cooling the sexual fire

Cooling the Sexual Fire Before You Get Burned

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My universe has been altered forever. For the better. Let me walk you through the explosion and jump to light speed. A woman who responded to several emails with a “YES! but…” She seemed enthusiastic to “grab a beer” but I did not follow through on her “but…”

I did not follow through until a few weeks ago when I again proposed an alignment. And again, it did not happen. So I got quiet about it all. I leaned into a different woman who I had connected with on OK Cupid. So, I’m starting to “date” this new woman, not doing much more than kissing a bit, when a single ping came over the transom via email FROM this woman. I got a PINGBACK.

“So,” she asked, in her email, “I’m not going to see you at all this weekend?”

And that was enough. I had sent two “hello” messages to her, and gotten “YES!” responses each time, only to not follow through. It was my miss. My lack of follow-through. AND something else.

Mindful Dating

I have been writing about and discovering a new approach to dating. In this modern model, I’m looking to listen MORE than I speak. (For us extroverts, this is difficult.) And I plan to give some of the planning and pursuit to the woman as well. In my past, when I was interested in a relationship, my uber-romantic persona would show up and overwhelm my potential partner.

In mindful dating the process is slower and more balanced:

  • Both partners assume leadership and stewardship roles in the process of getting to know each other
  • Sex becomes the desert of a budding relationship, not the gateway drug
  • Intention and actions must come into alignment in all actions
  • The man is not always responsible for the asking, the ideas, and the action

In balance, both parties in the relationship have a chance to state clearly and often, what they are looking for and what they will and will not tolerate. As you grow a bit older, you become aware that our moments are precious. And further, that “dating” to be having sex, or entertaining ourselves might work for a while, but it’s not the goal. The goal is a LTR (long-term relationship)

If we are looking for the same things, and we continue to make time and energy available for each other, we will continue to grow as a couple and perhaps, perhaps, if we’re lucky, build a lasting relationship. When I’ve started with sex before the parameters of the relationship have been established, I have run into relationships that were not healthy or built on shared goals.

If the sex is good, it’s good sex.

So let’s aspire to good sex, but let’s put our private parts on hold for a moment while we get some clarity on what an actual relationship might look like with this person. We can’t spend more than 1% of our time together in bed. And after we’re satiated, what are we going to do together? What are our mutual lifestyle activities? What are our long-range goals? If we jump into bed, we might not spend the time to find out the answer the deeper connecting questions.


John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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