I want epic sex.

I’m An Idealistic Lover

Every sexual encounter should have joy, plenty of time, plenty of energy, and enthusiasm up the yingyang. And then, there’s real life. I remember saying to a partner in the past, “Man, we’ve got to figure out how to do quickies, cause this epic sex is exhausting.” Of course, I was joking. Her laugh was a bit more uncomfortable. We really did need to learn the art of quick and satisfying sex.

Let’s set up some goalposts and see how we can bring our expectations in alignment with reality.

• Mutual and synchronized orgasms are great
• One person’s amazing orgasm is great
• One person’s honest feedback, “I’m not gonna get there, but you go…”
• Holding before, during, and after sex
• Joy at the simple art of touch
• Focus on the connection not the orgasm

Now, some of these are going to seem contradictory, but let me assure you they are all forms of well-connected sex.

What We Don’t Learn from Porn

Porn is a terrible teacher.

• The models are hot, young, and always up for sex
• The cock is always ready and willing for as long as it takes
• The lubrication is never an issue unless it’s a fetish thing
• Men are macho assholes who treat women as objects
• Women are playthings, always on, always ready, and always hot to trot

But that’s porn. Back here in the real world, in the world of aging bodies and unpredictable libido, we’ve got to do a better job of getting it on in a loving and respectful way. As we mature, some of these sexual ideas fit better on screen. When it comes to forming a loving relationship (in and out of the bedroom) with our long-term partner, we’ve got some negotiation and navigation to get through to find the smooth waters of great sex.

The best book I’ve ever read on the subject is Sexual Intelligence. I read this book ten years ago when I was beginning my post-divorce dating experience with girlfriend #1. I learned so much. Here are a few of the highlights.

If you only focus on the orgasm, you’re missing the largest part of the experience, the sex.

Orgasms are nice, but they are not everything. And when one partner can’t get there, it’s not because they’re not turned on, or into you. It might be exhaustion, stress, or problems in the relationship.

Bring joy into the entire experience of sex, foreplay, postplay, duringplay. Make sex playful. If there’s anxiety, something is not aligned. Pause. Take a break. Get help.

It’s been assumed that women took the longest time to warm up, but as we age, men too can require a bit more foreplay and anticipatory buildup to get and stay hard.

The hard cock is not the only tool in the toolbox. Toys can provide more flexibility.

In the past, with partners that had a harder time getting off, I learned to make the most of all of the experience. And communicate about what you want, what you need, and when you’re simply too tired to go on.

If the orgasm isn’t the main goal, sex can lighten up and be more playful. Sex can be about touch, intimacy, and care, rather than about performance. Letting go of the mutual (homerun) orgasm as the measure of good sex may take some adjustments for most of us. I mean, that’s always the WIN, right? I call them “gold star” sexual experiences. As in, “Well, we get a gold star for that one,” I say, as I high-five my partner before we snuggle down for a post-coital nap.

Finding Your Sexual Rhythm

There are going to be periods of unequal sexual desire. That’s normal. Sometimes a stressful job can throw off your desire. Misunderstandings in the relationship can cause resentment to build and sexual energy to diminish.

One of the best ways to cultivate sexual desire and playful attention is to keep the flirt-game high between you. When you’re feeling sexy tell your partner. When you think they’re sexy tell them. When you’re not all that horny but you’d like to engage, give them a massage. Find ways of connecting around touch without it having to be about sex, or orgasm, or performance.

Going slow may be a good solution if there are complexities that you’re trying to figure out with your partner. Don’t force sex for sex. And if one of you is complaining about “not enough sex” maybe it’s time to look at something called Autonomous Sex, better known as masturbation. If your only sex potential is with your partner, well, as a man, that’s going to present some challenges. Recent scientific studies of prostate health suggest a man needs to ejaculate 20 times a month to keep his system healthy. TWENTY TIMES A MONTH?

Okay, good data for learning and getting good at autonomous sex.

If my partner demanded that I stop masturbating and simply ask for sex when I’m horny, well, it would cause some problems. And to tell you that men learned about sex early on, and we learned how to masturbate in a way that satisfies us, how are we supposed to just give that up? It’s a form of self-soothing. It’s healthy. And it’s probably essential to get your numbers above the 10s.

We’re all a bit childlike when it comes to sex and asking for what we need. I know I get quiet. I have ideas, but I’m shy. In the bedroom. I’m not shy in general, but sex can make most of us a bit reticent. Here’s to our sexual liberation and the uninhibited energy that can come from getting in sync with your partner and with yourself. Let’s have better sex out there. Maybe not MORE ORGASMS, but definitely MORE SEX.