In the early weeks of a relationship, your mind has completely lost touch with reality. The BAE moment changes everything. Before All Else, I was lonely, I was feeling a bit depressed and hopeless, and I was working through my sadness and isolation. When the woman showed up and turned my heart and my imagination upsidedown, I immediately began to lose touch with reality. This is what happens when your body and sexual drive jumps into the mix and floods your system with “feel good” hormones and your mind jumps to “fantastic moments to come.”
Please Push Pause on the Daydream
First of all, congratulations. In my experience, this huge rush is a rare and precious thing. And for many people, they may never experience the thrill of being ignited by someone who enters their life for the first time and says, “Hey, maybe we could do this thing.” At this moment, it’s time to ask your brain and your body to pause. Just for a minute. Let’s explore what pausing looks like.
Five Reasons to Slow Your Bushfire when Dating
- Your body is turned on and you can’t think straight
- The chemicals rushing through you are altering your perceptions of reality
- This is “related” to falling in love, but it’s more about lust
- The animal instincts in you have been awakened, and you are not seeking a mate for procreation
- Nothing is as good or as bad as it seems when you are in this altered state
It’s okay. Don’t panic. In fact, the trick is to relax into what’s happening, breathe, and go slower than you want to. In my case, I always fail at this effort. When the game is on, my physical and sexual energy rockets through my system and changes my expectations of myself and my potential partner. What’s happening is much more primal. My male body is trying to have sex so that my DNA is passed down to as many youthful, healthy females as possible. My lion-brain is trying to procreate and assure the survival of my evolutionary bloodline. I want to have sex with you, but it’s really about serving me and the survival of the fittest.
Finding Your Centerpoint in the Midst of the Hurricane of Love
It is important for you to listen to what your alarm systems are telling you as well. This moment, this person, this potential for a future together is NOT as good as it seems. See, that’s also part of the hormonal response that’s altering your chemistry… The lion-brain wants to have sex and further his domination and successful leadership. The lion-brain is not good at sorting out the “issues” that might be obvious in a less hyped state. It’s like the moments after last call in a bar when you’re still alone and don’t want to leave empty-handed. At this point, even marginal partners become potential partners. But that’s about sex, and not about a relationship.
Seven Ways to Regain Your Balance when Love Vibes Are Overwhelming
- Stop all forward motion in the relationship and simply take a time out
- Get in touch with your own breathing, your own program of self-soothing, centering, meditation, walks in nature, whatever it takes for you to find an inner calm space
- Communicate with your partner about how excited you are, but… (Wait, don’t use “but” use “and.”_
- Assure your potential partner that they are indeed exactly what you are looking for in your life, AND you need some time to slow down and catch your breath
- Agree to keep sex off the table for a bit
- Find activities, not involving sex, that you can do and enjoy together, spend time with each other (in non-sexual activities) and see how your body and mind relax
- Commit to exploring the journey together
If your partner is freaked out by your pause, they might be disqualifying themselves right there. More likely, if they are interested in a relationship with you, they will honor and value your request for slowing it down. As we go slow we can commit to soaking it all in. Why blow past that first kiss in order to get to that first orgasm? Don’t miss the kiss. Don’t miss any of the kisses.
Then listen. Live some life together, out of the bedroom, and see how the relationship part of the partnership goes. It will become obvious if there are lifestyle or emotional differences. And when you keep the raging hormones at bay you can see this person without the rose-colored glasses. What we want is 100% pure and 100% honest. When we start to see that kind of connection emerge, BEFORE WE HAVE SEX, then we’re going to have a much more meaningful and enjoyable sexual awakening together.
Sex is sacred.
There is no such thing as casual sex.
Sex with strangers, or sex for fun, or friends with benefits, are all forms of masturbation. And I’d rather masturbate than hookup with someone who is unhealthy, or bad for me.
The Soul of Sex
Sex is about our connection with another person, yes, but can also be a celebration of our connection to our higher power. That might be God, Jesus, the Universe, or any other variation. Seeing the eye of love in a sacred way allows you to experience the ecstasy that God built us for. The orgasm is a function of nature and part of our physical programming. Getting beyond the lion-brain animal desire and twitch of sex, allows us to recognize a higher connection. And sex is definitely a way to connect with the higher power of your spiritual orientation.
When you have open and connected sex, anything else is… Jacking off.
How I Can Help
I am a relationship coach and a dating coach. I coach women in 1 x 1 zoom or facetime calls. I work in monthly blocks (4 sessions). We establish a relationship. I become your wingman in navigating and sorting through the bullshit of dating and relationships. If you are here, you’ve probably already read some of my opinions. If we’re a fit, we will both know on our first call. For SEPT-OCT I’m offering a 1 HR introductory call rather than my usual 30-minutes.
I am also launching two coaching groups about dating and relationships in the coming weeks. One for men and one for women, facilitated with a dear friend and wellness/aging coach. Both groups will be limited to 8 participants. So join the FB groups and watch for the opening announcements. THANK YOU.
- Free Coaching Call (1 HR Special)
- Women’s Relationship Group (join Private Facebook Group)
- Men’s Relationship Group (join Private Facebook Group)
- General Whole Parent Group (join Private Facebook Group)
- Subscribe to our monthly email (easily unsubscribe system too)
- Self-Care and Appreciation: Can I Love All of Myself Right Now?
- 3 Required Traits for Building a Lasting Relationship
- Emotional Intelligence Essentials for Long-Term Relationship Success
- Pausing in the Gap: Trying to Force An Answer Is Not the Way
- 7 Habits of a Sizzling Sex Life: Relationship Building
- The 3-point Formula for Loving Relationships: Where You Lead I Follow
- The 6th Love Language: Distance – Jessica Wildfire
- The 5 Love Languages Gary Chapman
- Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone – Brené Brown
Reading List: What is Love (Redefining what we want in our lives and loves)
- **A General Theory of Love Thomas Lewis, M. D. et al.
- The Soul of Sex: Cultivating Life as an Act of Love Thomas Moore
- ** Care of the Soul Thomas Moore
- The 5 Love Languages Gary Chapman
- Single Dad Seeks: Dating Again After Divorce: Advice and Strategies on Learning How to be Loved Again
- Fall of the House of Dad: My journey through divorce, from loss to joy, again and again
- A Good Dad’s Guide to Divorce: One father’s quest to stay connected with his children
- The Sex Index: Getting Our Love Languages Right in the Bedroom
- Here Comes the Darkness: Surviving and Thriving After a Mental Illness Diagnosis
- The Third Glass: When Drinking Becomes an Issue
- The Storm Before the Divorce: When One Parent Wants Out, That’s the End