Online dating is interesting, but I wouldn’t call it fun. Odd, is the word I often use.

Here’s how the NYTimes described online dating.

Fake profiles. Unresponsive texters. Boring conversations. An endless stream of dudes on boats holding the fish they’ve caught.

I’m on the side looking at women holding big fish, a big glass of wine, or a big motorcycle. It’s okay. If you’ve got a unique or novel side, please show and share. We can get some of the painful bits out of the way.

No, I don’t like tattoos, cigars, or over-indulgence in most forms. If you’re conservative or a Trump voter, good to know, swipe swipe swipe. I was surprised to see someone I knew on Bumble who revealed she was an anti-vax proponent. Um, no. Beautiful, but no, have you lost your mind?

How to Enjoy the Process of Online Dating

Again, being a man, my experience on most of the dating platforms is going to be different than 80% of my readers, women. But we can learn from each other, I’m convinced of it. And I have some ideas to share with you, that just might help you find someone compatible. Maybe me. (Joking.)

I’m going to use Bumble for my example, but I think, if you’re doing it, you might as well cast the wide net. I’m also profiled on Hinge and FB Dating. I’ll get into a few of the nuances of them at the end. Here’s my new recipe for online dating.

• don’t spend much time online swiping – better to be out swatting tennis balls if you’re me
• identify your main triggers for yes – athletic, joyful, natural look
• identify your main triggers for no – alcohol in every photo, filler and photo smoothing, flags, guns, fish, jesus, conservative, unhealthy
• find common points of interest when browsing – live music, music, outdoor-type, fit, indie films, astronomy, swimming, tennis
• aspire to your level of education or above – no college, sorry, probably not for me, I want intellectual stimulation as well as physical
• don’t judge a face by a career choice – flight attendants and school teachers abound
• swiping right gives them a chance and if they are a paid member, brings you to their attention immediately
• keep swiping until you reach “That’s all the matches we have today…”

Those are pretty basic ideas, but they have taught me a lot about what I’m looking for in my *next* relationship. My type then would be active, athletic, joyful, and pretty. Too much to ask? I don’t think so. But, it is a bit of a needle in a haystack-situation on both sides of the online dating aisle.

What Keeps Us Apart in Online Dating

First, you need to understand if Bumble was really good at connecting me with my perfect match, I wouldn’t spend much time (money) on their site. So, there is a game being played on all of the online dating apps. All of them. Trickle out the really popular (aka hot) profiles slowly and always at the start of an online session. You will notice when you open one of the apps the first few profiles are RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT. That’s to get you excited and hooked. Then, it’s into the grind of profiles with big fish, big boats, and big hair.

Second, it’s good if you can take yourself lightly too. If I get too picky at the start my potential for “conversations” goes way down. If I’m only swiping right on super-fit forty-year-olds I’m going to get to the bottom of the pile of profiles rather quickly. And, I’m not likely to get even ONE match. That’s also part of the gaming of the system. If you keep reaching above your own fitness/attractiveness level, if you keep reaching 5+ years out of your age range, you’re likely to catch very few fish.

Third, as many as 30% of the great profiles are fake. Created and managed out of Bangalore, India. They will engage in light conversation. Tease you with their attention. And, go figure, NEVER ACCEPT A COFFEE DATE. The fake profiles are part of the marketing strategies. Keep you interested, imagining some action from attractive potentials, and tempt you to pay for additional reach or promotions. The hottest profiles on Bumble are not real. And the real ones, of the real hot partners, are so overwhelmed with offers, they may never even open your message. Thus, the real beauties will never see your profile.

Here are some examples from MeetMyAge.com a bot-filled fake site. See if you can spot the lies.

She said “marketing” yet didn’t pick up on my “I own a marketing firm” comment. 

If they are in Austin and they haven’t been to Barton Springs, no Googling from Bangalore is going to help them. 

“nice try, but i can’t meet up!”

Fourth, we’ve got to talk about age. Yes, it’s just a number, but if you spend any time in online dating you’re going face the headwinds of truth vs. fantasy. I’ve done it in the past. Fudge your age about 5 years younger. Make sure you’re profile is being picked up for partners who want someone in their 50s, not their 60s. I’m not sure we’re all looking for younger partners. I’m pretty sure my age range doesn’t go more than a few years above my actual age, 62. I’ve settled on +/- 5 as a realistic range, and 10+ to still be a possibility, but unlikely in the swipe first explore later world of profile surfing.

June is clearly AI-generated. And if she’s 54, I’m 74. 

Fifth, you’ve got to go on a few “hello dates” to remember what you’re doing this for. You need to have a boring one. “Oh crap, what am I even doing here.” You need to have the vanilla one. “Not sure how I missed that she was an aesthetician.” And, you even need to have the too-cute-for-words near miss. It’s all part of the learning experience. If you’re not getting out there you’re not learning (from real-world experience) what you’re into or not into.

Sixth, you absolutely, positively, cannot determine fit and chemistry from online conversations. Maybe a video chat will shine a light on some of the potential, but “in person” is the only measure of a potential partner. I mean, that’s my goal. A partner.

Remind Yourself of The Goal

I want a partner. One. Any potential swipe can bring a new person into my orbit, even if only for a few minutes. Don’t be too critical before you’ve had a few social dates. After a few time-wasters, you will refine your strategy.

And speaking of time, any indication that you’re in a hurry or over-eager is going to be an instant red flag. Slow down. Don’t ask for a phone number or a coffee date in the first rounds of texting. Listen for the clues. Ask some open-ended questions. “What sort of music do you like to go see live?” Seek to understand more about them. (In the case of fake profiles, you can tell. Ask them about Barton Springs and they will either identify themselves as an Austin resident or an Indian data center clone profile.

Here’s my parting message for you. There is no hurry. You have time on your side. If you want to find a partner through online dating, make sure you’re learning as you go. Use your profile as a way to say what you want and what you’re bringing to the party. Use your swiping and responding behavior to educate yourself on some of your hot buttons: yes and no.