Letting My Lover Catch Up: It’s Over

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Okay, I get it. She doesn’t read me. That’s okay. In fact, maybe it’s better. But, it was jarring a few days ago when my ex-girlfriend arrived at my house. She hadn’t been following my journey out and away. She wasn’t caught up with me. I was already evolving my own story. I was already at, “I’m going to be single for a while. I don’t want a partner right now.”

Dating A Writer

They are going to make you mad and perhaps some form of immortal. My ex-wife knows the taste of honest writing. I guess, all of my ex-girlfriends do as well. Most of them (one massive exception) are still friends. I did not lie. “You captured the moment quite authentically,” one previous partner said, revisiting my writing post-breakup. “It made me look like a total crazy sex lady, but, you didn’t get anything wrong.”

What do I expect from my partner? Do I hope they will read my poetry? Not really. Do I want their eyes to light up when I sing them a new song? Yes, but… There’s a limit to how much we can expect from our primary relationship. That’s not new information. What I learned recently, is most of the relationship parts can be working well, yet if there’s one that’s severely limited, the partnership is not going to survive if both people don’t evolve.

Relationships are feedback loops. Either you loop with someone, or you don’t. If you haven’t learned how to be honest and frank with your opinions and needs, you’re going to have a hard time staying in an authentic relationship. If you’re antennae are damaged from previous relationships there is a good chance you are not picking up on all the signals you should be. In my case, I’d been broadcasting the emergency signals since just after Christmas, when my then-girlfriend opted out of a ski trip to Santa Fe with me and my 21-year-old daughter. She would later express regret for the decision. The fact was, somewhere, she was already pulling back from me. I don’t know if she was feeling the tension, or if she was leaning into her survival mode and planning for my departure. I only know that she made a decision to spend a good portion of her holiday break at home alone.

Again, I’m not trying to out my ex-girlfriend here, but I am trying to understand what someone who dates me is getting into. Did I hide my disappointment at her decision? No. Did I have a great time with my daughter? Yes. Was I a bit distant while I was enjoying my time in New Mexico? Yes, and the mountain famously has very poor wifi. No texting from the 9 am lift line to the 3 pm ride back down the mountain. So, there was good reason for my reticence.

My daughter and I had a great time hanging out. We watched a couple of movies at night. And we skied for two full days. We skied so hard the 2nd day, that neither of us could move the following morning. I was drinking my coffee at 6 am and I decided to let my daughter sleep in. Two days on the mountain was going to be enough. Besides hell was still breaking loose back home with my unruly son.

I Can’t Not Write About It

I can try and be nice. I will keep your name and photos out of print. But I won’t be silent when my world is coming apart or my love life is twisting into loss rather than gain.

I’m going to write.

I learned with a previous lover that it’s best to NOT share the writing too soon with my partner. And if I do share it, to counsel them not to share it with all their friends. There was a case when a neighbor and friend of hers took offense to one of my posts. Sure, it was about my current lover, but it was only “known” to my close inner circle. If you knew both of us you might know we were dating. But if you were reading my blog cold there would not be any details you could isolate to indicate the identity of my partner. I am not anonymous. My partners should be anonymous. My social media should not include relationship details.

But I’m going to write about what’s going on in my life. I’m probably going to pull some of the stories together into a book, at some point. In that way, our love will last forever. I wrote a lovely series of love poems in New York City with my alcoholic fiancé early in our partnership. They are still lovely poems about falling for a new muse. She may no longer derive joy from being the subject of romantic poetry, but the poems will go on without her.

So, is it worth it? Would you date Brené Brown if she were available? Or a celebrity? Are you okay with appearing in stories and poems, maybe even a love song or two? I will do my best not to shame or diminish you. I hope that I have done this with my ex-wife, even as I have chronicled her malfunctions as a co-parent. But, her feelings on the subject, from the beginning, were of little consequence to me. She forbid me from writing about her or either of our kids in a terse letter.

Sorry, divorces happen. And just because you have changed your last name, doesn’t mean you get to fully escape accountability for your poor judgment and misguided parenting. So, to my ex-wife, I salute you and your husband, who recently passed our tenure of 10 years. Good for you. I am not seeking retribution or an apology. I might have asked for one 10 years ago, but today, you are more mythology than fact in my story. I no longer interact with you and your husband. I am still suffering the consequences of your actions against me, yet, I am also content with where I am as a father.

And today, I’m alone. I’m sorry for the lovely woman who gave herself fully to our partnership. I cannot make up the gap in emotional intelligence between myself and my partner. I will not play the “coach” role in my primary relationship. I want my partner to show up fully-formed, fully-empowered, and fully willing to learn new dance steps together.

Love is a dance. One partner at a time can lead and the other must follow. When either partner begins pulling back, not committing fully (for whatever reason) the samba becomes moshpit and fractures will occur. I bless my lover with all I have. She gave me everything, tried her best, and we will now move into different orbits.

I’m heading out, no longer putting my hand up in invitation to dance. I’m not needing a partner at the moment. I’m killing my investigation into the dating apps of 2024 with a firm NO on my lips. And blessings on all of us trying to love fully, live fully, and be the best people we can be.

John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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