Let’s talk about sex and sexual fulfillment. Sexual liberation. Sexual energy.
Sex Is Important
Here’s a fact. Most of us (I only know about myself) learn about sex by ourselves. I’m going to assume that it’s similar for most of you. I do understand that some people have a harder time with their own sexual pleasure. I’ve even heard of women who don’t know what an orgasm is. Oh my.
For most of us boys, back in the day, we learned about sex with Playboy and Penthouse. Penthouse Forum if you were a reader. And the two magazines divided us boys into two camps: 1. big boobs and blonde hair, 2. all boob sizes and lesbians. I was in the second camp. And I’ve been waiting and working to have my first menage a trois with Penthouse lesbians, not the lesbians on tv in the LGBTQ+ protest videos. No. We had a fantasy deeply ingrained in our young bodies and minds. We all wanted to date a lesbian. Or, I guess, bisexual women.
I learned how to pleasure myself. Sometimes the stories were more arousing to my imagination. In my stories, I could craft the women into goddesses. And I’m not sure, where I got my template, my fetish, my type. Penthouse, perhaps. Thin, small-breasted, lesbians who also like men. But, all that was poor prep for what real relationship-building entails. Sometimes sex is a priority.
GES (Good Enough Sex)
As you mature a bit and begin having sex with others, there are new considerations. What does my partner want? What get’s me off? What’s out of bounds? What’s untried, but still in the mix?
You may begin thinking you’re getting good at sex, then you meet a new partner who has a completely different makeup. What worked for previous relationships no longer works. What got us off in our 30s doesn’t arouse us any longer. So, you’ve got to talk. You’ve got to listen. You’ve got to adjust your expectations. And if it all goes well, you begin to sync your styles with each other.
In my attempts at creating *epic sex* every single time, my plans backfired. I was in a relationship with good sex, but sex could take 45 minutes or much longer. There was no quickie in our sexual vocabulary. The concept of GES was not part of my experience. Today, I think sex can be overcomplicated, overplanned, and overloaded with past ghosts and failures.
Sex with Myself
But how do you know what works for you? Going back to the basics, it’s important that you understand you’re own sexuality. In all my years of self-love, I’ve come to understand a bit more about myself.
- Sex requires energy and motivation
- Sex is more about contact and pleasure and less about orgasms
- Mutual orgasm is cool, but it’s not everything
- There is a tipping point for men, my body gives me signals if I’m paying attention
- Tuning into your partner is where the magic happens
- Sensual touch without sex is fantastic
- Foreplay can be texts, casual touches, and flirts
- Each new partner presents a new drawing board
Sex with Others
From my own sexual knowledge comes my confidence and energy to lean into sex with my partner. Good communication skills (mostly before and after for me, I’m less verbal during sex) are essential for finding the hits and misses. Don’t think you know. Ask.
As you mature with your partner, sex becomes easier, more playful, and more fluid. I can let go of my own pleasure and focus on my partner. It’s harder for me to learn to listen to my body, my desires. I’m hyper-tuned into my partner. I’m learning to find my own self-awareness in sex. I’m trying to listen to my own body, my own impulses, my own desires, and listen for their pleasure as well.
Sex with My Beloved
If you believe sex is sacred you can turn a corner with your partner. Sex with the person I love is different from other types of sex. There can still be the heat and intrigue, but there’s a deeper layer of trust, comfort, and care that makes it even more relaxing and connecting. Sex is a form of communication. All animals do it. As humans, we have the opportunity to get better at sex. To get more of what we want from our partnership. And to find love and connection within the arms of our beloved, clothed or unclothed.
But, it all started when I learned to fk myself. I’m still learning.
John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
Facebook | Instagram | Pinterest | @wholeparent
- The Joy of Sex Itself: What Are the Sexual Differences Between Men & Women?
- 7 Habits of a Sizzling Sex Life: Relationship Building
- “Sex, Dear?” Yes, Please! When Desire Levels Don’t Match
- What Is Sexual Chemistry? Mood? Desire? Compatibility? Body Heat?
Please check out my books on AMAZON.