I’m Out: Online Dating is Self-Harm At This Point

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Well, my survey of the online dating market in 2024 is complete, and I’m resigned to pulling down all profiles and staying single for the foreseeable future. As the meme goes, “Come fkn get me.” Except I’m in less of a hurry than ever, yet I’m older than I’ve ever been.

Starting Again and Again

What if I’m not meant to find my forever woman? What if the best I can do (in this lifetime) is about three years? Okay, let me check that idea out. Well, not really, I’d rather not do that exercise again. But, I do know this, there is no new relationship without some dating. That’s how it works. And while, two different relationships started via Facebook friends, most of my journey has been split between real world “hellos” and online dating apps.

As I’m rebooting, I took the opportunity to register on the known suspects again.

Tinder – Scammy, spammy, and full of really odd-looking profiles.
Match.com – the big kahuna of dating sites, I couldn’t get past their 2-factor authentication, so no go for me.
OkCupid – used to be cool and edgy, now contacted by people in the Phillipines looking for a sugar daddy.
Bumble – not great, but the best we’ve got (still a different vibe completely from three years ago).
Facebook Dating (mobile FB app only) Don’t waste any time on the “dating” FB side.

Taking A Closer Look at The Online Dating Problem

Here is a summary of my problems with online dating. I have two books about it, but I’m working on a third one that reflects this more recent experience.

Low effort, low risk, low value
Fake profiles trying to promote paid features or onlyfans sites
Massage therapists looking for paying customers (hmm? she’s so young and hot)
Unbelievable women (4 kids, runs a non-profit, is writing a book, does life-coaching for teen girls)
Unavailable women (will rarely commit to an in-person meeting, just browsing)
Near misses go from text-friendly to ghosting in one misunderstanding
So many women, so few potential matches
Are you even trying? (Your friends made your profile for you while you were drunk, right?)
The rockstars are not using online dating apps, they don’t need to
It’s time for a timeout. Go offline, real-time, reality-first dating.

If online dating has become a game I’m not playing anymore. I’m not paying for promotional boosts, or hyper-connections, or global access to tropical islands. Nope. I can’t say online dating has never worked for me. Even recently, I have had some interesting chats with some interesting women. End of story.

I don’t want to date women of my own age. I know that’s a problem for most men. I also know women shout about this injustice from the rooftops. Okay, fair. But let’s talk about aging at different rates. Or, more clarity requires a question, “Have you been building healthy habits your entire life, or are you trying to catch up with filters, fillers, and odd-angle shots?”

It’s not that I need a younger woman in my life. My last LTR was two years younger, within my 5-year margin of error. So, it’s not youth addiction or misguided male dominance. More wisdom along with my shockingly gray hair. Additional ideas from my writing and exploration of relationship-building skills. (I’m happy to share.) And my commitment to emotional intelligence. If you don’t know what Braving is, you need to go watch Brené Brown’s special on Netflix.

I’m not trying to toot my own horn. I’m actually trying to understand why the disconnect was so pronounced this time around at 61. Sure, covid and #metoo have pushed things into a more cautious or guarded climate online. That’s fair. We have more to fear. We have more to share too. And so many have relegated their relationship desires to the online marketplace. It might not be your (my) most flattering portrait, these online profiles.

So, What’s the Antidote for Love?

Is it love we’re trying to match up with? Or is more a rush away from feeling lonely. My goodness, we don’t ever want to be lonely. That’s what social media is for. Swipe swipe, buy buy, snap, grin, tik and tok. Online dating has fallen into the same vapid area of expression. “Are you doing online dating?” I might ask. Today, I’m going to start asking, “Why are you doing online dating?”

Online dating apps are a 100% waste of time. Don’t spend time on TikTok or Bumble, spend time on your mountain bike, or swimming at dawn. We’ve become lasy and jaded. Everything, even the perfect lover, are just a swipe away. That’s the marketing and hype of The Match Group reaching into your mind. It’s a lie.

Don’t swipe, play! Don’t text, sing. Don’t scroll, go swimming.

We need to get off our couches and move toward our best life. Our best life, regardless of our relationship status. That’s the part I’m just now beginning to understand. After fourteen years of singledad seeking, I’m going to release my expectations of what my NEXT RELATIONSHIP will look like, or how long it will last. Let’s say I’ve been divorced 14 years. I’ve also had three LTRs that ran out beyond the two year mark, yet still ended in disappointment on all sides.

Let me rephrase that. Disappointment and lessons on all sides. I learned so much in my recent honeymoon love shot. My 2nd engagement in 14 years. Still, I’m back to “oh solo mio.”

Stop Don’t Swipe

Let me issue a challenge to myself. August – September, no dating. Just being. Breathing. Writing. Working on my own best life.

So, 9 of 14 of my post-divorce life have been IN A RELATIONSHIP. That means conversely 5 of those years I have been alone. Perhaps seeking, but never kissing more than one person at a time. I’m a serial monogamist. A few months on the mountain of self-reflection will do me some good.

I’m not clear on my motivation for marriage or lifetime commitment at this point. Romantic poet me wants to believe in happily ever after, but I’m more skeptical today. How do you feel about dating again?

Check out the first chapter of Joy + Joy, Let’s Meet Out There, Okay?

John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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