I’m in no position to date anyone at the moment. I keep thinking it would be fun. I’m signed into Bumble. Nothing doing.

New York City Women

There must be ten times the women in NYC than in my hometown. And as I walk around the streets here (in a wicked heat wave) I’m impressed by a lot of women. All different sizes and colors. Sure, I’ll admit, mostly younger, out of my age of consideration. But it never ceases to amaze me.

Today, in my coffee shop perch I said, “Jesus Christ” about ten times. I wasn’t meaning to take the lord’s name in vain. I was merely praising his fantastic work. I was down on the edge of the village, it was Saturday morning, and the fitness ladies were everywhere with their rolled-up yoga mats and their fancy tights, and brightly colored headphones. Gazelles. Like herds of beautiful gazelles. No harm, no foul in appreciating the beauty of nature right?

I’m not lonely. I’m content. Moving from the creative burst of my novel to a musical adventure that starts in two days in the woods of upstate New York. I’m in a liminal state. No partner. No aspirations. Just being aware and alive in New York City. That’s enough.

And surrounded by youth, confidence, beauty, and so many motivated people.

Today’s Motivation

There are a few stressful things in my life. Today, my goal: rest. Relax. Take my hand off the wheel and coast for a bit.

All this quiet and alone time has given me a calm center. I’m not responsible for my son’s behavior. I also have no control over it. I am hopeful that we have set him on a healthier path. But, that ultimately is up to him. My job is to be a supportive parent. And, more importantly, to let go. Let him do and learn from his actions, successes, and mistakes. Kind of like me.

Learning My Lessons

I’ve been wondering recently if my ONE partner is a realistic goal. It’s a lot of pressure on a partnership to begin mapping the rest of your life together. I think that’s what I want. Today, I’m open to questioning that premise. Let me explain.

My last relationship was lovely. I was well-loved. As securely attached as I’ve ever felt in my life. Also, it’s over. The connection, the security, the love, was not enough. It is not that anything was wrong. There was a mismatch, however, that I began to understand was not a gap I was going to be able to manage. If my partner had taken the hints and begun to change parts of her behavior, we’d have been more likely to evolve together. As it happened, I was the one evolving. I was growing and learning and finding joy in being alone again.

What if three years is a good distance for a relationship? What if my experience now is richer and more informed than it was before we met. She showed me what it feels like to be the center of the universe. I liked it. And, it wasn’t the answer. It wasn’t enough.

There were things that didn’t work right. As time passed, I tried different ways to adjust, nudge, and ask for what I wanted. Things didn’t really evolve. They changed a little. Things became less intense.

I was continuing to work on myself and my needs. I was continuing to come up against the same inequity of effort. After a while, it becomes fruitless to ask for the same modification and over. I needed her to grow. Heal. Expand.

It’s sad that perhaps, now that I have left, she’s doing some of the work. No one wants to do the work. No one goes the therapy to have fun. We seek therapists and counselors when things are hard, when something is out of whack. And if we connect with ourselves and what we need, we begin to shift. That’s the promise of therapy, coaching, and “the work.”

Dropping My Facade

I am not easy. I know this about myself. I am a bull in a china closet. When I have enough rest and internal confidence, I can be the aware bull in a china closet, and not wreck the place by making forceful moves.

I also understand that I need a lot of space. Writing requires alone time. For some people, that is going to be a deal killer. In the process of giving me space, providing me a loving audience for my writing and music, I was fulfilled in so many of my needs for a lover and a partner. But, there was one big thing that wasn’t changing. I was beginning to give up hope for the evolution. That’s when I realized, I was “waiting for my partner to change.”

That’s the end.

If that’s how I’m starting to feel about my partner, “I’ll never get what I need from this person,” I felt deeply, sadly, yet confidently that it was time to end the relationship. Ouch!

It is only by self-awareness (self-delusion perhaps) that I am not cracked up by the loss. It was growing since November and December when I took two vacations without my partner. The first was for me. I learned that I didn’t really want to be in Santa Fe by myself, snow skiing alone. The second was also to Santa Fe. I invited my daughter and my lover. My lover declined the invitation. She was already pulling back.

I have nothing but love and appreciation for my last partner. She gave me an amazing gift. I have learned what a secure attachment feels like and I will never settle for less. The broken things, also, I learned for myself, are non-negotiable. What wasn’t working in our partnership, was of vital importance to me.

As I pause to review my last fourteen years as a single dad I am not in a hurry to begin a new summit attempt with a new person. Sure, walking around New York I’m seeing amazing women. I am also enjoying my own company. Making solo decisions. Napping alone. Eating simple foods. Drinking sparkling water. Walking until my feet hurt. Now, at this moment, I’m going to pull out and tune my guitar.

• Adding Distance and Travel to Your Bumble Mix
• Booty, Boobs, and Booze: Online Dating Misfires
• joy + joy : become part of our joy+tribe
• Starting at Zero: Relationship Basics for the Newly Single
• Single Dad Explains Online Dating in 2024
• New Era Online Dating Exploration

You can find all of my books on AMAZON.