The NYTimes posted a new story called “Why Aren’t More People Marrying? Ask Women What Dating Is Like.” I can’t wait to read it. But before I do, I’m going to voice some ideas of “what it’s like” before I read the NYTimes writer’s version.
Women’s Dating Challenges
- Get overwhelmed by men’s offers
- Dick pics are alive and well
- Good dates get lost in the volume of crap
- Men are usually clueless or assholes
- Money doesn’t make men more attractive, just more alluring
My only personal experience is on the “men’s” side and here’s what online dating has been like for me.
Men’s Dating Challenges
- 99% of attractive women will never respond
- Many of those will never visit your profile or open your DM
- If there are 1000 available matches in your area, only 1% are actual options (for those bad at math, that’s 10 potential matches in every 1000 profiles)
- Of the 1% only 10% will accept a “hello date” – first meeting in person
Fake Profiles In Online Dating
- Many of the really hot profiles are NOT REAL PEOPLE
- All online dating companies run FAKE PROFILES to encourage you along the path to PAYING for more features.
- The woman who’s chatting with you but won’t EVER commit to meeting for coffee, may live in Bangalore and be significantly outside your age range settings.
- Many humans are more like bots, they don’t want to DATE, they just want to play at dating, the fantasy started by your profile is the reward
I mean, it’s a complete numbers game. My real advice *if* online dating is your thing: you only need ONE real match. (My current GF and fiancé snared me on Match) So, in playing the numbers, get on Tinder, Bumble, Match, and OkCupid. If you’re a man, this will make sense. If you’re a woman, you’ve already tuned out. One system is overwhelming.
What It the NYTimes Saying About Dating
And some excerpts from that study show this
“found that nearly half of college-educated women said they were single because they had trouble finding someone who meets their expectations, versus one-third of men.”
“It seems that by the time men begin dating, they are relatively “limited in their ability and willingness to be fully emotionally present and available,”
Mr. Cox likened that to heterosexual relationships today: “The girls do extra, and the boys do little or nothing.”
And then the article turns to the “marriage and mating” part of the title.
The Yale anthropologist Marcia Inhorn’s recent book “Motherhood on Ice: The Mating Gap and Why Women Freeze Their Eggs,” argues that educated women freeze their eggs because they’re unable to find a suitable male partner: She points to a large gap between the number of college-educated women and college-educated men during their reproductive years — on the order of several million. (Amazon link for convenience.)
The book continues:
“a sort of taxonomy of cads, such as the “alpha males” who “want to be challenged by work, not by their partners” or the “polyamorous men” who claim “that their multiple attachments to women are all ‘committed.’
“But rather than chiding people (mostly women, mostly single moms) to marry for the children, how about a little empathy that we’re living through a juncture where various forces at play have made meaningful companionship hard to find?”
Okay, not what I expected. There’s not much about “dating,” and more about marriage and how society is pushing women toward marriage and kids but providing very few good men for them to marry.
Dating is hard. Men are assholes and often unevolved. Those men are often narcissistic assholes who want a mom, not a mate. And there are vapid women who look like “Real Housewives” (gross) and show themselves on their dating profiles with private jets, exotic locations, working out, and drinking. Seriously? That’s your best angle? You like to travel, work out, and get hammered? That’s more of an introduction to a quickie, not a lasting relationship.
It cuts both ways. Men need to do better (online and offline) in listening and responding to women’s messages. Women need to get a bit deeper into what they are bringing to the relationship besides abs and enhanced boobs.
For women, take it slow. Find the few touchpoints that often elicit a “yes” from your heart. Give a few men the time of day. Take them one at a time. Don’t rush into the hello date. I recommend a phone call before meeting in person. So many of our senses are activated by the sound of their voice, and the words they use. Finally, don’t use dates with men as a meal ticket, drink ticket, or entertainment for the night.
For men, take it slow. Don’t rush in with your Bali proposal. Find a single thing about the woman’s profile that interests you, or sparks your inner smile. Discuss that idea with them in an open DM that shows 1. you read her profile, and 2. you connected with something more than her boobs. Brains are the real eroticism these days.
There are plenty of fit and fantastic-looking people using online dating. 99% of them will not give you the time of day. That’s okay. You only need ONE YES to change your life. And guess what, when Prince Charming fails, you can restart your search with better information. Learn about yourself. What do you want? What is a MUST HAVE? What is a deal killer?
My Deal Killers
- Alcohol is too much of a focus of your profile
- Travel is your aspirational goal
- Flags and guns and dead animals
- Happy hours or wine tastings are part of your introduction
- Working out is your religion
- Leading with abs or boobs
What does your list look like?
- Self-Care and Appreciation: Can I Love All of Myself Right Now?
- 3 Required Traits for Building a Lasting Relationship
- Emotional Intelligence Essentials for Long-Term Relationship Success
- Pausing in the Gap: Trying to Force An Answer Is Not the Way