Tag Archives: single-dad

What I Wish My Ex-wife Knew

I’m not writing this blog to my ex-wife, but there are times when I wish she would read my words. I still love her, because of our connection and history with children, but she makes it difficult to remain objective sometimes. One of my outlets is to work it out, alone, right here. Again, I’m certain she’s NOT reading me, but these posts could help our relationship. Soften her up a bit, perhaps. And then again, I’ve given up imagining that my words or actions can change her in any way. We’d like to think we can make another person happy, or comfortable, or secure. Unfortunately, we cannot.

If I could give my ex-wife a quick list of posts to read, this would be the shortlist.

As it is, we’re supposed to have moved on from the charged feelings towards our significant, but no longer spousal, other. When the anger and defensiveness is quick to surface there may still be some emotional work to do. Somedays I’d really like to send her a link to my prayer for her. I don’t. Again, I’ve learned it’s not for me to change her, but really learn to love and adapt to her as she is today.

She’s remarried. She’s got money again. She seems to be enjoying her job and the job of parenting, but she still complains a bit too much for me to buy the slick surface. I’m not taking her inventory here, I’m releasing her. I just wish my loving words could reach her some days. And I hope, everyday, that my loving actions will soften her heart enough to give her peace.

“I wish you happiness in your new life, I always want to see you shine, you are the other half, the partner in this parenting journey we accepted together. Your joy is joy for our kids. Your peace is their peace, and mine. As we walk separate paths we are blameless and grateful for the gifts we’ve been given. And to you, my dear ex, I give the deepest respect and love. Thank you for where we’ve been, where we are, and where we are going, still a family, still parents, still blessed.”

Always Love,

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

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The Joy of Divorce and the 3 Gifts of Breaking Up

WHOLE-2016-erock

While we held it all together for our family, it was not all that ideal. But I was convinced that life was not ideal, and that for the comfort and future joy of my kids I would stick it out, no matter what.

As it was happening the divorce was the worst experience of my life. I was the one who wanted to work on things, but was told, “It is over.” I struggled with my own sadness and the imagined sadness that I knew my kids would experience. I tried to entice my still-wife back into the idea of staying together. I tried to bully her into realizing how bad things were going to be without me. I tried to convince her that she was wrong. I did everything I could think of to save the marriage.

Here’s the rub. The marriage was hard. Outside of the first few years of parenting (including the global crisis of 9-11) things in the relationship were not ever easy. We had very different styles of housekeeping, very different ideas about what made up a perfect weekend. And while we held it all together for our family, it was not all that ideal. But I was convinced that life was not ideal, and that for the comfort and future joy of my kids I would stick it out, no matter what.

My then-wife, on the other hand, decided for us both that “no matter what” was over. And though we said, “’til death do us part” we really didn’t mean it. She decided for us that it was over. And all the second person can do at that point is go through some of the Kubler-Ross grief stages.

But the gift of the divorce was bigger than I could imagine. Looking back, now seven years, I can say it was the most transformative event in my life. What cracked with the fracturing of my marriage was my own protective shell. The heart that was suddenly in so much pain burst forth from my chest and I started writing about it. Writing like I’d never written before. Writing, in some ways, to survive the crisis I was in. And I’m still writing.

Even alone, I was happier than I had been for the last few years of my marriage. As I began to discover the activities that gave me joy, I was able to include my kids more regularly in those activities.

The first gift divorce gives you is time and solitude. It’s painful. It was lonely. But in the hours and days of my loneliness I had to search again for the things that gave me joy. I no longer had the family group to mingle and play with, I had to find my own happiness. My alone happiness.

I wrote. I started playing my guitar more regularly. I walked the neighborhood endlessly to get into shape. I rejoined a tennis team. And I allowed the sadness and aloneness to transform me. I began to find happiness outside of being a parent. I got to discover my life’s joy in the times when I could not be with my kids. It was a moment of crisis that turned into a moment of self-discovery.

The second gift divorce gives you is the perspective on love and life. During the throes of divorce I was not able to see how this was ultimately going to be a good transformation. But as time wound on, I was able to reflect, first to myself and then to my kids, about how things were actually better now. I had a conversation with my daughter one morning before school that went like this.

