My job, as your partner, is to let you off the hook when I can, to hold you accountable when I can't, and to make distinctions about the difference.
The trick in keeping your relationship vibrant and healthy, is to micro correct towards each other, towards the join between you. By showing your partner you are willing to own and handle the little issues that come up during the course of a week, you are giving them assurances that you can do the same over the longer trajectory of your relationship.
What is a young family to do? How can we learn to turn INTO the relationship rather than AWAY from it? In the nine years since my divorce, I've been writing and examining what went wrong. I've been trying to understand what kind of relationship I might be able to build that would sustain my idea of a lifetime partnership. And I've continued to examine how I could've done better as a partner.
Don't let any of your shit fester and darken your experience of life. Life is too short to be compromising with someone you don't love 100%. Oh, and it's your responsibility to love them at 100%. It is your intention and actions, for the rest of your life, that will determine the success of your next relationship.
Today, I am accepting love on all levels. I am also attempting to hold another person's best interest above my own agenda or expectations. It's not easy, but this, I believe, is the magic trick of building a long-term loving relationship. The mom-kiss is a wonderful tool for breaking down some of our fears and barriers.
I can ask to be loved. I may not feel loved even when love is abundant and specific. I might still miss some aspect of being loved. I might not feel loved, even in the presence of love. And, I can want someone else to meet my needs for love and connection, while not doing a very good job of being clear about what I need. Today, I didn't ask anyone. Today, I took care of my desire to go to the beach. September might not be summer, but it's beachy enough for me and my inner smile.
We may not be able to do a hard left turn and stop some obsessive or destructive behavior just by declaring our new healthy path. BUT, we can get curious every time we find we're leaning towards the Frappucinos in our life.
If you are going to love deeply, you become more susceptible to fear. The more we come to depend on the reciprocal affection of another person the more put ourselves at risk of a painful loss should the relationship not work out. Even in our everyday relationships, caring deeply about someone comes with risks.