Love Actually is a movie that triggers the hell out of me. It’s all fun and games until the actor who will be killed in Die Hard begins showing his cheating “love” to us. Sure we live in a fuck or get fucked culture these days, but there’s NOTHING CUTE about infidelity.
Divorce and Other Stuff
My divorce was not the result of a sexual infidelity, just emotional infidelity. Cheating is the more apt word for it. This Christmas I started watching my “least favorite Christmas movie” with my daughter and my girlfriend. And *fuck this* I said as the fuckery started. Sure, the first time is was intriguing to watch. The trainwreck of hearts was barreling directly at us. Thank goodness we’re with the people we love. No infidelity here. Right?
Right?
As I coach couples in relationships, divorces, and co-parenting plans, I am amazed how quickly we all rationalize the reasons for our fuck ups. “Well he did this, and at that point, I was sort of out.” and the ever-popular, “She never wanted to touch me. What was I supposed to do? Just turn off my sexual desire?” And one more to grow on, “I still have a lot of love to give.”
Sexual desire is one of our base instincts. Heck, sex is on Maslow’s hierarchy as an essential need. We all (wait, take that back, many of us) are driven by desire and pleasure. Sex is one of those pathways we can use to light up our drug of choice. Sure, I have a drug of choice. It’s sex.
Glad my wife didn’t have sex with another man, then. Am I right?
No. My then-wife’s exchanges of confidential and highly personal details of our sex life and our family life were OFF LIMITS. Her “lunches” with this young work colleague were secret lies I would’ve never found out about had I not been the IT department for the family computer. I was cleaning the spam from a Gmail account and I noticed a message about Thank You For Lunch.
Wait, what? My then-wife had started going to lunches with me while she was still LIVING WITH ANOTHER MAN. WTF? The second WTF was how I didn’t blow up and torch her when she told me about it. Asking for a bit of time to “figure it out between us” she said. Meaning her and the man she was living with, not me. Before me. So, that was in her favor. But the kisses and flirty texts and … I’ll stop. There are plenty of stories about my ex-wife and her predilections and self-deceptions.
So, I’m clearly triggered by infidelity (emotional or sexual). And I don’t want to watch it for entertainment either. A few nights ago I was reading in the bedroom when my girlfiend’s tv show in the other room was so loud and so full of “fuck yous” and yells, that I had to close the door and turn on the white noise machine. Why would she traumatize herself with this shit? Why does anyone watch those shows? I guess we like to lean into what hurts. Well, I don’t. Infidelity and “fuck you” are too close to my history for me to enjoy them as jokes.
What’s LOVING about Love Actually?
Cute actors and actresses. Funny scenes. And… cheating.
Click off. I’m out.
Namasté,
John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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