All of your previous relationships have failed.
Okay, so we’re here again, examining the wreckage of our last relationship. (This is not my present moment, this is a reflection on my past moments.) And as we comb through the ashes of what we once thought was the “love of our lives” we begin to see signs that all was not well. Even before the relationship began to physically disintegrate, we were feeling a bit disconnected. How did we lose what was once so hot and pure? How did the dream die, even as we were trying to be good partners and good stewards of our lover’s heart?
Learning from past failures, divorces, and flameouts.
- I was creating up to 90% of the heat and romantic energy in the relationship (this is an extrovert’s dilemma)
- Sex complicated our approach towards each other
- As we struggled we started turning AWAY from the partnership
- Someone is the initiator in any breakup – it was almost never me (this is heavy information to be explored)
As I found myself alone, AGAIN, I believed my life was over (this is one of the characteristics of depression)
Those were a few of my educational moments. As I cross-examined myself and my part in every collapse, I was seeking to learn, to adapt, to do better in my next attempt at forming a lasting, lifetime relationship. I really do want to grow old together. I certainly don’t want to grow old by myself. And I REALLY don’t want to be creating Bumble and Tinder accounts in my sixties. I want to find my partner and stay true and solid beside them, for life. (I know I’m ambitious and overly romantic. Oh well.)
What can I do today, now, to avoid the car crashes of my past relationship failures?
- Remain honest, brutally honest (when it’s not working, I exit gracefully and without drama)
- Keep turning back towards my partner in times of joy and in times of stress and sadness
- Work on keeping my focus on the present moment and not on the future projections or past worries
- Ask my partner what they want, what they are feeling, and how I can support them (in Agile project management we have daily standup meetings – in your relationship, perhaps that’s a good idea)
- I listen more than I speak (this one might be the hardest process/task in my lifelong evolution towards being a better man and a better partner)
That’s it. That’s all I’ve got. What do you do when a relationship starts getting good? How do you course correct when things begin to get out of balance? I’d love to talk to you about these ideas in our new Facebook community or here in the comments.
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Limited-time Offer: schedule a free 30-minute coaching session now. (What do you need help with, right now? Let’s talk about it, for free, and see if we’re a fit. I work with depression, dating, divorce, co-parenting, and parenting issues.)
- **A General Theory of Love Thomas Lewis, M. D. et al.
- The Soul of Sex: Cultivating Life as an Act of Love Thomas Moore
- ** Care of the Soul Thomas Moore
- The 5 Love Languages Gary Chapman