If I am secure in my relationship. If I know my heart and my past. If I’ve never cheated. Is it okay for me to have lunch with a casual new friend? Do I tell my girlfriend? What are the boundaries?

A Conversation or a Date?

I guess I need to talk about this. As I am a social media person, and I happen to write about dating and sex. AND… my primary demographic is single women between the ages of 40 and 60. I need to self-regulate my amorous mind. Can I have lunch with a woman and not want to cheat on my girlfriend? Do I need to tell my girlfriend I am having lunch with a woman I’ve only met through Facebook? I mean, she’s my girlfriend, right? We’re exclusive, of course, but we’re not married. AND… I’m not cheating.

But there’s a catch, isn’t there?

Am I trolling for something better? Am I after the intoxicating relationship again? Does the other woman, the possibility of the other woman offer me a high? SRSLY? I thought we already went through this. I am not looking to date high. I want to date sober. I want to be balanced and mindful in my current relationship. I don’t need to be doing crack.

Open to Possibilities

Accepting a lunch with a new friend doesn’t mean I’m looking. It doesn’t mean I’m interested in more than just lunch. Even when the other party is showing signs of giddiness, it doesn’t me I’m going to start cheating. Am I considering cheating? What if it was Emily Blunt and John K. had just left her? Would I cheat with my star crush?

No. No, I would not.

And still… There is a thrill when a woman pursues. It’s not my normal orientation. I’m happy with it. I’m excited by it. I’m open to the lunch and the flirting… Wait! Right there. I can tell this offer is more like a drug deal than a potential coaching client, for example. I can feel it. More than lunch, I’m looking for the thrill. I’m not looking to cheat, but what about some good old red-blooded sexual chemistry?

What’s in it for me?

Excitement. A bit of a headrush when she pushes the flirt one step deeper. A charge to my masculine potency. And a deep cut against my lasting and cherished relationship. There must be something missing from my examination, here. There must be some other reason.

What If I Did Cheat?

I recall a lunch with a dear female friend. We were not lovers, but we flirted for a few months with being snuggle buddies for a movie or two back in my single years. We were eating together and catching up after six months. She was telling me about this man who she was crazy about. She was about to meet him in Mexico for an extended weekend.

“He’s married.”

Gulp. Warning lights light up all over my body and brain. “Okay. Um… All right. No judgment here. I can sort of understand that.”

I didn’t understand it. I wanted to curse. I wanted to dress her down. “What the fk are you doing? You are playing with his marriage, his kids’ livelihoods, and your own heart. What’s the point of dating a married man? Sex? Romance? Forbidden pleasures? Sneaking around? NO. NO FKNG NO.

The Intoxication of Desire

Yes, we’re all about liberating our desire these days. We’re working to go from a sex-negative world to a sex-positive world. I’ve interviewed a number of sex coaches. Sexual liberators. Sexually charged and empowered women. And damn if they are not intoxicating. The power of a woman who is standing in her sexual power and owning her desire and her right to get what she wants! Just, wow.

And, two romantic potentials over the last five years, have lit every libidinous synapse in my body. I still recall their kisses. “Oh damn,” I remember with both of them. “I’m fucked.” And that’s exactly what I was: fucked.

If I’m high just from being near you, something is going on that’s more like a trigger and a PTSD response. I don’t want to feel stoned the minute I see you. I’m liable to miss some wicked flaws while I’m staring into your eyes and feeling the spiraling pull of your entire body. It’s as if you are inviting me to love you, make love to you, just by looking at me. And kissing me is a way to reel me in, take control, and land me like the trout that I’ve become.

I don’t want to be your trout or your boy toy. I don’t aspire to be an FWB or a fk buddy. And, if I’ve ever had problems with addiction (other than ice cream) this is as close as it comes. I’m addicted to the high. Maybe we all are. Maybe the several generations behind us are less likely to pair up because they’d have to give up hooking up. I don’t know. But I know when my dick gets excited my mental acuity is cut in half. There’s a name for it. Not sexual addiction. Something else. Maybe women get this was as well. Maybe this FB friend is hot for me in some casual sex-is-good approach to life.

Life Is Good

Why would I fk up my relationship for a fk? Not going to happen. Why would I ever want to do cocaine again? It sounds like a good idea. My pavlovian response happens just imagining it. Like cocaine, these relationships were full of fuel and fire. Both of them also lacked heart. It wasn’t that either of these women was naive. They were both smart, funny, and sexy beasts. And they had some broken parts inside that crushed the “relationship” idea as soon as the intoxication began to wear off.

You can’t stay in bed having sex for more than a few weeks. After that, you’re going to have to figure out if this is a fling, a growing concern, or LTR material. Both women, early on, showed signs of NOPE. Not for me. The first woman lasted six months and a trip to Mexico before she flipped and pulled completely out of my life while mentioning submitting a background check for a gun at Walmart. To use on herself. OMG! *END OF RELATIONSHIP*

“Look, I can’t deal with this right now, my brother is dying. But I can help you get support. This is too big for our relationship. I can pay for you to see someone for a few months.”

I was done with the relationship, but I did still care for her. Six months later she circled back placing a suggestive photo and caption in my Facebook chat. NOPE. And double NOPE.

And yet…

I Still Remember That Feeling

We all remember our first high. Maybe we remember our first love, our first kiss, our first orgasm. I remember when I was given some cocaine from a customer at a bar that I was tending. *Sniff* Orgasm city. *Sniff* Altered reality.

And the initial sex-positive relationship… Damn, let’s just say neither of us could walk very well during those first few weeks. Yes, I said WEEKS. How can you not want to find that FIRE again?

I don’t want to be in a high relationship. I might want to kiss one or both of these sexual sisters again, but I won’t. The emotional cost of being close to someone who is disconnected from their soul is too painful. Leaving is hard. Addiction to great sex is hard. And this truth: great sex is not a reason to stay in a bad relationship. PERIOD. NEVER.

Back to “It’s Just Lunch”

If I stay in my own lane is it appropriate for me to have lunch ONCE with a woman who is interested in me? Am I being unfaithful to a six-month partnership by even accepting the invitation? And what about the next day, when the invitations continue? Am I able to be friends when the other person is flirting and flirting hard?

It’s hard. (Pun intended.) When our little brain gets into gear. Calming down my sexual fire is not as easy as cutting out sugar or alcohol, for me. I did a dry January (both substances) without breaking stride. I just don’t drink unless it’s to be WITH someone who’s drinking. The 12-pack I moved from my apartment to my new house (six months ago) is still in the fridge. The extra fridge, the one in the garage.

What are my options:

1. Keep going as if…
2. Stop the flirt and potential fling now
3. String it out, keep it secret, play with the fire
4. Go cold turkey – just me and my girlfriend against the world

It is easy to see the right answer in the light of the morning. The temptations and the temptress are not yet awake or engaged. There is nothing sacred about a cocaine high or a sexual high. They are both altered states that have consequences. I don’t really want to go there, but the brochure looks nice. I can imagine trolling SLAA meetings for potential ravenous partners. Nope. Not my future. Not a healthy choice.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, my friend. I need to make something clear…”

Namasté,

John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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