It's amazing to be away from your lover and feel the feelings of longing and pain. Remembering what it was like when we were not in a relationship. I crave being in a relationship. And today, I am lucky. I am loved and in a loving relationship.
For me, depression is a lot about getting afraid and then continuing to listen to the fear more than the present. I've used some mantras during my walks that have seemed to push me up the hills with more energy and joy. "Further, Stronger, Healthier, and Happier."
One of the most pivotal moments in recovery is admitting to yourself that depression is a problem. For me, isolation is pretty deep on the list of symptoms. By the time I'm isolating and fucking up at work, the other mechanics of depression are in full bloom.
I guess you have to be on the brink of suicide to really understand it. The hope is that you will find a reason to step back from the edge. The tragedy is when people, successful and seemingly happy people, don't step back.
We're all on this journey alone. No matter how many loving family members or supportive friends are around us, it is our decision that keeps us walking past the open window.
I wrote goodbye letters to my former fiancé. I dug into my feelings and sat there, not really sure what actions to take. So I stayed still. I sat with the feelings. I prayed and meditated. I ate three meals a day and walked in the brutal Texas heat. And I kept going.
I have suffered from depressions since I was 15 when I had my first collapse at a prep school (Phillips Exeter Academy) in New Hampshire. I didn’t know what was happening to me.
My non-depression (or normal) me is a bit more energetic and creative than most people. I get high, yes, but its natural energy (maybe some coffee) and it's what I consider the real me. The undepressed me. Still, you might think I was high if you met me.