“I know this divorce thing has been hard on all of us, but you do see how somethings have gotten better, right?”

She did not look convinced. “Like what?”

“Like how you and I are playing tennis together now. When I was married to your mom it was harder to find time to do stuff like that.”

“Okay…”

“And you can see how happy I am, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well, maybe it wasn’t going to get any happier with your mom. Maybe she was looking for something different. And even if I didn’t know it, maybe I was too. But now, as we’ve all gotten a little time away, can’t you see that we’re all a bit happier?”

“I guess so.”

The biggest gift of my divorce was the release to become a happier, healthier, and more loving partner to a new woman. I bring my joy and my affection, and this time, the rules of engagement are very different.

Granted, she was eight years old then, and not really processing all that I was saying. But the message was this. Even alone, I was happier than I had been for the last few years of my marriage. As I began to discover the activities that gave me joy, I was able to include my kids more regularly in those activities. About six months after that conversation I had standing tennis games with my daughter on the weekends they were with me. It was a peak moment to be on the tennis court hitting balls with someone I loved so much. I had tried to get her mom interested in tennis, but it wasn’t meant to be.

The third gift divorce gives you is the freedom to go forward in your life and find someone to love again. And, if we’re lucky, and if we’ve done our homework on what broke down in the marriage, maybe we will find someone who we can truly love and who can love us back.

The biggest gift of my divorce was the release to become a happier, healthier, and more loving partner to a new woman. I bring my joy and my affection, and this time, the rules of engagement are very different. There’s something about a post-divorce-with-kids relationship that sort of puts things in perspective. The divorce taught me how to be alone and happy. The divorce gave me two great kids that are dependent on me for love, support, and encouragement.

And then the divorce gave me the time back. The time to be myself and discover my core talents again. And this is the me that my new fiancé fell in love with. Independent. Joyous. A dedicated father. And a creative madman. And this creative whirlwind came from the trauma and transformation of my divorce. As I was losing everything I discovered a larger me, a meta man who could rise above the distortion and anger and love in spite of everything else.

What I do best in life is love. And that I have been given a gift for sharing that experience via writing and music, is one of the major wins in my life. This new lease on love is another. May you find what you were looking for. May you find the happiness that comes from within so you can share it with others. The divorce gave me back my joy and freedom and allowed me a second chance to find life-long love.

Always Love,

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

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Back to School and Summer’s End for the Single Dad

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NEWS FLASH: Back to school can hurt.

My rebirth or collapse has often happened during the first few weeks of “back to school.” Am I suffering from micro-empty next syndrome? Or am I just sad that summer has come to an end?

One thing that will never change: Parents miss their kids when they are gone. Even when they were tiny I hated to leave them. Going to work for the first 5 years was torture. (And maybe I could’ve done a better job at that, but the post 9-11 world was strange and uncertain in business as in life.)

You go from full-time parent to 31% parent. 3-of-10 school mornings will be awarded to you. Everything else, for everyone else, is pretty much status quo. Except dad isn’t around.

The other day, my son and I were driving past the pre-school where they learned to swim, and read, and begin to become separate tiny humans. Dropping them off some mornings was a sad affair, more for me than for them. After my son entered elementary school, I would still stop by with my daughter, and push her on the swings before heading to work.

“One more push, daddy,” she would yell as I was trying to tear myself away. The staff was supportive. The would frequently come and push her on the swing while I made my quiet and miserable escape.

Dad’s have a different relationship to parenting. We typically don’t get to be the “stay at home” parent. We typically feel more of the financial pressure as the bills and responsibilities become more urgent. And each morning, we’re off to work. And yes, mom deserves all the rest and recovery she can get, but it’s different. Leaving your sleeping child and wife on the bed to dress, make coffee, and head out the door, is difficult. Perhaps this was the massive transformation as a parent that occurs for the dad. Time for work. Sleepy, cuddly, baby-fest is over.

