DATING: A Red Flag is a Warning Not a Challenge

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I’m four months into my austerity, with 1.45 months to go until my project 2025 gets underway. In the interim, I’ve discovered a few new truths about dating as a middle-aged adult. Let’s dive in.

Red Flag: “Wine is the quickest way to my heart.”

“Um, yeah…” Pass. Seems like a lot of middle-aged women (probably men too, but this isn’t about us) lean into the escape of alcohol as part of a wellness or stress-relief program that is not healthy nor sustainable. Sure, we’re all stressed about something, but running from yourself with your two-martini post-work kickoff is a terrible coping mechanism. When the woman said this last week I was a bit sad. That’s what she’s enthusiastic about? Wine?

Red Flag: Excuses upon excuses.

Her “anxiety” was given as the reason. “Anxiety about what?” I let the election pass, imagining it was part of why she was under high-stress. I checked in today.

And we never texted or spoke again. Odd, lovely, conflicted woman. Might have been into a feisty glass of wine herself. The brush off so complete. Wiping out weeks of friendly chats, encouragements from her side, a FaceTime video or two. And then “warm regards.”

Red Flag: Their Kid Is Their Primary Relationship

Kids are great, I have two of them. I cross single moms all the time who are overwhelming themselves with their engagement and management of their own children. Even when these children are in their twenties. Sure, I get it, I have a 24-year-old who is struggling, but… Something is different for moms, I do understand that. In the face of so many destructive divorces I see how most moms do the lion’s share of the parenting. Perhaps that was an issue causing the divorce.

But, you need to let your kid be a kid. You need to stop babying them. If they haven’t launched yet, it’s okay to support and cook for them, but understand your management of their personal lives is hampering your personal life.

In one long-term relationship with a single (solo) mom I was constantly surprised with the conflicted and obsessive relationship she had with her kid. As close as she and I became, she never added me to the team. I was always on the bench waiting to be called. “We’re going to yadda yadda this Saturday, you’re welcome to join us.” I was never a consideration for making the plans, that was between her and her kid. This is two years into our relationship, while we were living together. I fear for her kid. She will be devastated when he becomes a teenager and not her angel waiting to be tucked in every single night.

Red Flag: Lack of Cultivated Interests

I’m a busy bee. I have projects and ideas I am trying to capture all the time. In a relationship with me, I’m going to need some solo-time. That should be expected. If my creative time is a threat to you, that’s a problem. If you’re just bored and lonely when I’m not providing the carnival of entertainment, that too is a problem.

What else are you doing? What excites you? What do you do on the weekends when you’re single? What’s your favorite song today? What do you do for fun?

If the answers are drink, shop, or watch reality TV we’re going to be a miss. Often, I can identify this issue early on, before the relationship develops. When it happened to emerge in a long-term relationship that was going well, I was sad. I tried encouragement. I offered books. I could see the sadness she was stuffing down. I mused about my therapist. Nothing changed. The book was dog-eared on page 10. The therapy appointment was “for you.” She had a different mindset. I want growth, change, and evolution upward. She wants to be entertained on nights and weekends. That’s not going to work out for me a lot of the time. And if you resent my creative projects… End of story.

Asking For More

Should you settle for a few red flags? Are my romantic expectations too high?

I am confident that I am still becoming the best version of me I can become. My creative process is strong and I’m inspired. I want to be inspired by a woman, by my love, by a relationship. In the quiet time, between partners, I also want to be curious about my own soul’s yearning.

What do I really want? What’s most important? Do I need an athlete who will understand my fitness and ongoing training? Do I need another writer or musician or painter?

What I need is a woman with cultivated interests that are not her job, her kids, or her weekend entertainment. I need a partner who is fully-empowered. Solid. Evolving and growing into an even more passionate person.

The Passion of Yes

Can you say yes? Are you willing to love fully and leave nothing on the table?

I’ve just completed a three-year cycle with a lovely woman. She showed me what a securely attached relationship felt like. I won’t ever go back to the woman who couldn’t add me to her planning phases. I want to feel like part of the team, not just a “nice to have.”

I also want you, her, to be seeking joy, producing joy, thriving within the joy that I know love makes possible. I was 100% joyous in my last relationship. There were a few hitches. I was willing to work together on them. I worked. She did not. And when she got frustrated repeatedly about the same subject, the one she’s not “working on,” it was obvious it was time to leave. Evolve with me or don’t, both are a choice.

When you’re ready for transformative love, it appears. I am in the rebuilding, recentering, re-energizing phase. I’m as fit and healthy as I’ve ever been. We can’t build our lives on addictions, so let’s look at them together. I might be addicted to touch. You might love wine. If we’re going to find our path together we’re going to need to revisit our plans, open our minds and hearts. If there’s a mismatch, we have to be willing to evolve or let go.

Don’t give up. Also, don’t court your red-flag-bearers when they arrive looking hot and interested. Pass.

Always Love,

John McElhenney – life coach austin texas

New Dating Strategy:

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