Within there runs blood,
The same old blood! the same red-running blood!
There swells and jets a heart, there all passions, desires, reachings, aspirations…
— I Sing the Body Electric, Walt Whitman
I was walking around the lake with a male friend and we were comparing notes on sex and the energy it produces. Just the idea of sex, the opportunity of sex, is enough to quicken the heartbeat, inspire the discipline of exercise and eating right. And once the connection has been established, even with a woman who may not be a perfect match, there is an energy, a feeling of confidence, a glow that transforms every cell of our bodies.
Are women like this?
I don’t know. But I can tell you when I have been having regular sex I am a different person. I walk in the world with a different confidence and a different smile. I have a joy that radiates from within and is infinitely more attractive, as the sexually active and attractive male, to the women around me. So sex begets more sex. Or so the idea goes.
I recall the wonderful warmth I would get in my marriage when we made arrangements to have sex. It could be as simple as asking for a time after I delivered the kids to school, for us to “be together.” It was a magical agreement. And once in place, I would energetically pack the kids, make breakfast, and get them off to school. My then-wife could lounge around in bed or take a bath if that’s what she wanted to do… I was IN and on my way to “having sex.” Woohoo.
That thrill never ceased in my marriage. And even as my offers were turned down at an alarming rate I was still “into her.” I was still propositioning her and waiting for the moment, the chemistry, the chores, and bills to be paid, whatever… I was still desirous of my wife. She, however, was heading in some other direction. I can’t illuminate the cause of her ever-lowering libido, but I’m sure the stresses of life, mid-life, and figuring out what to do with her career were all weighing on her heavily.
So we moved on and after some varying efforts, divorced. And the world of sex opened up again like some fantasy. Unfortunately, the reality of dating after a divorce was more fantasy than reality, but the prospects of new sex, new women, new opportunities were enough to keep my optimism high even while my success rate was low. And I was really the main problem. I wasn’t really ready for a relationship or sex. I had no idea of what casual set meant, and I was wounded deeply by the crash landing of the divorce.
It took a long time and a lot of effort to get myself back into fighting shape, or courting shape, as it might be. And only recently have I unlocked any of the previous rules that might inhibit me from going for a tryst with a woman who I didn’t find 100% alluring. I am still most interested in a primary relationship that becomes exclusive the minute the bedroom is brought into the equation. But I am also interested in understanding what my drive towards permanent relationships is when both of mine have ended in failure. Am I willing to suspend monogamy for something else?
Clearly, I am still figuring it out. Life and dating post-divorce is an amazing process. And in several of the features of this life progression, I am less than 100% successful. But, my hopefulness keeps popping me back up to the surface, even after disasters and divorce terrors have pulled me or my financial life underwater. I keep surfacing. I keep heading back to shore and getting prepared to start again.
Start Again With Sex
That’s the real question. I know the power of sex and relationships on me and my self-esteem. And I know that the collapse of this marriage was one of the most trying moments of my life. And those trying moments keep rearing their heads over and over at the most inopportune time. It’s hard.
But what is my hurry? Am I really looking for Ms. Lovejoy? Am I more interested in playing the field than I might have been in my 20’s or 30’s?
I am certainly more interested in understanding the attraction I have to women of all shapes and forms. It’s more the joy I’m after when trying to find a fit with a woman. I have found several near misses, but the fit was off. It’s the happiness that comes from them that attracts me back towards them.
In my life, I have learned to deal with significant disappointments and still open up the next day with a “let’s go” attitude. My joy is not connected directly to the everyday ups and downs of life, work, love, divorce, parenting, health, and … relationships. I’d rather be alone than in a relationship with a destructive woman. I’d rather masturbate than wind up with someone who throws passive-aggressive barbs with every other text. And of course, it’s not just about the sex.
But there is something about the sex and the sex between two consenting adults that has a powerful effect on me. And while I am not dependent on that energy, it does provide some amazing opportunities for creative expression and growth.
There’s a downside to the sexual playground as well. There are people who are not ready to have any kind of romantic relationship. A lot of people actually. You can hear it when they talk about their ex or their struggles with parenting. You can tell it in the way they don’t touch back, or they don’t express spontaneous affection. Stress is a powerful turnoff. Why would anyone willingly get into a relationship with a stressed-out partner? No matter how amazing they are physically, if their mental state is depressed or fragile, it’s going to be a no-win relationship in my experience.
Sex as Joy
So I’m looking for joy. I’m asking for a happy response from the women I see. I’m listening when they talk about their lives and their exes and their kids, chores, work, love, and ambitions. And if they don’t have ambitions, if they can’t tell me what they are passionate about, well, that’s an issue for me.
I want you to be happy. I want to feel the electrical current connect with a buzz between us when we are together. I’d love to feel the flush of desire when we make arrangements to take off our clothes together.
But as the current is interrupted, I can walk away from bad connections. A connection might be more like a hookup, but that’s not what I’m looking for. That’s why the new dating apps, Tinder, and others, are not very interesting to me. They might offer a lot of potential electrical hookups, they are not sustainable. Someone looking for that kind of relationship is going to stay in that kind of relationship in the long run.
In the long run, I’m looking for someone who I can pour my current into. And this time, someone who can continue to feed some of the energy, enthusiasm, and joy back to me for recycling.
I sing the body connected
with the same red blood that awakes in the morning with a start
with the same red blood that cuddles and curls at night
and still longs for you…
— John McElhenney (read the full poem here: i sing the body connected)
*post written in August 2014
As a certified life coach, I’ve been helping men and women find fulfilling life after divorce. If you’d like to chat for 30-minutes about your dating/relationship challenges, I always give the first 30-session away for free. LEARN ABOUT COACHING WITH JOHN. There are no obligations to continue. But I get excited every time I talk to someone new. I can offer new perspectives and experiences from my post-divorce journey. Most of all, I can offer hope.
back to Dating After Divorce
- The Three Essential Elements of Love
- A Sprinter In Love, and How I Am Learning to Pace Myself
- Peaceful Easy Dating: Looking for a Joyful Woman
- Nothing Is As Exciting as New Love, Right?
image: i sing the body electric, martin pulaski, creative commons usage