my bumble queue

To The Sad Women on Bumble: Dating Advice from a Life Coach

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“All the lonely people,
where do they all come from?”

I’ve spent a little time recently on Bumble, just taking the temperature of the online dating scene. I wrote this (. ) About my experience. Today, I’m going to explore what the women of Bumble need to know.

What’s Motivating You to Date?

I’m amazed by the profiles that swipe by at how many women are not putting their best foot (or photo) forward. Why would you put up a bad photo of yourself? All the bathroom mirror photos are sad. Don’t you have a friend who can take a photo of you? What your photos say about you.

  • So, so, so happy (too much hilarity starts to feel fake, don’t over do it)
  • Drinks ASAP (a drink in your hand shows how fun you are?)
  • Eyes wide open (has something surprised you?)
  • A sad picture (what are you fishing for?)
  • Unexplainable tattoos
  • Blurry old photos
  • Too much glamour (hiding what?)
  • Working out is my thing (gym or guns pic)

It’s sort of sad, actually. Scrolling and swiping LEFT LEFT LEFT. In my fuzzy math, the ratio (for me) is about 20 – 1. I can see the patterns of mistakes from my list above. If you don’t know why you’re on Bumble, get off. If you’re not interested in dating, quit wasting the time of people who are looking for a date.

“A friend made me put this profile up.” Um, yeah, this one isn’t going to explain away why your descriptions are generic. “Long walks on the beach, and happy hours, and travel.” Yeah, right. Isn’t that what everyone wants?

What’s Your Lead Feature?

Let’s talk about your best feature. What is your leading trait? How are you going to catch the eye of like-minded potential partners? Again, I’m going to give you a few observations.

Tired leads:

  • boobs
  • booze
  • my tats
  • my abs
  • my affluence

Here’s the hint.

If you’ve got great boobs, awesome, I’m going to notice at some point. The preference is that I won’t be 100% drawn in by your boobs. If that’s the main theme of your initial profile photo, what I actually think is, “Wow, are they your most interesting feature?” It’s sad, this over-promotion of sex, boobs, smokey eyes, and come hither looks. Your profile should represent the “girl next door” if you ask me. I don’t want you to be too glamour-focused, too boob-focused, too sex focused. Unless that is your point, consider leaving some of the cleavage photos off your profile.

Drinks are what we do to celebrate. Yes, but, drinks are not a priority in my life. If you’re leading with margaritas, I’m out. No matter how much I could go for a good rita and queso first date, if it’s your lead, it’s a turnoff for me.

Tattoos are an interesting choice for people of our age. My first encounter with a post-divorce tattoo was a large male lion on the belly of my first girlfriend. I couldn’t get over it. I have no idea where the aversion was back then. If anything, it’s increased. Skin without ink is a good key to my interest.

Your abs *are* amazing. I’m in awe of how great your body looks. How much time do you spend in the gym? Do you love working out? What do you do for fun? Maybe invite them to a first date at Lifetime Fitness. Are we going to be spending a lot of time in the gym together? For me, the answer is no. I do appreciate your body. I’d like there to be more soul in there.

Leading with a photo of you coming off a private jet might look great as a movie poster, but as a mating call, it’s a bit absurd. Or, is that what you’re after? A partner who can put you on private planes? Again, at our age, we should not need to show off our prosperity. Yes, we want someone who’s got their financial shit together, but we (In my world) don’t need to find a sugar daddy or sugar baby.

Leading With Joy

The hilariously funny joke that’s causing you to laugh wildly in your profile photo is a bit of a mystery. How do you show your happiness, your joy, your emotional set point?

Smiles and giggles make good photos. The photo that drew me into my current “fiancé” was a smile, but you could hardly see any real info about the person. Find a photo that says happy without being too obvious. We want to imagine ourselves with a happy and funny person. I want to see you laugh at my jokes with that same enthusiasm.

Happiness is more about the inner light and not about the party shots. How do you find joy in your regular life? Do you wake up with optimism? How can we show it? I want to see happiness in you. I also want your words (your profile) to also give me some indication of your approach to life. What do you say you are looking for in your partner? Give that some thought. The more specific you are be, the more likely your perfect fit finds you.

Finding Kindness and Cuteness

What we don’t need in online dating is sarcasm or cynicism. Yes, we’re all finding our way after the pandemic and #metoo. We need to find kindness and cuteness. The vibe you want coming off your profile from the first picture, to the first word, to the last picture, and final prompt: kind and cute.

I can’t tell you exactly what connected with me about my girlfriend’s profile, but I can show you the ONE photo that launched my quest. (Image above) What is it about this photo. It’s a hotel. She’s smiling and wearing a gimme cap of some sort. And I want to be the one taking these photos of her, I want to be the one making her smile like that.

Your best photo causes me to say, “I want to be the one taking these photos of her, I want to be the one making her smile like that.”

And after some simple negotiations on we met for lunch and …

Get out there, but make sure you’re putting your best profile out there. I can give you a quick profile review for free. You’ve got to know what vibe you are putting out there, to make sure you’re attracting the kind of attention and partners you want. If you don’t know what you want, well, perhaps there’s more work to be done on your part. I can help with that too.


John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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