I am learning better how to tap into the power of feelings and how they can motivate me towards doing better, being better. But I'm also too aware of how my feelings can lead me down dark and lonely paths. I am constantly trying to find the balanced walk down the middle.
Returning to my life today, there are so many moving parts, so many hyper-good moving parts, that my entire body, soul, mind, is a bit out of balance. I've been taking aggressive action to reestablish my calm center. But I've been pouring gasoline on the flames even as I'm trying to breathe and "take it easy."
I must be seeking the spotlight. In many ways this blogging thing, even blogging about sensitive and personal things, has become a natural expression of my life. Should I stop writing about dating because I am not dating? Will I be disappointed when the world does not embrace my new band and album of material? Am I seeking fame just to see if I can fill up some empty part of myself?
If you are going to love deeply, you become more susceptible to fear. The more we come to depend on the reciprocal affection of another person the more put ourselves at risk of a painful loss should the relationship not work out. Even in our everyday relationships, caring deeply about someone comes with risks.
I tend to think that our consistent and authentic actions create our future reality. I also KNOW that my thoughts, words, and moods, form the energy or lack of energy I have for striving and working towards my goals.
When you find a together partner, a "together no matter what" partner, a "together here at the end of the world as we know it" partner... Well, that's when you know you've found your home.
The last two relationships, as painful as the endings were, and as devastating as the loneliness was as I confronted being alone again, both taught me valuable lessons. And this is not a silver lining strategy or rationalization.
I like to drive fast. This is a constant opportunity to tap into the irritating nature of the present moment. As I want to go fast (both in the car and in my life) I am always pushing up against the slower cars of the rapidly growing population of our fair city.