Even as the kids grew older leaving them at school felt like a loss of some sort. And this as a happily married man. Work was a nice distraction when it was engaging. When it was mechanical and dull, being at work and getting a text from your wife about the baby’s first word… Well, you miss a lot as a dad. That’s how it’s always been. That’s how it will continue to go. (Don’t talk to me about the joys of being a SAHD. I don’t want to hear it.)

Divorce is like a trial run at the empty nest experience. And dads typically get the lion’s share of the “off” time.

Today, the kids start their next cycle of school. My son enters 9th grade and accelerates up the four-year launch ramp to escape velocity. He will be gone gone.

In divorce, they were both gone gone a lot of the time. Since the divorce (Aug 2010) I’ve missed 5 of 6 back to school mornings. We cobbled some reason for me to bring my ex coffee on that first one. She was feeling magnanimous. And she was probably out of coffee or something. Since then I have not had the joy of packing, preening, and pushing them off to their first day at the start of the new semester. It’s okay. It’s what divorced dads get.

So now, today, I realize that divorce is like a trial run at the empty nest experience. And dads typically get  the lion’s share of the “off” time, and thus the majority of the “empty nest” sadness. When you are making the plans for divorce, and trying to be civil about the schedule, the gap between kid-time can be overwhelming. You go from full-time parent to 31% parent. 3-of-10 school mornings will be awarded to you. Everything else, for everyone else, is pretty much status quo. Except dad isn’t around.

I could blast my way into the first day of school mornings, but what’s the point? They have their routine. They have their process, path, and protocol for making it to school on-time. And they’ve done it 70% of the time over the last 5 years.

As I prepare for my back to school, end of summer, dip I know that I am better prepared for the eventual final departure of our kids. I just wish it hadn’t come so soon in my marriage.

Always Love,

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

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image: promotional photo from the movie Boyhood, creative commons usage

My Little Rocket Ship of Hope and Love

WHOLE-rocketship

I am hilariously ashamed, and… Laughing at my situation, because if I didn’t laugh at it, I’m sure I’d be freaking out, depressed, or drinking. Something to escape my current grounded state. Ready to laugh? Me too.

What I’m going to let you know is this: you can lose everything. And I mean everything. And still wake up on the bright side of the day each morning.

Just to set the stage, a woman I was talking to on the phone a few days ago, about my current living situation, said, “That’s amazing. You should write a book or something. That’s hilarious.”

She was talking about the fact that at 52 years old, I am living in my mom’s garage. Damn! Sorry. I even crack up now at the absurdity of the situation. But so it is. And here I am. Like a twenty-something regrouping. Except I’m past middle age, I’ve got two kids in middle school and a nice child support payment to go with it. And I’ve had some serious setbacks. And again, I’m not going to bitch about it. I’m not going to tell you how the world economy has done me wrong. I’m not even going to tell you how my ex-wife done me wrong. I could, but I’m not. (I’ve done that elsewhere, anyway.)

What I’m going to let you know is this: you can lose everything. And I mean everything. And still wake up on the bright side of the day each morning. Excited about your first and second cup of coffee and all the dreams ahead. Even after great setbacks, like divorce, or job loss, or whatever, with the “bright side” outlook, you can find hope. That’s all we need. A tiny bit of hope.

We do have to back track, just for a second, for me to set up the situation.

  1. Economy – yadda yadda.
  2. Divorce/Depression/Job loss – yadda yadda.
  3. Parent with boatloads of money decides what would be best, and it ain’t keeping the house.
  4. Even my storage unit of things, everything, is sold unlawfully.
  5. A fantastic new job, several months ago, hires me with great fanfare and fires me on the second day for my contributions to the Huffington Post.

START. AGAIN.

When the woman said how funny it was, my situation, I laughed with her. What I’ve gotten out of this morass is a deep appreciation for one thing: me.

FINE. I GET IT. Something in the universe, in my karma, in the “future plans” for me, was not working correctly. And for the second time in my life I got a full reset. The first time was when my then-wife decided she no longer wanted to be my wife. Okay, RE-SET. Start over. And if you blow it, start over again.

