Keep interrupting the stories you are telling yourself and others. Take control of your thoughts and actions by pausing in the moment and recentering then resetting your trajectory.
Now that they are mostly out of their mom's house they have a bit more autonomy of thought. And when she throws a shitty bomb in between us, we can usually identify the *bs* and choose to not bite.
It's hard when you're on the receiving end of someone else's trigger. But we can get better at identifying our own triggers and triggered moments. And there are ways to help our partners notice when the rage or sadness that is coming out of them, might be a bit bigger or deeper than the infraction that caused the initial pain.
What I've got is my state of happiness and peace. I no longer fight with her about anything. I no longer ask her for anything. I keep my communications primarily with my kids. As far as I'm concerned, she's no longer the superpower she was.
If you navigate a positive divorce, perhaps it will be happier and better for everyone. Plan for happiness and build a parenting schedule that will value BOTH mom and dad equally.
Sure, I believe my ex wants our kids to be healthy and happy. And somewhere she got in her mind that being the PRIMARY PARENT after the divorce was *in the best interest of the children.*
You can't have kids by yourself. Your partner is just as important. Why would it be different when you no longer live together?
If we can see and seek the balanced parenting approach we might be able to continue that holistic love even as the marriage comes apart.