If I am alone every option is open to me. If I learn to thrive alone, I can bring partners in and out of my life with ease and lack of drama. What of the incoming messages? All are welcome. My soul delights in the ideas that race through my mind and body each day.
Alone.
When I did the math recently on my 14 years of being a single dad, I guessed that I’ve spent 2/3 of that time in relationships. So much has changed in my life over the last five years. The person I was went I met my last girlfriend would not recognize the current me. I evolved. I moved. I grew. I studied and wrote and asked questions.
The cold truth is at some point I understood that my partner was not keeping up with me. I kept reaching a hand back to lift her up. She kept doing her own thing and disregarding my messages and requests. When you are waiting for the other person to change, it’s time to change yourself.
I am no longer waiting for anyone to change. I don’t need to ask anyone where they want to eat or what we should watch tonight. I also don’t have a hand to hold during those movies. I have no cuddle partner for nights or naps. And, obviously, the only love I’m getting is self-love.
All good. These periods of reset are often high-growth moments for me. I have been given back my weekend nights, my weekend plans, and my need to consider someone else’s calendar. I have only myself to blame if I’m lazy if I don’t get my work done. If I focus on the wrong thing, forget about earning a living, and wind up in debt again, it’s my fault. I can’t point at anyone else. I am doing this. I opted for this.
I Am Letting You Go
It’s never easy to let go of connections with lovers. It’s painful. The broken dream we had been weaving together, now has been blown to the wind. The loss of a good friend is not easy. I have learned, in my 14 years that when you break up a period of NC (no contact) is advised. It’s too easy to slip back into conversation, into chore swapping, or doing a favor. No. All contact for me is emotionally charged. I don’t want to be alone, but I need to be alone rather than stick it out in a relationship that was not meeting my needs.
Severing ties requires me to no send a text two or three times a day. I want to help her, but I know I cannot be her confidant or coach. On the day she actually realized I had broken up with her, I said, “And I’m sorry, but I am not the one to help you through this.”
She wants answers. She feels cheated. “I don’t deserve this,” she texted.
She’s right. I don’t deserve this either. I wanted more. I decided for me that it was better to move on (despite all that was amazing in our relationship) and risk being alone again. That’s my angle.
Today, I learned what it means to be lonely again. To want to share something with close friends and realize I have one less confidant. I don’t have that other person to accept my plans. No one to read my writing to. No one is waiting for me to arrive to start their weekend. It’s a bit more quiet. There’s no alcohol. Much less television watching. I’m starting to remember liking my alone time, making it hyper-productive time, hyper-me growth.
Let’s see how this goes.
I can have many women friends and not seek “relationships” with any of them. (I need to repeat that a lot over the next few weeks.) NO DATING IN SEPTEMBER. I was tempted to look around on Match.com, but NO. What’s the point? It’s bullshit anyway.
John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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- Back to Single as a Relationship Status
- I’m Out: Online Dating is Self-Harm At This Point
- Booty, Boobs, and Booze: Online Dating Misfires
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