I had a serious blow a few weeks ago. The confirmation of that blow came yesterday with a current employer, letting me know I would not be converted to a part-time employee. While it’s not much money, the job was providing some fantastic social time (retail) and some side benefits in the form of employee discounts. I started in April as a Seasonal Worker with a fixed termination date should I not be HIRED.
Here’s the rub. My performance scores are all at 100%! I love going in to work. I love what I do. I enjoy being surrounded by young people also doing the same job, and working alongside them as colleagues and collaborators. And again, 100% of my customer reviews were at the best they could be. Glowing reviews with specific notes of thanks. And yet, something is wrong with my employment trajectory. Anyway, this topic will be handled on another blog at a later date as I decipher the breakdown in my corporate employment experience.
Where Does That Leave Me?
Other than the feelings of sadness and loss, the job actually has very little impact on my livelihood or future plans. And, when this news was softly delivered by a “less than awesome young manager” I understood this as the universe giving me the nudge out of the temporary holding pattern that this job actually represented. Still, I’m a little scared. It’s hard to admit this, but the feelings of sadness and loss are triggering deeper sadness and loss. I am feeling the ghosts of last November when my plans went off the rails after a trip to NYC with my kids. (SEE: Total System Failure post)
In actuality, once the AG’s office got a hold of my paycheck, I was bringing home the equivalent of $7 an hour. (She gets 50% off the top, then I pay taxes on the full amount and the rest is what I take home.) My last paycheck, for a weeks work, was $225. That’s not a living wage. Okay, so things were going to need to change anyway, right? Right! But change is painful. And I was happy and proud of my employment with one of the best and brightest companies in our country.
And now, I’m going to have all that time back on my hands… So what’s the plan?
- First, I’m Going to Celebrate My Victory
- Second, I’m Going to Push Harder into my Consulting Practice
- Third, I’m ready to actually push my coaching services.
How Do I Feel Right Now?
The answer to that question is, shaken. I worked hard. I got great scores. And there were still reasons, that were not disclosed to me, that I was not hired for at part-time status. Age? White male? Whatever the target diversity demographic they were supposed to hit, I was not in the mix. So I feel a bit bummed out. I can steep in that sadness, OR… (and this is the better plan) I can use that emotional energy to surge forward into “what’s next.” And that’s the harder part. What’s next is unknown. I’m entering a gap phase again. My coaching practice is good but not a living wage. My consulting (digital marketing) practice is good, but I don’t really have the passion for it anymore. So what’s left is making ends meet for a year-or-so until I can build my coaching/speaking/writing gig into something that pays me enough to live.
I feel sad. I feel like a great opportunity, a great set of people, completely missed my gifts. I feel like I broke up with a lover. All of that is just about my feelings.
I am not sad. I am going to write them a resignation letter this afternoon. Why suffer through the next week with all the happy faces? It’s not for the money. It’s not for the job recommendation. It’s not so I can get more information about what I did wrong. I did nothing wrong. I was merely not selected from the candidates. Did all the other people have perfect performance scores? It doesn’t matter, and I’ll never know. The manager who gave me the hard news yesterday did not have ONE REASON to tell me about why I was not selected. (Sorry, I digress again.)
Keep My Eyes and Heart on the Path
I am doing good work here on my blog, meeting with clients, and even giving free meetup groups where people can get support without paying anything. I am happy about what I have built here out of my recovery from a painful divorce and an angry and unwilling co-parent. I am happy about my current relationship status. (Not disclosed on social media, by request.)
And with that, I’ll close with a bit of wisdom from my favorite support program, Al-anon.
God, grant me the serenity,
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I cannot change the old corporate lover’s mind. I can’t win them over by being a remarkable employee over the next week. I was a remarkable employee for 4 months. And the wisdom is knowing I did my best and for reasons beyond my control, and out of my spiritual purview, I am no longer working my little corporate job either. This is the beginning of something big.
If you are interested in my coaching support, I am offering a free session for us to meet and see if we’re a fit. (Usually a 30-minute phone call.) And I am running a back-to-school special for $300, giving you 4 one-hour sessions. My primary specialties are relationships, dating, divorce, co-parenting, parenting, and depression support and recovery. Let me know how I can be of service.
More articles from The Whole Parent:
- Fool In The Rain: A Brief Retelling of My Divorce and Rebirth
- Loss, Sadness, and Indifference: Struggles of a Single Dad
- Missplaning Divorce: How Women Benefit In an Imbalanced Divorce
- My Single Parent Slogan: Every Day At a Time
- How Did I Miss So Much In My Marriage? Divorced, I Now Understand.
image: the curve up ahead is important