Let’s talk about narcissists and sex. It’s a bad combo. And, it comes in many different flavors.
I Am the Goal
Several years back, I met a woman who was more than ten years younger than me and we started a courtship. As soon as we got to kissing on the couch, however, she quickly propositioned, “Why don’t we take our clothes off in the bedroom?” I obliged. But what could’ve been fun and enlightening for both of us, perhaps, quickly devolved into an emotional breakdown.
“I’m sorry. There’s just no chemistry,” she said. I was in the process of going down on her, and she was panicking. “What are you talking about?” I asked. “I’m just not feeling it,” she said. “I’m so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“What?” I was beginning to find my own frustration. “I’m not being hurt. But I don’t think this has anything to do with chemistry.”
It didn’t. Turns out, she’d not been in a relationship of any kind for over a year, and her first boyfriend, post-divorce (with 2 kids), was an abusive rich adonis. “I just want to get off,” she said. And that was the story. She just wanted to get off. I wanted to make love. Big difference.
The part that was so amazing, her being a life coach and all, was her blindness to the issue she was having, and she *was* definitely having an issue. She kept apologizing. I was not going to coach her through this. I was not up for a “project” girlfriend.
My Way, Thanks
I have definitely found my own pace and rhythm in sex. And I would say that I’m into sex that has intention, time, and the energy/joy to allow both partners to find their connection. Sex without connection is more like porn and masturbation. I want connected sex.
Many partners, however, appear to be in a different mode. This younger women, described above, was just wanting to blow off some steam and get her rocks off. Later that evening, after she talked me into sleeping over, I tried again to make love to her. It was a pleasant experience for both of us. A mutual orgasm. Nice. But she was never able to climb out of her own way in the two future gatherings. The next time we were together, she pushed us into the bedroom again, and burst into tears the moment she had her clothes off. I wish I had captured the Spotify playlist, as it made for a cinematic experience that felt more like a Tarantino movie than a Wes Anderson movie. I wanted joy and connection. She wanted to get off, and quickly, before her emotions and feelings caught up to her.
So, again, she was used to a different way of approaching sex. She did not have any role models for lovemaking. But, once you’ve had it, conscious sex, you will be hard-pressed to go back to old wham-bam scripts. Quickies are cool, but only after the heart connection has been established and cherished. If it’s just sex, well, that’s okay too, but not what I’m looking for.
So, I too have developed a script about how I like sex to evolve. I want the time and *energy* to make love. And if the timing is off, I’d rather wait until the balance is better. I don’t want to make love drunk or tired. I want to be fully present in the moment. I want to lean into my partner’s pleasure. I can hold back and delay mine. So, if I get it right (again, my script, your process may vary) we orgasm together. BINGO. But the essential lesson in all of this, narcs aside, is that sex is the goal, the orgasm is dessert, but not the only or ultimate goal.
You Are the Issue
For the self-centered partner, it’s hard to imagine that their emotional baggage may be preventing them from really letting go during sex. And the issue is always the other person. This life coach never took responsibility for her own unhealed damage. Her “I wanna get off” sex was a command and not an invitation. And her freakouts from that first night on were more about her than our chemistry. Of course, in her mind, I was the issue. And not her failed marriage, year-long abusive relationship, and then abstinence. She knew what she thought she wanted, and she was certain she knew how to get it. The problem was, she wasn’t really very connected with her own process, her own healing, her own pain.
So, now she’s coaching women on taking charge of their relationships and lives. Oh well. Good luck with that.
Walking It Off
When you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist it’s important to refine and redefine your boundaries. It’s hard to stay engaged with someone who mainly thinks about themselves. Oh, sure, I’ve been accused of being a narc, but it has more to do with my writing and attention-seeking than my inability to be empathetic or compassionate for someone else.
Leaving the narc is a healthy choice. You are not going to be able to convince them to change. And, even if they wanted to change, chances are they’re pretty established in their patterns, both in life and in the bedroom.
Walk away. Find your own inner joy. And find someone who can tune into your energy and mood. Someone who wants to make love to you, and find ever better ways of connecting outside the bedroom, leading to better and better connections in the bedroom.
You Do You
It’s true, your inner dialogue is more essential to your orgasm and pleasure than we’d like to admit. But it IS mostly in your head. Once it’s time to go, each of us has our own process to achieve the big O. Sometimes it’s Earth-shattering, sometimes, it’s more like a sneeze. But, here’s the big ah-ha moment: it’s about making conscious contact with each other. This happens all the time, with and without our clothes on.
Get your love and your friendship right and sex will follow along nicely. Start with sex, and you’ve got a lot of the “friendship” part to work out.
You need to understand what makes your own libido tick. You also need to find ways to remain connected to your partner, while finding your pleasure. It’s a ballet in the bedroom. Finding the right partner, with the right style and chemistry is an art.
More from The Whole Parent:
- When Things Go Right, I Mean Really Right: Dating a Single Dad
- What if the Love Is Bigger Than Your Pain? Healing w/in a Big Love
- This Feels Like Letting Go: A Moody February with Storms and Sunshine
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