When the woman said how funny it was, my situation, I laughed with her. What I’ve gotten out of this morass is a deep appreciation for one thing: me. I’m not ashamed of what’s happened. And while I’m not proud of it either, I am aware of a new internal strength that has come from restarting from ground zero. And, even in the middle of it, taking the serenity now approach to my life, at this moment, I AM the happiest I’ve ever been. Hard to imagine.

And there are moments when I wonder if my positive attitude is some sort of hypnotic delusion that I feed myself, like some NLP self-regulating ritual. But I shake off those thoughts too. I’m just happy.

In my core DNA, I enter the world each day as a positive force. I have plans and dreams and I’m up-and-at-‘m with vigor and caffeine. And that’s what gets me the job, and also what gets me in trouble. Sometimes, the jetpack runs out of fuel. Sometimes, I run out of mojo, fuel, energy, optimism, hope. I’m sure we all do. But when you’re a hard-charger, the dramatic switch from extrovert to introvert is jarring to most people, and absolutely terrifying to some. You might try to label this drop bi-polar, or some other diagnosis, but I’m thinking it’s more about jet-fueled optimism and dreams, and the momentary sputtering of the rocket itself inside me.

So I’m a little rocket ship. And when I’m well-fueled, well-balanced, and have a good map in front of me, all systems are go, green lights across the board, look out, cause here we go. When the map gets torn in half and the fuel supply is momentarily shut off, I do tend to flounder. Well, I actually gained strength and insight this time. So what’s changed?

I’ve learned to keep a reserve tank of optimism. I’ve packed a secondary map, a meta-map, for where I’m going. And once I established my larger goal, the goal beyond what I wanted, I was able to see the setbacks as mere interruptions rather than disasters.

This is a fairly recent addition to my rocket ship design. And the disasters of these last six months have given me a chance to test all of my backup systems.

When divorce interrupted my interstellar travel plans over five years ago, I did not have any backup plans. I had put my entire dream and fuel source in the family unit we had been working on for 11+ years. When my mission control center went black, I was literally lost in space. I not only lost mission control, but at the moment I agreed to try a space walk out of the capsule, I began a free fall without precedent. Everything I knew and counted on in my life was suddenly out of view for long periods of time. And at times I did not thrive alone in deep space.

But it was during this long period of holding my breath, conserving resources, trying alternative fuel sources, that I started learning to focus on survival and perseverance rather than the immediate crisis. I learned to be sad about my situation, but not pity myself. I learned that my actions were more important than how I felt on any given day. I took a Radiohead lyric deep into my DNA during that time. “Just because you feel it. Doesn’t mean it’s real.”

Even beyond my own self preservation, I put all of my remaining energy into being a good dad.

And while the divorce and the separation of me from my kids and my house and my primary relationship was real, those losses didn’t actually pose any threat to my life. (Depression might have, if I had not found a way back to hopefulness.) If I could learn to breathe easily, even under major duress, I could learn to bring calm and hopeful rationale to focus on the situation. The road ahead in those first months seemed insurmountable. No house. No job. A new monthly child support payment that was supposed to come first, before shelter, food, or clothing for me. And a few times it was easier to give up. It seemed appropriate to sink into depression for a bit. It seemed like an acceptable response. I could hear myself, saying, “Sure, I just got divorced, I’m depressed. That’s okay.”

But I needed to transform that sadness and hopelessness into something else. Even as I was homeless and loveless I remained focused on one priority alone. Even beyond my own self preservation, I put all of my remaining energy into being a good dad. Sure, my kids could tell their rocket ride was not in service. And I’m sure the loss inside the home I left was also quite tangible and painful to everyone involved. But when they were with me, I simply focused on being dad. Everything else became unimportant when my kids were with me.

And the kid-first approach worked quite well when they were with me. When the rocket ship had kid cargo I was all-systems go, even if I couldn’t tell them when I would have a house for us, I couldn’t tell them, when we might take another vacation together, I couldn’t tell them, when they’d get their own rooms again, in MY house. I simply didn’t have any answers. And we learned to live together in our alternative rocket ship, the one where they had to pack bags each week, and learned to love each other anyway. Even without a map, fuel, or a plan, I stayed with my ability to connect and be emotionally available for my kids. I could fall apart, take on maintenance and repair tasks when they were planet side, at their mom’s house.

