let's talk about sex

Sexual Chemistry Experiments for the Win

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Let’s Talk About Sex (Again)

Sexual chemistry is not a mystery. It’s also not the best indication of a lasting relationship ahead. It is also a required part of a healthy intimate relationship. Contrary to common wisdom, the chemistry can heat up over time. Actually, as you move through time with a single partner your heat for them can and should increase. Yes, there are non-sexual relationships, that’s okay, but we’re talking about how sex is one of life’s basic needs.

Sex & Sexual Chemistry & Sexual Desire

Sexual desire is also a big topic in relationships. One partner has a higher need, heat, desire. Perhaps the other partner is obsessed with work, or going through a work or family crisis and too stressed out to get aroused. The imbalance is common. The variations in our own sexual desires happen daily. And, make no mistake, we are in strange times with sexual deviance becoming the mainstream.


So, in my definition has more to do with variance from the norm. I have almost no experience or knowledge of the non-binary trend. As my dad used to say, “I blame it on the Beatles.” I’m framing up a theory that sounds exactly the same. I guess I’ve become the old white guy.

“I blame it on porn.”


Let’s not get hung up in this tidepool of confusion. I’ll address porn and its modern variations in a future post.

Sexual desire is a mercurial bitch. Some days I wake up with a hunger. In our modern world, porn is free. Thus, so many men are jacking rather than kissing, even when a desirous woman is in the next room. How do we explain that? Let’s dig a bit deeper.

I’m Having Sex, Are You?

In reading a book many years ago I was struck by the two kinds of sex described.

  1. partnered sex
  2. solo sex

As young men, we learn about #2 at an early age. Masturbation becomes self-soothing, fun, and educational. Telling a funny story about me, I wanted to know all about it. After finding a box of Penthouse and Playboy magazines, I was fascinated by women’s bodies. In some unexplainable way, I was most drawn to the lesbian spreads. Why was that? I had no experience with partnered sex yet. Why were two females more interesting than one?

Whatever your proclivity, I’m guessing it changes from week to week. As a man, if I abide by medical advice, my system needs to be flushed several times a week. This is unproven advice. The idea is that the risk of prostate cancer (79% of men will have some form of it if they live past 70) can be lowered by frequent clearing of the fluids, which could be carrying the *bad* bits.

Terrifying. So you can see how men are going to be having solo sex all the time, right? (Joke.) But here is a new awareness of mine. (Forgive the personal exposure here.) I love my partner. I architect partnered sex and look forward to weekends when we have more energy and time. If we do the math, we can see, I need sex a lot to keep my aging body from turning against itself. Sure, you can imagine this as an excuse. Maybe it’s men’s science written by men for men. I don’t think that’s the case.

Porn is free. We never could’ve imagined that 15 years ago. Yet, here we are. We can talk later about how our children being exposed to trans women and men might be like taking your first hit of meth. First, there is a rush. “What is this? How is real?” It throws a mindwarp at us. The idea probably never occurred to you before you encountered an amazingly beautiful partner who aligns with your gender preference, who then has bits of the other gender. A genderblender. The porn term is “chicks with dicks.” (Forgive me.)

This injection of deviance into our mental wiring begins a process of relearning, and retraining, ourselves on what gets us off. The reality is, that most young men do not fantasize about meeting their favorite actress, and then being even more turned on when she becomes a trans man. No judgment. But, my teenage brain couldn’t have made up lipstick lesbians on its own. Porn gave me that fantasy. The reality is much different.

The lesbian fantasy (let’s stay with my white guy journey) is not very robust. It’s there. Occasionally it pulls up moments of joy. I don’t have any intention of seeking sex with my partner and another woman. It lives in a fantasy world. And in those fantasies, I am not a third person in the room, I’m one of the two women. Maybe in my mind, I’m the cameraman. Woohoo! Obviously, I’m not going to head down that road myself. (I say obviously, but who knows… *grin*)

What we know today from science and psychology is sex is an animal survival instinct. We furry animals want warmth, cuddles, and release. In solo-sex we can visualize space alien women if our chemistry finds arousal in some odd area of pornhub. In reality, we probably are not seeking sex with an alien. Or cartoon porn, anime porn, is very aberrant, odd, violent, non-binary, aliens, devils, and robots. How is that sexually arousing? I don’t know. I don’t know at all. And, it’s a popular porn channel.

Partnered Sex

In my world, my partnered sex gets better as we grow together as a couple. Four of seven nights I am at my house. During those moments, alone, my hunger may arrive. If I’m listening to the current medical advice, I act on that impulse. For health, right? Yes.

We also seek extreme highs, peak moments, and novel ideas. Sex is similar. In partnered sex, Esther Perel talks about novelty and desire. We want sex to change and evolve. We want to be turned on by our partners. We might be turned on by other people, other ideas, but we return in our partnered sex, to work out our touching, loving, and squeezing moments together. Monogamous partnerships have been my biggest teachers. I am supremely focused on my partner as my one, my co-pilot, my equal.

My partner cannot be with me 24/7. My hunger can arise just like a craving for ice cream. Porn makes solo sex easy, safe, and NOVEL. Variant sex on porn sites is where the growth is coming. We’re seeing the mainstreaming of non-binary characters, trans characters, and sexual divergence. That’s healthy. The expose to porn at an early age was less dangerous when I was a kid. Magazines provided all the companionship I could have, and my own self-education program began in earnest. I didn’t get to consummate the ultimate act until Christmas break home from prep school. It was magical and terrible. I’ve never stopped trying to get it right.

My partnered sex is actually enhanced by my own desire and intentions. My 3-a-week target is just that, a goal. When presented with options while alone, I never think of “hooking up,” looking at dating sites or cruising for sex. I might open my computer. I might find a spark of arousal. I’m as surprised as you are when the cartoon couple flutters some dark, unexplored, fantasy. I don’t think too much about it. Porn, fantasy, and release are not cheating on my partner. Actually, my desire for her has never been stronger.

I’m going to pause here. There’s much more to tell. But here’s the frame for you to explore for yourself.

It’s often not a mismatch of sexual desire. Couple issues often follow this sequence: one partner wants more partnered sex than the other partner. Finding the balance between partnered sex and solo sex is a dance. It’s not that I have more sexual desire. It’s not that my partner is lacking desire. I do think finding your own way to solo sex satisfaction, regardless of what gets you off (remember: solo sex is not cheating) is a required process for healthy sex and a healthy prostate for men. More sex, even solo, builds more desire over time, more testosterone. Sex is not depleting. It is energizing. It is essential.

We’re all on our own private solo journey. Many of us are seeking a partnered sexual journey that continues to evolve, improve, and satisfy both partners. That’s my goal, anyway. What’s your plan?


John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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Related posts:

You can find all of my books on AMAZON.

Including this one:

the sex index


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