I Am a Red Flag: Dating Again Can Be Challenging

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Listen free to the Deep Dive on this article

After divorce with kids a lot of people, men and women, simply give up on finding a new relationship. For a few years, during the freak-out period, it’s probably best to regroup and not take your circus on the roadshow of online or offline dating. Take the time off to understand what caused the demise of your last relationship(s) and get a renewed grip on what makes YOU happy.

Alone we discover our inner happiness.

We think we need people to feel happy. We think loneliness might kill us, or at least maim us if we give vulnerability and ache a chance to be felt and expressed. So, many of us run around looking to fill our open wounds with a new partner. That is not the way to go. Take a moment. Relearn your own love language. How do you find joy within yourself?

How I Ruin Relationships

I write about relationships and dating. If we begin chatting I’m going to disclose some of my creative initiatives so you are aware. The rest is up to you. My last three-year relationship started with this statement, “I don’t want to read your books. I want to start here with you.” She was clear. I didn’t need to wow her, flood her, or give her too much information about myself.

Red Flag #1: Dating a Relationship Blogger
Red Flag #2: Constantly Seeking Improvements
Red Flag #3: Can’t Shut Up About Themselves
Red Flag #4: Asks Open-Ended Questions to Learn About You

Dating Me and My Writing

I was always amazed to be in a relationship with someone and learn that they didn’t really read my blog. It’s okay, but… Well, I’m trying to be transparent here, I write about what’s going on in my life. You might be interested in the parts about romance, fidelity, and faith. You might not want to jump into the rabbit hole, as my partner expressed, but to not be curious about what I’m writing, might end up being offsetting red flags for both of us.

I will try and take out most of the personal details, the specifics, about our journey together. I will never reveal something sensitive without reading the article to you first, and getting your changes and/or consent. But know, I am writing about my life RIGHT NOW. If you are part of my life, there will be blog posts, poems, songs. It’s how I am.

Narcissus In Love

I observe myself and my actions. I try and learn from my reflection. I might be accused of falling into the mirrored pond, but I work to stay conscious of my side of the relationship journey. As an evolving partner, I expect you to have plans, dreams, and hopes for our future as a couple. I cannot be the only one doing the stretching. We need to grow in our partnership. I am always changing.

As I learn more about my life post-divorce-with-kids, I have learned that my creative process and study of relationship dynamics, even my life coaching, all informs me about my own experience. I change. I ask for more. I ask for something different. I ask you to push your own rock up the hill, but I will share in the storytelling and snuggles. We cannot fix each other. We cannot make another person happy. If we’re looking for that happiness in a partner, in a love relationship, in an external measure of success, we’re going to run out of energy. If my partner is not working on themselves, making time for their individual interests, the imbalance will show up in our allocations of time.

Quiet Time

I do run-on! I do like to entertain, present, share, sing. I express myself in a myriad of ways. My relationship to a loving partner is only part of my equation. And, if you’re not interested in hearing my new poem, don’t say that you are and then scroll Instagram on your phone while I’m reading.

I talk, write, sing, draw, and do other things to express both my love and my losses. I have written many love poems. I will eventually get to pulling us into a poem or a song.

That’s part of the constellation of me.

I Am Curious About Your Dreams

I am an explorer. I want my partner to be a co-pilot, not a passenger. I will ask questions and listen. I am a good listener. I might take up a lot of the oxygen in the room, but I’m ready to hand you the respirator at any time. I ask questions. I seek to learn about you. Are you ready to tell me?

This Moment In My Life

I have found many answers about myself over the last 14 years since my divorce. I can count SIX major relationships in that time period, and felt and expressed so much love, I feel lucky even though I am alone again. I found a perfect partner with a perfect flaw. Now, in this period, I am learning again about my solo-comforts, solo-joy, solo-love. I’m also leaning into both my kids, who are needing a bit of extra support and love.

I am alone. I am full. I am joyous.

What’s next for me is a fascinating project my mind and heart are working on together. I am expressing it all over the place, not just on this website. My current theory is that someone, some woman, will receive my radio signal of language and sound. I am broadcasting on all channels. Who shows up in my life next is a mystery, but I intend to give 100% of my available attention to her. This is how I do it.

Hope + Love + Time

I’ll see you out there, okay?

Always Love,

John McElhenney – life coach austin texas

Afterthought: See, this is how it feels. I am writing about you, including you in the story, even before we meet. This is how it feels.

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