And we survived. And in that surviving we all got stronger. And when we were together we kept the joy and humor flowing. I began to chase and wrestle them again. I began to remember what life was about. I rediscovered the deeper mission within about being a great dad. And yet, that wasn’t enough. When they were not around I could fall back into deep despair. I could spend “off” weekends in bed, not tending to repairs, not moving my plans forward, not seeing any happiness in my future, but when my kids arrived again. This is not a sustainable model. As happy as I was (outside) when they were with me, I was just as dark and hurt when they were away. I needed some deeper fuel source. I needed some way to get out of the self-pity mantras that haunted me during the “off” times.

I put what was left of my things in storage and moved into my mom’s garage. And again, I went back to the drawing board in search of a better map.

Even stumbling along in the dark I had a few successes. I was recruited and hired by a startup to drive their digital marketing program. And within months I was purchasing a home and giving my little crew a new command module for the next leg of our journey. Things were exciting. Good. Stressful. And my orbit was still quite wobbly when the kids were away for the long 5-6 day stretches. But at least we had liftoff again and were headed in some direction. The maps might have still been unclear, but we were in motion. Until the company decided they weren’t going to be in the “consumer” business anymore and killed my position along with the line of business.

Then I had a shiny new six-month old ship that was leaking fuel, money, and hope. I thrashed a bit. The economy was still rough and my job prospects were challenging. I interviewed, I consulted, I did freelance, I sold a lot of my things, all in the spirit of keeping the rocket heading forward. But it wasn’t enough. A lot of things did not work out. Still, our little crew kept our sense of humor and adventure. My ex-wife wasn’t so understanding. Even my mom and sister, began to point out the weaknesses and obvious problems they had warned me about when I first made plans to get my own ship again. Lots of people were unhappy. But inside the failing rocket, our little trio, laughed, celebrated, jumped on the trampoline, sailed through a few more years of school and weekends together.

A year ago, at Christmas time it was clear the only way to survive was to abandon the spaceship. In a few short months of hand-wringing and furious activity, I got rid of about 50% of my things, and sold the spaceship and returned to the “captain without a ship” state that I find myself in right now. I put what was left of my things in storage and moved into my mom’s garage. And again, I went back to the drawing board in search of a better map.

Have you read the entire series? Click below for more excited episodes.

deepspacedivorcesaga

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

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Dads, Fathers, & Men: Single Dads Are Pro Family, Too

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Divorced dads have a harder time staying involved in their kids lives, even when they make every effort, keep every appointment, and ask for extra time.
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A funny conversation took place a few minutes ago about the popularity of the “Dads & Families” on a website where I happen to be a contributor. See, that section is getting some great writing, some great writers, and some (even more important) great traffic. All good.

Well, except the single dad, is not included anywhere in the section. We’ve got a disconnect somewhere. Because I write all the time about parenting, and family, and … divorce. Well, maybe that’s the buzz killer right there. But here’s the real buzz: dads after divorce are still dads, our families are still families. And the challenges for the single dad are not unlike the same issues for dads, but we often lack the partner to assist in the daily tasks of being a dad.

We’re talking semantics, I get that, but I’m talking about the META-discussion. Dads and Families, INCLUDES single dads of divorced families. Or, extending a bit further, step-dads.

I’m not sure if this was a result of the divorced dad stigma, the absent father stigma, or the uncaring direction of my ex-wife, I have no way to know. I can ask. I did ask.

The new film Boyhood, does a great job of watching a divorced family over a 12-year period. Sure, it’s all about the boy growing up. But it’s really about the family. The fractured family that over 50% of young families will become if statistics hold up. The divorced family is mainstream. We’re working to make it better, to make the divorce less stigmatized, but we’re still struggling a bit with the parenting piece. It’s hard being a single dad. (I don’t know about a single mom, but I’ve seen my ex-wife go through some serious growing pains as we no longer share all the chores and bills.) It’s rough.

