Let me define BLG (big love generator) for you.
Characteristics of the Big Love Generator
- brings flowers for no reason
- recites poems and random song lyrics at opportune moments
- gives their partner the feeling of being the central focus
- directs attention and energy towards their partner
- works to cultivate romantic and loving vibes
- often makes “date night” plans and doesn’t complain when things don’t work out
- is comfortable expressing affection and does so frequently
- often expresses closeness with a casual touch or grasp of the hand
- is described as a hopeless romantic
If this definition sounds like you, you may also be a BLG.
What Are the Advantages of Being a Big Love Generator?
Most of the time BLGs are happy cruising along creating 90% of the love and affection in a relationship. They often make too many plans, offer too many good things, and have to learn to let go of the outcome of many of their efforts. But for the BLG, making the romantic gesture and offer is the reward in itself. I love being in love. I love generating ideas and trying to heighten the love feelings between me and my partner. I’ve gotten used to not getting my “way” a good portion of the time. And, most of the time, I’m confident in pressing on in spite of the letdowns and jumping right into my next amorous projection.
And, it’s important for me to note here: the big love I am generating is a projection of my love. If I don’t pay attention I can overrun a partner with my expressions and suggestions of how enormous our love is. They may not be feeling the same level of romance. Ever. They may not ever get to the same plane of Big Love. That’s part of our risk. If we love too much and only a small amount of that love is returned, we end up spinning a lot of hearts and chocolate kisses and getting only minor responses. This is when we have to learn to dial back our BLG. Or, if necessary, go looking for another BLG to be with.
What are the Disadvantages of Being a Big Love Generator?
BLGs can be overwhelming. If the object of our affection is an introvert there is a high chance of a miss-match. It’s possible for a BLG to love an introvert, but their hot passion has to be well-contained and their self-awareness has to be high and tuned into the energy and openness of their partners. It is also possible for a BLG to create a fantasy world for the couple that is unsustainable. If the object of desire is less enflamed, less romantic, less passionate, there may be a point in the future where the mismatch becomes too painful to sustain. When a BLG pulls back some of their energy their partner will notice. It will be as if an electrical current has been switched off. If nothing in the relationship rises up to fill the void of romantic love, you can bet a change is in the works. BLGs are good at building sustaining love, but we are not that good at long pauses in our connections with others. We’re not good at curbing our enthusiasm and not being met with the enthusiasm of our partners.
And that’s one of the problems about being a BLG: if we’re building 90% of the romantic energy in a relationship, the other partner may not be required to put in a lot of effort. The partner of a BLG may become lazy, or complacent. It’s nice when the BLG does most of the heavy lifting when the BLG makes all the date night arrangements when the BLG initiates intimacy 90% of the time. But you can see, this situation often creates an imbalance. When there is a lack of responsiveness over time, the BLG will begin to feel the lack of effort on their partner’s side. As BLG, we do need to know that our partners are into and appreciative of our red-blooded passion. When we begin to sense a lack of responsiveness from our partners, we begin to wonder, “Is this as good as it gets? Are they even trying? Where’s their passion?”
It’s easy for a BLG to create a love relationship that cannot work. When some of the momentum and fire burn up often what we are left with is a less-than balanced relationship. We might have driven a one-sided partnership that becomes unsustainable. It was built on a mismatched level of attention and energy.
The Downfall of the Big Love and the Generator Too
As a fracture begins to grow in a loving relationship, the BLG begins to question their own fire, their own love impulses, their own judgment at falling in love with yet another unavailable partner. It’s not that we go after unavailable people, but sometimes our “big love” masks the red flags that should have warned us off. As things in an imbalanced relationship begin to get tough, the BLG thrashes a bit more than a normal person. Their desire for connection is so heightened that it can appear as impatience. A loving text to a partner, when it’s not returned in four hours, can become a crisis for the BLG. It’s not that we’re so desperate for feedback, but when the feedback is an obvious “not right now” we feel it in our BLG hearts. We begin to ask if our “reality distortion field” of the big love has again created a failing relationship.
When things actually fall apart, the BLG can go into a funk. It may feel like their big love will never be reflected. It may feel like those missed check-ins that were promised with “we’ll catch up later” were signs of how blind we were to the problems in the relationship. Even our failings are a bit distorted. The BLG appears to be in love with the other person, but there is a blindside to the passion, where the BLG is actually in love with the love they are creating. As long as the love, or the imaginary love, is being supported by the other person things are fine. When things begin to fray around the edges, BLGs can become convinced that once again they have been duped by their own distortions and projections. There is some truth to both sides of this painful truth. It hurts. BLGs will hurt a bit more as it is their own LOVE VIBE that is being denied and rejected.
Becoming a Fearless Big Love Generator
In spite of our failures, however, the Big Love Generator will return to their optimistic and romantic selves in time. After a period of recovery, a BLG will find a new adventure to begin. Where the real trick is for a BLG is in tempering their reality distortion field. In dating, we can learn to slow our roll a bit. We don’t have to show all of our BLG powers in the early weeks of dating. It’s important to listen for the love coming back from the person we are hoping to connect with. The signals coming back must indicate the romantic intentions and potential of our new partners. If we listen, if we slow our heat just a bit, we have a better chance of finding a fit in the imbalance that is inevitable.
We don’t need our partners to turn into BLGs too. We need our partners to accept and appreciate our white-hot love and then find their own lover within. Our partners do have to return some of the love. Our partners do have to respond with loving feedback. And if we dial up the chemistry just right…
Well, all I can say is, I’m still working on it.
- Five Reasons to Slow Your Roll when Dating: Sex and Dating
- Patience, Mindfulness, and the Slow Road to a Healthy Relationship
- Mind the Gap: Listening for the Signals from Your Lover
- When Things Go Right, I Mean Really Right: Dating a Single Dad
- Care of the Soul: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life – Thomas Moore
- The Soul of Sex: Cultivating Life as an Act of Love – Thomas Moore
- Kiss and Tell – Secrets of Sexual Desire in Women
- Hot Sex: How to Do It – a guide to getting things spiced up
- She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
Here are my books on Amazon:
- Single Dad Seeks: Dating Again After Divorce: Advice and Strategies on Learning How to be Loved Again
- Fall of the House of Dad: My journey through divorce, from loss to joy, again and again
- A Good Dad’s Guide to Divorce: One father’s quest to stay connected with his children
- The Sex Index: Getting Our Love Languages Right in the Bedroom
- Here Comes the Darkness: Surviving and Thriving After a Mental Illness Diagnosis
- The Third Glass: When Drinking Becomes an Issue
- The Storm Before the Divorce: When One Parent Wants Out, That’s the End