Here are a few truths about online dating.

Browsing available partners online is a bit like walking through your local grocery store. There are people you are attracted to, people out of your reach, and people you’re repelled by. Online dating is a bit like that. If I could help you understand one thing it’s this: you are the catch. You have to be the catch.

First Let’s Talk About You

What are you putting out to the world wide web of online dating? Too much boob or booze is going to flood your inbox. The question is, are these the men you want to date? Too many smoothing filters on your glam shot, too many Hawaii or private jet brags. Too many profiles of people trying to fake their way out of years of sloth or debauchery. It’s hard, I get it, we’re all trying to put our best foot out there, but please understand what your offer is. What are you bringing to the party? Fake eyelashes, an overabundance of tattoos, or enthusiasm for alcohol, and we’re going to be a miss.

For me, the spark of joy is what I’m most interested in seeing in your photographs. I want to feel a rise in temperature when I look at your profile. So, why are so many of you sneering? The Kardashian mode is not helping either. I want to see fewer painted eyebrows and more natural smile lines. The puffing of botox cheeks has made many women of a certain look like “The Joker.” Too harsh? Sorry. Be real or be gone, IMHO.

Now, How Are You Describing What You Want?

A lot of women’s profiles sound similar: “likes to travel, long walks on the beach, and happy hours in distant cities.” Yes, but what do you like to do besides travel, drink, and sit on the beach? I want my partner to have a passion project. Anything will do. A real excitement about something other than work, the gym, and vacations. Let’s get specific. If you say you like seeing Live Music, but can’t think of an answer to a question about the “last show you enjoyed,” well, there’s a disconnect between what you are asking for and what you *really* want to do.

How can we find someone that likes to do the same things I like to do? The extracurriculars, we can call them. The answer is simple, get out there and do it. Windsurfing? Great start going to windsurfing meetups, move to the beach, grow into your dream. I have too many creative hobbies, so I’m probably a bit more isolative than most, but we each need to have cultivated interests that reach outside of our partnership. In that way, we continually replenish the content of our relationship with new ideas and experiences.

Know Your Goal

Are you looking for a lifetime partner? I know I start that way, intentionally. But, that’s not always how things end up. In the last three relationships I’ve chosen to leave potential partners who began to exhibit one of two things:

1. not growing, evolving, addressing any-and-all issues in the relationship
2. a mismatch in experience leading to a mismatch in interest and agency

Let me address these one at a time.

Evolve With Your Parnter

Long-term partnerships will change you. You have to be prepared to shift some of your expectations, to be flexible on others, and to give up some of your WANTS. What you cannot give up is your NEEDS. Here’s an example: I experienced the most securely attached relationship of my adult life with my last partner. There was something else missing, however. As I tried to address the elephant I got anger, despair, rejection, and blame. What I wanted was “Let’s figure this out together.” If the other person is not in a growth mindset there might be resistance to change. A lack of willingness to own our individual issues is one of the key harbingers of failure in a dynamic relationship. And let’s be clear, I WANT a DYNAMIC relationship. I don’t sit still for long, spiritually, physically, intellectually, or emotionally. I want you to move and adapt with me, like a salsa dance routine we’re both learning. Together.

Mismatch In Love or Life Experience

Let’s say your partner is just out of a long marriage. They seem reasonably healed. Optimistic. But along the way, something comes up that needs some adjustments. BOTH partners are responsible for navigating difficulties and changes. If only one partner is carrying the LEARNING LOAD for the entire relationship, well, you can see how that might be a problem, right? I don’t want to be a life coach in my relationship. I want my partner to take their own learning and healing journey into their hands and do the external work that allows them to return to our partnership with less baggage and more flexibility. It’s not always how it works out. Mismatches are fine if both partners are willing to flow with the ballet of a loving relationship. The life coach should not be “coaching” his partner. It won’t work.

How Will You Know Him When You See Him?

Here’s the thing about all online dating apps. It’s not about the app, it’s about the people. It’s also a numbers game.

Get on the dating apps with YOUR goals and NEEDS in mind. When swiping right or left, don’t overthink your choices. What you want here, is as many RIGHT  (YES) swipes as you can get. These are invitations to have a conversation. As a man, 98% of my YES swipes will never respond. I am not sure if it’s my profile, my photos, or my mojo. I suspect that for women the experience is much different. I can only imagine that a beautiful woman is going to be flooded with “hey cutie” flirts from all over the spectrum of potential to disastrous partners. For women, the issue is culling the *bs* to find a genuine and available man. For men, we just want some contact, any contact, that reminds us that we are still alive, viable, and potentially a match for someone.

Swipe with abandon. Date with intention. And if things go well, begin the relationship-building era of your emerging partnership. Don’t worry about the superficial nature of swiping swiping swiping. Yes, it is superficial, but… It’s also math. If one marginal YES gets me into a conversation, THEN I can begin to sort out who this person is. Without any MATCHES it’s hard to be optimistic about online dating or dating in general. I know many mid-life people who have given up on ever having a romantic relationship again. Sad.

What A Single Dad *Wants* In His Next Relationship

Over ten years ago, I wrote the post that has kept this blog alive. Not profitable, but well read. Today, I’m updating my criteria. I want JOY. I want my partner to bring their own unique and vibrant joy. They have a passion for one or two outside interests. These “other” interests are what bring renewal, learning, and stretching to the partnership. If your partner is complacent, well, for me, that’s a deal killer.

Sure, it would be nice if everyone knew about The Four Commitments or Brené Brown’s BRAVING, but we don’t have to start on the same page. What we want is to continuously evolve to a closer and closer alignment. I am changing, learning, and growing. My partner has to grow beside me in her own fascinating ways. If she’s not growing, I’m going to find myself alone on a mountain wondering why you chose to not come with me.

• 7 Habits of a Sizzling Sex Life: Relationship Building
• The 3-point Formula for Loving Relationships: Where You Lead I Follow

You can find all of my books on AMAZON.