I have a formula in my mind about online dating. I’m going to share some recent insights into my new adventure back into the pool of singles looking for other singles.

How I Work Toward a New Partner

Reach out – be honest in my profile, and ask questions to crack some of the mystery of the other person. All is not real on Bumble or Match.com as you will know if you’re on the same path. There are fake profiles run by the companies to get you excited enough to PAY for their “boosts” and “spotlights.” That’s their business, after all, making money, not making you happy.

And to that point, when Match shows I have 4 people who have liked me, then says in my search “Sorry, that’s it for today, come back tomorrow for more matches, or pay…” They are gaming me. Showing me there are women interested in me (at least enough for a right swipe) and theoretically interested in a relationship. BUT, they aren’t showing those particular profiles to me… Because they want me to pay. A few days in, Match sends me a 25% off offer to subscribe to their first tier of paid subscriptions. A few more unrevealed LIKE YOU stars, and I’m not convinced. Another offer arrives in my inbox last night, 50% off. That’s how online dating works.

On Bumble it’s the same thing. When you run out of Bees, as they call potentials, they are lying. You’re not out of potentials, they are just not going to show you more until you pay them. And on Bumble the ruse goes a bit deeper. In theory, a match on Bumble requires both participants to swipe right on each other. However, if you pay, you can immediately see anyone who swipes right on you. But only if you pay. They will continue to show you graphics and send you emails about all the Bees waiting to meet you, if you’d just subscribe.

My New Mantra: Go Slow

In an effort to make more informed decisions, I think it’s important for me to be patient, go slow, and give things time to develop. On Match, for me, that means not paying to see the LIKES. Just wait. Eventually, their system will show me these right swipes, just as Bumble will eventually get around to it. So, for me, don’t pay is a motto. Just be patient.

In the same vein, I had a nice “hello date” a few days ago. She was hard to pin down online, her profile was a bit thin. That’s okay. She was open to meeting and made an effort to schedule with me. In the lunch she shared that she was an introvert, and try as I might, I could not help arriving with my BIG E energy engaged. I’d just finished a great tennis workout, and I was amped. I also had a lot of ideas I wanted to convey. I slowed myself to some extent, but for an introvert, I’m sure I was over the top. When I asked about “next” she responded with, “I like to sleep on it…” Done. She unmatched with me on Bumble the next day. No problem. Easy. No muss no fuss.

In a similar rush, I met a woman at a coffee shop over the weekend and we ran out of time. The cafe was closing early on a Sunday. We stood outside in the cold for another 15 minutes. There was no “would you like to do this again?” we were both engaged and enthusiastic. We’re going walking on Saturday. Seems well paced. Certainly shows intentionality.

Intentional Dating

Here’s my approach. I’m not here for friends or entertainment. I’m here to meet ONE person, to establish mutual respect and admiration and a monogamous partnership if things go as planned. Easy, right?

Many people using online dating are not ready to date by any stretch of the imagination. There was a hello date woman who paused when I asked about her divorce. RED FLAG. It was casual, we didn’t have a lot of time. “Let’s leave that for another time,” she said. Well, it came out during our second date that she was separated but not divorced. And the horrific circumstances of her breakup were the reason she didn’t want to get into it on our first introduction. Fine, but she was in no condition to DATE. Well, I’ll take that back, she was in no condition for a relationship. Maybe for her, dating would soothe her back into the idea of trusting men again. I was her first “date” post-separation. Had she told me any of her story, she is correct, there would not have been a second date. She was not ready. We were in very different places.

She was very cute, however, and I let my physical interests outweigh my common sense. (See: When Sexual Chemistry Knocks the Sense Right Out of You.) There was not much to exchange after our “date.” I politely disconnected our profiles. Since we’d been texting, I shared, “We’re just in different places. Good luck on your journey.”

Getting Clear About Empathy

Not all of the profiles are real people. (The companies employ offshore staff to power attractive profiles that will NEVER ACCEPT AN IN PERSON MEETING. But, if you know what you’re looking for you can spot the fakes. Also, the minute you get local in your conversations with them, there will be statements as dumb as this. “Oh, you like Barton Springs. Tell me what you like to do there.” I mean, WTF? This worker has no idea what Barton Springs is, didn’t even Google it. But they are clearly not from Austin or in Austin.”

I had a phone call rule before. I thought I must have a phone conversation with someone before accepting a hello date. But, I’m rethinking that one. I almost rescheduled on the lunch date, but I’m glad I didn’t. I learned that given a moment, she emerged as a human, a real person, a bit different in her approach and values, but I learned a lot from her.

One part, I might have noticed on her profile was the word Atheist. In our conversation, it came up and I referred to her Agnosticism. She corrected me. “I’m an atheist.” I tried to argue my approach to spirituality that is not the church, that is not Christ-centered but is important. I tried to explain to her Jung’s Collective Unconscious. What the fk? I was trying to reason with her non-faith. She is in the medical profession, so we’re all essentially animals and when it’s over, that’s it.

I did rebound with Kurt Vonnegut’s approach to humanism. Be kind to other humans as best you can. Amen.

I’m a bit deeper in my seeking. But, I should’ve taken this woman’s definitive answer as her truth, not as a challenge. Everyone out there, even if they are attractive and successful, are not for you. I know I’m a handful. I know I’m a triple Sagittarius. I’m driven and inspired. And introverted atheist was never going to be a match. Still, I enjoyed her banter and conversation. Our lunch lasted a bit longer than expected. But the “sleep on it” comment was enough to indicate it was a PASS for her. I had not arrived at my NO yet, I was still arguing with myself about my ability to be with someone who doesn’t “not understand God” but who says “There is no God.” That wasn’t going to work out. Besides, she said, “And I don’t like to argue about it. I have a very simple approach.”

I did ask, “What do you worship?” This one stumped her. I was thinking of Bob Dylan’s “Your going to have to serve someobody.” It didn’t land well.

We Are Humans In Search of Love

What I learned was my lunch with the atheist medical professional was not wasted time. I also learned I still need to be quiet more and listen when I am told something important. Instead, I tried to reason with her about GOD. Are you kidding me?

The humans using online dating may or may not be ready for a relationship. If they are real, I want to be compassionate and gentle. Swipe left. No need to comment or engage. Most of us are doing the best we can. I suppose, even the person in Bangalore running the 100 Match.com profiles, is also doing the best they can, but I’m not going to reward their subterfuge with a subscription, no matter how steep the discount. Nope.

Be real. Be human. And share your truth. When the other person shares a truth that contradicts your own beliefs it might be better to listen and say, “I hear you.” And then STOP. I didn’t need to reason with this adult woman about her faith. I didn’t need to convince her I was a deep thinker or smart. I just needed to see if she was attractive and magnetic in person, and if I wanted to see her again. Even after the God kerfluffle I did still want to see her, but that was my own arrogance. I’m working on that. I learned that she was a NO for me as well, regardless of her intellect, her success, and her convictions.

Be human. Be kind. Stick to your truth.

Always Love,