lovers for life

Understanding the Chemicals of Love, Lust, and Attachment

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jung - on love

A magical thing happens when you begin feeling connections with a new partner. In my experience, every cell in my body wakes up and takes notice. I sleep better. I try and eat better and exercise more.

Exploring the Transformation of Love

If you are lucky in dating, you evolve to relationship-building. If you’re serious about finding and creating a long-term healthy relationship, you’re going to need a plan.

Dating >> leads to finding an LTR. That was always my intention. I did not date for sex. I did not date for entertainment. I wanted to evolve and find a more compatible and agreeable partner. So, I kept my sights on a partner rather than an entertaining date.

Once you have the Relationship you can begin the next phase. Learning and adapting to establish healthier communications both when things are bad and when things are good. A lot of great work happens when you are not in crisis and can make specific goals and choices related to being even better in your partnership. Every step you take toward each other builds momentum and gravity. Momentum to continue and keep adding energy and time to the partnership. Gravity as your attachment becomes more secure. As you grow closer you can relax. The relationship becomes more about choices and alignments. What do *WE* want to do.

Evolving Constantly

When you can establish a well-connected relationship with your partner, you can both begin to focus on some of the higher needs. Like, “Where do we want to go as a couple?”

As my girlfriend and I head into our second summer together, it’s amazing to think how far we’ve come. And even on this first Monday, when she does not have school (she’s a teacher), I miss her. I crave her. And yet, I still have to work. My mind drifts in mood waves that pass through my morning. I’m lonely. I’m horney. I’m tired. I’m inspired. I’m not really working if I’m writing here, am I?

A secure relationship gives both partners more confidence to say what’s on their mind. And as we learn and lean into braving, we can allow our partners to struggle, change, evolve, and grow. And we are beside them. We don’t take on their struggle. We align with their hearts and reassure them that we are constant, consistent, and patient. There’s an interesting dynamic that has begun in my partnership. Now that we’re IN, we’ve got decisions over the next few years that are going to have a huge impact on our lives. But these choices would not even be on the table if we weren’t in a loving and supportive relationship.

That’s the first goal along the path to relationship-building. Secure and patient attachment. Now, you’ve got live goals to align and discuss. Ideas like where do we want to live? If our kids have kids are we prepared to move to be near the grandkids? Do we want to work another 2 – 3 years, or another 10 years? What are our goals for *retirement?” And here’s the funny thing, we don’t even have to have the same goals. We merely have to consider each others choices, desires, and find the path forward as a couple. Flexibility is the key. Only with a secure attachment can we really stretch with our aspirations and ideas about the future.

The Future Is Unknown

I’d like to be able to predict and plan for the next twenty years with my partner. I’d like to write up strategies and road maps. But, I know that’s not how it works. None of the maps I’ve created over the last 13 years has proven accurate. The only thing that has remained consistent is my commitment to find my next life-time partner (whatever that means to me). All dating activity has been pointed at my long-term goal.

Today, as the future is unknown, what I have to rely on is

  • secure attachment
  • evolution of both partners
  • continued reaching for my individual creative goals
  • continued reaching for connective activities with my partner
  • openness to change
  • honest communication and the ability to risk difficult conversations
  • renewal and rebuilding energy for the evolution
  • change is constant
  • our relationship will change, but the fundamentals will remain steadfast and consistant

I cannot map the future. I can’t even map the summer, at this moment, in early June. I can only map my week, my tasks, my goals, and my aspiration to build a better and better relationship with my one person. Oh, there are plenty of other considerations.

  • health/fitness
  • money
  • kids
  • work
  • creative dreams

And, as far as I can plan, I’m planning to go with my lover. Even my aspirational goals consider her. Happiness is far better when shared. And today, I’m sharing and loving at 100%, and could not be happier or more securely attached. That’s enough for now. And now, is all I can concentrate on, at this point.

Always Love,

John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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Dating 2.0

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