YES or NO: The Life Lesson of the 12-Steps

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This is not AA-approved literature. I am merely a long-time member of the nearby room of Al-Anon. The lessons are the same, the struggle is focused on different aspects of life. Let’s see how the 12 steps and specifically the Serenity Prayer provide a powerful life lesson. A lesson we all need to work on.

YES: what I can change

my actions
my words
my relationships with others
my relationship with myself
my relationship with a higher power

NO: what I cannot change

historical events – the past
the actions of others – wanting someone to change
managing the experience for others
unsolicited advice is rarely helpful
predicting future events or consequences

That’s pretty simple, right? It’s the last part of the serenity prayer that does the heavy lifting, however.

WISDOM: to know the difference.

We can use the YES or NO question to help guide our efforts. If it’s a YES I have things I can work on, projects I can put into motion, ambitions I can strive for. If it’s a NO we have to learn to let go. Let go of control of the other people in our life. Let go of our unmet expectations of others. We learn to move along. We learn to focus on what we have agency over: my own actions and words. That’s it.

Courage To Change

In many cases, the changes can be painful. Leaving a relationship that’s not working out. It’s hard. We don’t want to hurt the other person. However, we also know, we are not getting our needs met in this relationship. We can ask. We can push back a bit on what doesn’t feel right. And we have to let go. The other person is only going to make adjustments that they want to make. They are going to ignore or deny our requests when they don’t agree or don’t see the advantage of the request.

So, moving out of a solid but flawed relationship is courageous. We’re prepared to be alone again. It’s not what we want. But, we also understand that compromising our needs is a sure path to failure. Eventually, the disconnect is going to become a fracture. It takes courage to move along before you can see the way forward, see what’s next, see a better future. But we must move along anyway. We have to trust.

Trust the process. Trust some higher power. Trust ourselves.

If we are not honest with ourselves (“this is fine”) we get out of integrity with our goals, our souls, and our happiness. One of the most powerful revelations of learning to take accountability for all of your actions, including inactions, is that we gain confidence that our inner compass is working. The more we aim for the YES the more positive effect we have on our lives and the lives around us.

I cannot make people around me behave. If I KNEW 100% what was right for them, I still need to keep my advice to myself. Unsolicited advice is always criticism. Let’s learn to stay in our own lane. Even if we think we know the answer, we probably don’t. We can’t be inside another person’s experience. We can’t guide their lives or their path to recovery either.

In Love With Another

Love is one of those messy human conditions. When we are in love with someone we begin to assume or imagine that we know what they want and need. The best path forward is to ask. “What do you need right now?” Or, “How can I support you right now?”

Then we’ve got to be quiet. Wait for the person to catch up. Give them the respect to be quiet. Give them the time they need to respond. In some cases, they cannot respond, they are lost, they don’t know. Certainly, you can understand at this point, that you cannot possibly know what it is they need. Or what they need to do. You only have your higher power and your YES to worry about.

I learned about Adult Children of Alcoholics when I was 16. I met my first wife in an ACOA meeting. (Not advised, btw.) And, while I’ve not struggled with substance addictions, I do have addictive behaviors. I learned them. I am in the same daily fight as you are: what am I going to do today that will help me get what I want out of life?

We’re all asking that same question. Some are listening for the answer. Some blame circumstances, tragic events, or bad family lives for our struggle. Guess what? All those things might have brought you to this place. You alone, however, have the power to change your path. It’s not easy. Often we talk about the courage to make the changes. Changes we need to make can be hard. Letting someone you love go. Watching a family member struggling. I want to give them the answer. I don’t know the answer. I don’t know THEIR answer. I know I can only work on my own program, my own issues, my own relationship with them.

Letting Go

I wanted my last relationship to be THE ONE. I have a fantasy about a lifetime partner. At some point, several months ago, I understood that I was “waiting for her to change.” That was never going to work out. I had given her a book or two. I had asked for changes. I had negotiated some little victories. The bigger motions were not happening.

I had to let go. I am still letting go. I am dealing with my own loneliness and sadness again. I am okay. She will be okay. We both have our own agency.

I also had to learn that I could not be there for her during her breakup. That’s not how it works. I want to reach out and comfort her. Of course I do. She was my best friend for nearly three years. But, I cannot help her move on. I’ve got all I can do to refocus on my process of recovery. I still love her. I pray for her to find comfort and serenity of her own. Mine is all I can work on.

Today, I let go of all I cannot change.
Today, I focus on what I am building in my life.
Today, I align with myself and my own heart.
What do I need today?

Where am I going? Where do I need to put in some work? Let’s focus on that.

John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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