So the meta-category in all blogs and sites about parenting, Dads & Families now needs to include, in my mind, single dads and families, or dads who still support their ex-wives and are trying to win points by being the best dad they can be. Dad’s are critical to families. And single dads are also critical and maybe in a more urgent way. The single dad is not assumed to be supportive, responsible, caring. In fact, the divorced dad might be viewed as something of a threat from time to time.

Last year, at my daughter’s elementary school it was a bit of a struggle to stay informed of parent-teacher decisions. And while I made every single parent teacher conference, I still missed out on some of the big decisions. Those decisions were made by my ex-wife and my daughter’s teacher. Did they think about asking me before moving my daughter to a different math class? I’m sure it crossed both their minds, but they didn’t. My ex, failed to give me the information to even be part of the discussion. Did they have my email address? Yes. Did they just forget? Um… Was I unavailable, or uninvolved? No.

So the Dad & Families who actually still has his family intact does benefit from some of the positive images of wholesomeness, honesty, good dad. A married dad is safe, responsible, and trustworthy. And yes, I’d bet, a good percentage of those married dads let their wives make math class decisions all the time. In fact, I’m sure I would’ve given my had-we-still-been-married wife my proxy to make the decision. But I would’ve heard about. I would’ve had an opportunity to ask, “Why.” As it happened, I was left out of the loop completely.

At the parent-teacher conference where my ex-wife and I met with the teacher the information was presented as, “She’s doing so much better in the new math class.”

Your family never end when you have kids. The marriage may be over, but in the profound words of Erma Bombeck to Arianna Huffington. “Marriages come and go, divorce is forever.”

I was confused, “What new math class?”

I could see it in both their eyes. They had made a critical decision and left me out. I’m not sure if this was a result of the divorced dad stigma, the absent father stigma, or the uncaring direction of my ex-wife, I have no way to know. I can ask. I did ask. The answer, “It  was just a miss.” Um, yeah.

Okay, here’s the wrap: Dads are Dads.

Divorced dads have a lot harder time staying involved in their kids lives, even with they make every effort, keep every appointment, and ask for more time then they are given with them, post-divorce. I am that dad. I’m still a Dad & Families dad, only I don’t have a female partner any more to help me navigate the complexities of elementary school.

We need to keep “dad” connected with +families, +responsible parent, +care provider, +nurturing, +100 present, +supportive of the ex-wife, even when he is a “divorced dad.” That’s a long way from deadbeat dad, or irresponsible dad. What’s it called when the divorced mom and the teacher make decisions without including the dad? Is there a handy label for that?

Your family becomes a lifetime commitment when you have kids. The marriage may be over, but in the profound words of Erma Bombeck to Arianna Huffington. “Marriages come and go, divorce is forever.” This is especially true if you have kids.

Please, let’s keep the conversations crossing boundaries and labels. And lets assume Dads are Dads even if they are no longer married to the Moms.

Love Always,

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

Back to Positive Divorce & CoParenting

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Fatherhood Wide Open – 10 Questions for John McElhenney

Screen Shot 2014-10-11 at 2.40.52 PMListen to the Fatherhood Wide Open Interview Here

These questions give some insight into where this “whole” idea came from and how I got here.

1. One big idea
The Whole Parent idea was formed when I realized I was going to have to grow back into a whole parent. The things that my former partner did, during a vacation to the beach, for example, are things that I was going to have to put back in my parenting, my WHOLE parenting package.

2. How can men stay positive during divorce?
It’s critical to put your kids needs ahead of your own. In everything. 100% of the time, think of your kids before yourself or you anger/sadness around the divorce. You, as an adult, will heal. The kids do not have the same choices. Make every choice a positive one.

3. The biggest surprise in your four years of divorce?
How much joy has come back into my life. While I am still single at this moment, I have learned that for the most part I wake up happy, and go to be happy. That’s the part of my personality I am showing and giving to my kids.

4. Collaborative parenting – how do you incorporate it into your daily life?
You need to be flexible and friendly with your ex. There is no way around it. On certain days you are going to need their support. And when you can do the favor for them, it comes in handy to have that mutually agreed upon goal. Kids first. The co-parenting will go on for the rest of our kids lives. We never get truly divorced when we have kids. But we are no longer married, we are co-parents.

