Can you be okay with your relationship not being okay?
This quote from Tolle popped up on my Facebook page today.
Who’s to say Facebook is all bad. Maybe it’s how you look at Facebook. Or, what you are hoping to accomplish with Facebook. But this post isn’t about Facebook or Muse. (grin)
Non-Peace Transmuted into Peace
Let’s see if we can parse out this message a bit more clearly. So, if you accept that non-peace is the way of life, you can learn to accept non-peace as the status quo and become calm and centered amid the non-peace. In a peaceful way. Right?
In my life, there are still several points of non-peace. I’m still frustrated with the BS from my ex-wife and mother of my two wonderful children. I’m a little bit frustrated that my writing and blogging have not released me from the need for a 9-5 job, but hey, I’m still rolling with both. I’m frustrated when people in my life are more assholish than nice. I always strive to be nice, but sometimes I too can be an asshole. Ho-hum. We move on.
There are plenty of things in the larger world that I am not at peace with. And guess what? Most of them, I can do NOTHING ABOUT. So getting upset, or allowing the elections to make me anxious, is pointless. Let them go. I don’t do TV, for the most part. (Since 9-11 the images associated with news, mostly bad news, were too powerful to block out of my conscious life. So I just blocked the TV news. Period.) And while I am at non-peace with these things, and those people, and … I’m able to release them and relax a bit. Even in the middle of non-peace.
Non-Peace is All Around Us
- It’s what we do with our lives that matters.
- It’s our actions.
- It’s being conscious of our words and how we use them.
- It’s being conscious of our bodies and how to love them and use them to love others.
- It’s being conscious of the currency of time and making good choices about how we choose to spend our most precious gift.
- It’s how I connect and stay connected with my two kids.
- It’s how I arrive and stay present in my loving relationships.
- And, most importantly, it’s how I surrender all the other shit going on around me.
How Do You Let Go?
There are a number of ways we can reconnect with the present moment. When we notice we are cycling in the past (regrets) or worried about the future (anxiety) we can do a number of simple things to return to the moment. This moment.
Recentering In The Moment
- Make a note of the things around you in the room. Say things to identify them, like, “Blue carpet. Green box. Brown slippers on my feet.” By labeling and observing our immediate surroundings we can retune with the present moment.
- Ask the person you are with to give you some present moment appreciations. “What are you grateful for at this moment?”
- Stop and breathe for a few seconds. And ask yourself, “Am I in danger at this very moment?” The answer is most likely going to be NO.
When we can return to this present moment, our regrets and anxieties have no place to hide. At this moment there is no bear at the door. At this moment everything is in its right place. At this moment I am safe. At this moment I am healthy. At this moment I am loved. No matter what you are suffering from, “in this moment” you can release your pain, even for a few seconds.
This In Not the Answer
Just as Tolle continues to write books, none of us have THE ANSWER, THE SECRET, THE KEY. Of course, a lot of programs, and promoters will tell you, their way is the best, the only, the fastest, the most honest, the way. But their’s is not the way. Tolle’s book The Power of Now is fabulous. It’s a game-changer. And Tolle became a household name as a result of the success of that one book.
Well, if that book contained the answer, why would Tolle continue to put on webinars and programs? Why would he need to charge hundreds and thousands of dollars for his services? If the book has the answer, what do we need his next book for? What do we need to get from joining his latest program? The answer is NOTHING. If you GET the power of now. You don’t need to study Tolle anymore. Unless, you merely like being part of his program, and getting daily, weekly, refreshers. Sure, that’s okay. I’m not down on Tolle. But Tolle is not the way.
This Is the Way
Here’s the message, even in Tolle’s little Facebook marketing teaser for his new program. There is no simple answer. And yet, the answer is the simplest thing in the world. If you can arrive at NOW. If you can return to NOW again and again through the course of your day, you will find YOUR ANSWER.
Your answer may contain some Tolle, some Brene Brown, some Thomas Moore, some Jack Kerouac, some Pink Floyd. Your present moment will be very different than mine, even if we are sharing the same space and time. Our inner space presence is where the real work gets done. As we align more strongly and clearly with our inner passion, with our mission, with our calling, we will get closer and closer to being at peace. At this point, the non-peace ceases to upset us. The non-peace becomes the landscape on which we live, thus we must find our center even in the middle of the shitstorm that is 2020-2021.
Let’s release this year. Let’s be present in the closing days of Nov and Dec. Let’s be kind during the holidays. We need to be kind FIRST to ourselves. SECOND to those around us. But we need to find kindness in everything we do. And continue to return to that present kindness. It’s not easy. But
Surrender | This Is the Way
Epilogue: I was having a heated discussion with a friend about trauma. This person was convinced that their method, their process, their training was THE WAY to release trauma. My friend believed, “Unless a person had done “the work” in this person’s method, they had not really released or healed their trauma.” I was a bit surprised that we were having a disagreement about healing trauma. I asked, “Do you think Peter Levine and Alice Miller have it right?” They did not know who those people were. “Have you read The Drama of the Gifted Child?” They had not. I had no more to add. I let them continue in their little bubble of “my way” and moved along. No need to convince someone who is already convinced.
How I Can Help
I am a relationship coach and a dating coach. I coach women in 1 x 1 zoom or facetime calls. I work in monthly blocks (4 sessions). We establish a relationship. I become your wingman in navigating and sorting through the bullshit of dating and relationships. If you are here, you’ve probably already read some of my opinions. If we’re a fit, we will both know on our first call.
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- Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone – Brené Brown
- **A General Theory of Love Thomas Lewis, M. D. et al.
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- ** Care of the Soul Thomas Moore
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- Healing Trauma – Peter Levine
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