His appetite and her level of desire might be a mismatch. Men and women process sex, sexual arousal, and the connective momentum that needs to occur for both partners to be OPEN TO SEX.
“I’m Open to Sex, But Not Motivated”
– a good opening for alignement
5 Things About a Woman’s Level of Desire
- She doesn’t feel connected to you.
- She’s more focused on being a mom than a partner to you.
- She doesn’t feel sexy.
- Her sexual desire and optimal frequency is different than yours.
- She is tired, stressed, or depressed.
And yes, there is more that you can do as an attentive partner. If your position is “well, she’s just less sexual than I am,” or “she’s just not all that interested in sex” you’ve got some reframing to do. This is a collaborative relationship, right?
A woman’s desire is different. Her needs are different as well. And if you can tune into what your woman needs, what warms her up, and what sets her on fire, you can apply the aphrodisiac of being present for her, and get more of your desires and fantasies met as well.
Can Men Do More to Arouse and Interest Their Partners?
- Pay attention to them from dawn until dusk.
- Sexy hints and erotic texts can heat up your partner in new and unexpected ways.
- What is she really into? Can you provide it without being asked? Can you anticipate her wants and desires to meet her at HER level?
- Are you fully present with your woman, or do you drift? Do you get bored of her stories? Do you get triggered by her vulnerability?
Are You Standing Strong as a Partner?
It is important that we not wait around and beg for sex with our partners. We need to be directed in our lives and directed in the bedroom when it is go time. We can do a lot more to create a sensual woman than we think. Little triggers, tiny earthquakes, and ongoing flirtation is all part of wooing the woman of our dreams into being the woman of our dreams.
Women can only lean into their feminine power if we, as men, own our masculine power. It’s not a macho thing. Quite the opposite. We must be empathetic partners who are comfortable asking for what we want, and giving what is requested of us. We must be flexible men. We must give when we are tired, give when things are going poorly, and give even when we think we’ve given up.
Men can never give up.
And women will feel it the minute you go limp (metaphorically and physically.) Their energy and attraction will take a dive or get a boost depending on how you are showing up in her life. So, ask yourself, how are you showing up in your woman’s life? How are you standing in when she’s tired, frustrated, or depressed? Those are the moments for an attentive man to be a trusted friend and not a predator.
SHOW UP, OR SHUT UP.
I’m tired of men complaining about a woman’s sexual desire. I’m tired of women complaining about chores, exhaustion, and ennui.
LISTEN UP: SEX IS A COOPERATIVE and REGENERATIVE activity.
Through positive communication, positive experiences (in and out of the bedroom), and positive momentum, the sexual chemistry can be ignited at will. Sometimes there will be periods of low sexual activity. This too is expected and embraced.
It is neither the man nor the woman who is responsible for getting sex right. But, what we can call agree on is, if sex gets better the relationship gets better too. When sex between a couple dies, the relationship may not be far behind.
Do You Know What Turns Your Woman On?
We’ve got to be looking for clues and hints all through our relationship. If connecting via sex is a vital part of a healthy relationship (as I believe it is) then both partners need to be attentive to pulling their own weight. Each partner is responsible to bring their WHOLE SELF to the relationship. This includes being a sexual goddess or strong male partner. It is in relationship to a strong man that a woman can let themselves show up as passionate and open.
If you don’t know what turns your woman on, ASK! It’s easy. It might be harder to get either of you to really reveal the inner secrets of your passion, but keep trying. Keep digging deeper into your partner’s aspirations, and revealing as much of your own as you can. When you connect on all levels, you will both feel electrified and the sexual imbalance will recalibrate and recenter. Open to your partners’ desires. Be prepared to accept her challenge. And when asked, do your best to give clear answers to what you want as well.
The Realtime Feedback Loop in a Healthy Relationship
During sex and in any other moments of elevated communication, it’s important for the feedback loop between you to be open, consistent, and nurturing. Pay attention. Stay in the present moment with your lover.
Listen. Reflect. Pause. Join. Listen. Share. Pause. Check-in.
If we can tune our feedback loop to closer levels of integration and connection, we can move deeper into trust and the exploration that follows.
Are you listening for your partner’s signals? Are you paying attention to their souls as well as their bodies? Are you speaking your truth about what you want and what you really really want? And then listening for their response? Lead in the bedroom enough to open your partner up, then pay attention to all the signals, verbal and non-verbal. Tune in to your partner.
That’s the secret to a healthy relationship. Tune into your partner’s signal so you can establish a vibrant feedback look between the two of you. Ready, set, go.
Tune in to your lover!
*post originally written in September 2021, updated Feburary 2022.
How I Can Help
I am a relationship coach and a dating coach. I coach women in 1 x 1 zoom or facetime calls. I work in monthly blocks (4 sessions). We establish a relationship. I become your wingman in navigating and sorting through the bullshit of dating and relationships. If you are here, you’ve probably already read some of my opinions. If we’re a fit, we will both know on our first call.
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- I Am a Big Love Generator: It’s Not Easy for Me to Slow My Roll
- Alignment in Time and Space: Finding and Refinding Your Partner
- Stoking Your Soul Fire: Finding Peace at the Edge of the Unknown
- Becoming the Beloved
- Mind the Gap: Listening for the Signals from Your Lover
- Patience, Mindfulness, and the Slow Road to a Healthy Relationship
- The 6th Love Language: Distance – Jessica Wildfire
- The 5 Love Languages Gary Chapman
- Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone – Brené Brown