What I wanted (what I want) is stability and trust. What I want is something more authentic than I had in my marriage or with my fiance. What I want is someone who can lean into the troubles and work them out. What I want is someone who can express affection easily and frequently.
It's been a hard journey as a single dad. But out of this wreckage, I hope I can bring the stories and lessons I've learned and continue to share them with others. Dads don't have to lose everything in a divorce.
I sat with my anger long enough, until she told me her real name grief. Underneath that rage at me, must be sadness. I feel it when I touch the anger inside myself about how I've been treated since the divorce. I'm sad because we were so close. I'm sad because we still share two wonderful children that are affected by such rage and unresolved anger.
And so we divorced. I was not happy about it. And though I swear I'm moving on, I don't guess I will ever fully be OVER it. I mean, what am I doing tonight? Seeing if a date is going to materialize through the texts and emails I'm exchanging with someone from Match.com. And I'd rather be hanging with my kids: chatting about their day, their projects, their hopes and dreams. Much like the past five days of this dad-weekend.
I walked away from that coffee with a new understanding of myself, online dating, and what I was interested in. From then on, if the person didn't have something extraordinary going on, some really amazing trait, or some smashingly witty banter in her messaging, I wasn't interested.
Today, I have everything I need. I may not be close to having everything I want. But my basics (food, shelter, safety, community) are pretty well covered. Today I can forgive my ex and focus on my kids and their well-being.
I was showing myself that I was emerging from one of the longest depressions I've been in as an adult. For me, creativity and brain health go hand in hand. So I'm happy to be back, still working, but on the upswing.
My most recent bouts of depression were triggered by my divorce, but it's a lifelong journey for me. I can drink. I can stop drinking. But I'm not sure how good I am at getting sad and not turning on the sadness fire hose at the first sign of things going off.