Right now, I’m quite satisfied.”
Talking About Sex
How easy is it for you to talk about sex with your partner? I’d love to hear some of your stories in the comments. Or you can call my voice mail and leave your experiences. I may use the recordings as part of an advice column, or part of a podcast. I’ll contact you before using your question. But, let’s get the conversation started about better sex.
How I Can Help
I am a relationship coach and a dating coach. I coach women in 1 x 1 zoom or facetime calls. I work in monthly blocks (4 sessions). We establish a relationship. I become your wingman in navigating and sorting through the bullshit of dating and relationships. If you are here, you’ve probably already read some of my opinions. If we’re a fit, we will both know on our first call.
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Brené Brown’s Ground-breaking TED Talks:
- Love Styles Worksheet (pdf)
- A General Theory of Love Thomas Lewis, M. D. et al.
- The Soul of Sex: Cultivating Life as an Act of Love – Thomas Moore
- Care of the Soul – Thomas Moore
- The 5 Love Languages – Gary Chapman
- O Wow: Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm – Jenny Block
- Single Dad Seeks: Dating Again After Divorce: Advice and Strategies on Learning How to be Loved Again
- Fall of the House of Dad: My journey through divorce, from loss to joy, again and again
- A Good Dad’s Guide to Divorce: One father’s quest to stay connected with his children
- The Third Glass: When Drinking Becomes an Issue