Relationships are not like social media. A pretty face, a right swipe, off to the races. If you’ve spent any time on “the apps” you’re going to discover a world of fake profiles, unavailable people using them as entertainment but not to find a partner, and people like me: diligent, intentional, and active. I’m a turn off too, I understand that. Too much, too fast. I even do it to my friends accidentally. But I’m learning.

The Left Swipe

For reasons that should be apparent, 80% of the profiles are going to be an EASY NO. Then you have the WELL… and you can go dig into their profiles, but mostly these are NO. Then you have the amazingly hot profiles. NO. And the “just right” profiles, are going to be at about 5% at best. My experience today on Match.com was more like 2%. I think my LEFT SWIPE was getting even more enthusiastic as time went on. It’s known that the apps show you the most attractive profiles in the first 10. Then you get everyone else.

As I LEFT my way down the list, I’m curious what the BAD PROFILES are doing. Did someone trick them into uploading the unhappy face? Or do FAKE frowning profiles generate traffic? Perhaps it’s an acquired taste. Duck face? No. Gym pics? No. Exotic travel shots: Nope. Private jets and Buggattis? No. Sunglasses in most shots? What are they hiding? No. Drinks in most shots? Nope. I am not interested in courting and competing with any addictions. Unless they involve outdoor activities or ice cream.

I’m bored. 20 to 1 ratio. My finger feels traumatized. But I get it. I’m one in a million. My partner is going to be hard to find in the haystack. And, the woman I’m after has probably never had to open a dating app in her life. Thems the breaks. Still, they do provide some entertainment, at first. Then I noticed the SCARCITY of women in my age bracket and fitness/activity bracket. It gets more sparse as you age, I understand. But Botox, new eyebrows, and dazzlingly white teeth can’t make up for a long life of debauchery. You can see it in the movie stars who are no longer in the spotlight. The rock band reunions, and the lead singer is fat. Oh no. That’s just life. Fit or fat. It’s a choice. For me, it’s been a struggle. Hard work. Discipline.

The Right Swipe

Maybe maybe maybe. Often I don’t look too deeply at the profiles of the immediate YES responses. Just swipe right when you can. IF they respond (about %2) we can sort through the details. “Oh, you live in Denver, but you’re here visiting?” NOPE.

In the last two months, without a lot of boosting or aggressive swiping, I’ve had a total of 3 hello dates and 1 hello FaceTime call. One date made it to date number two, but that’s only because she withheld some important information: she wasn’t divorced yet. NOPE.

So, right right right and pray.

No, that’s not it exactly. How about this? Right right, pause. Now, get out in the real world and be active. Active doing what you love. Look around. Notice the other participants. Be curious. Flirtatious. Alive. Show your colors by showing up at what you love to do. That’s probably where you want to spend time with your partner, perhaps they are already there.

On a Saturday afternoon, where do you want to be on your next date? Okay, go there alone. See who else enjoys the same activities. Long distance bike rides? There’s a group for that. Tennis? That’s easy. Meetup groups are okay, but I haven’t had a lot of luck finding engaged communities on Meetup except for the BOOMER PROUD groups.

Let’s Get Agists for a Minute

Most people my age, high school friends, look a lot older. I’m not sure what happened. I do know that I’ve been into fitness and healthy lifestyles for most of my adult life. I don’t drink much. I love and protect my sleep. And I get exercise almost every day. What about you?

I tried setting my age wrong. BAD IDEA. Now, I just set it and forget it. My last three long-term relationships have been with someone 8, 10, and 2 years younger than me. All of them were wonderful until they fell short of expectations. There’s too, perhaps.

I’m attracted to women of all ages. More like Helen Mirren than Nicole Kidman, but that’s easy to see. If you’re into fake eyelashes, fake puffy cheeks and lips, it’s fine. It’s just not for me. Live and let live. If you’re overweight by a lot, and you start your profile with down-the-shirt shots of your boobs, I get it, you’re selling, but the advertisement is focused on the wrong thing.

JOY Is the Key

I’ve been building a concept about joy. Inner joy is the mindset that allows someone to bounce over the hard stuff, rebound back into their own inner peace, and move on. I like people who can express joy. I am a joy fountain. I am looking for someone else who’s comfortable in their own skin, regardless of weight, fitness, and age. Let’s see JOY.

What are the key things you look at in a dating profile? How is your profile? Are you being honest?

If we begin to think of relationships as disposable we’re in trouble. If the allure of a “new partner” is enough to breakup with your current partner, well, we need to look at strengthening our relationship game, not our dating game.

Offline Dating

The problem with online dating, all apps, is they don’t make money if they hook you up right away. They need you to pay for boosts, and pay for additional exposure to potential partners. It’s all about the subscription and the boosts. That’s not how it should be, but they have a lucrative business giving us the illusion of all these available partners. 20% of them are bots created to entice you and get you to continue to subscribe. One MEETYOURAGE is all bots.

I believe online dating is like training wheels. After a breakup, you need some hope that there are other people looking for a relationship. And you need to focus on what YOU love and what YOU want. As an exercise, online dating, provides a lot of information. Then, the real ninja move is to improve your own badassness. Show up in the real world at activities you’re likely to do with a partner and be present.

As we get more confident in our own personalities, levels of fitness, age, we begin to discover what things work for us. I learn something new and vital each time I’m in a long-term relationship. I still miss several of the amazing women. But, I wouldn’t go back and date them again.

Open up your eyes. Radiate your own happiness and confidence. See who you run into out in the world. Swipe later.

Always Love,

John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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Naw, Match, that’s okay. I’m patient. Let’s see who likes me, though. Oh, I have to pay for that too. Nevermind.