5. How should we best go about forgiving an ex-spouse. Does infidelity change the approach?
Realize that the breakdown of the marriage was the responsibility of both partners. While I don’t have experience with sexual infidelity, even the breakdown there is a result of a failure on both partners. Forgiveness of your ex is the first step on the path to forgiving yourself for the failure too. You owe it to yourself to let go and get on with the next part of your life.

6. How should single dads handle dating again? Do have any ground rules?
Kids should be left out of the dating mix for a while. When our kids were younger, our divorce decreed had a six month rule. I still think it’s a good one. No introductions of boyfriends and girlfriends until they have been in a relationship for six months. It saves potential confusion. I think it would be much more important for younger kids. Today at 11 and 13, my kids want me to have a new relationship.

7. How should your kids be brought into a new relationship?
I don’t have any experience at this yet, but I do believe that six months is a good bench mark for a relationship. My two relationships have ended at three and four months. So I haven’t had the opportunity to introduce them to my kids, except informally, for a random lunch. But she wasn’t my “girlfriend.”

8. How do we promote healthy relationships for our kids in the face of our marital failure?
In spite of our best efforts, bad things happen. Relationships don’t always work out. But we stay honest, and positive and we move on with our lives. As they have seen their mother and me get divorced they have never heard us disparaging about the other. We’re in this together as parents. And we can show our kids that the respect and friendship goes on even when the marriage does not.

9. Should parents try to stick it out in a bad marriage?
When your kids are young the divorce is an all-consuming nightmare. I am not sure how to answer that question. When we divorced my kids were in 3rd and 5th grade. It was hard. I am glad we gave it our best shot, and I would’ve stayed married for them. But I was unhappy. I am happier now, even single. But I am glad I am no longer in an emotionally frozen relationship. I need more from my love life, and I am hopeful about finding it again.

10. Will you marry again? What one thing would you change?
I am not sure if marriage is my ultimate goal. But if I did, if the woman was really interested in it as well, I would want to keep the communication about sex and touch out in the open. With books like The 5 Love Languages, we know a lot more about what makes people feel loved. I’m hoping to find another “touch” person. And if I do, I am confident that we will both put constant contact as a high priority in our lives.

Always Love,

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

back to Positive Divorce and Co-Parenting

related posts:

The Whole Parent Journey – Year One Retrospective

dad's gang

It’s been a year since I started this blog. 80 posts later, one firing, and a ton of growth, I am very happy to have set out on this journey. Today I’d like to celebrate the wins and learnings that have transpired over this first year of publishing. Let’s look at how we began, back on Sept. 21, 2013. [see the Full Index of all posts]

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Here is a gallery of all the cover images once I defined the brand style. I’ve covered a lot of territory. Not all of it easy, but hopefully in keeping with my 100% positive mission statement.

My goal has always been to improve my understanding of co-parenting, and how to keep coming back to the issues with a positive approach. It’s kid’s first. Nothing else matters.

As the divorce issues and parenting issues have gotten resolved the next progression along the path of wholeness is returning to the idea of being in a relationship again. And while this blog did not start out with a “dating” agenda, I believe that “wholeness” will come from finding a long-term romantic relationship again. Along that path I have journeyed back into the dating pool, and here I have attempted to capture some of my self-observations and lessons. Again, these are my observations, your milage may vary.

It’s been a great run so far, my traffic today averages 300 – 500 visitors a day, thanks to my affiliation with The Huffington Post and The Good Men Project. And I’ve even been made a contributing editor of the GMP.

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And the monthly growth has been pretty astounding.

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So here’s to the next year. Thank you for joining me on this journey, I hope you stay tuned.

Click here to see the Full Index of all posts.

Always Love,

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

related posts:

image: team dad, john mcelhenney, cc 2010

What a Single Dad *Still* Wants in a Relationship (9-month update)

WHOLE-goldgirl

 

Don’t kill the heat by worrying about the fire damage.

UPDATE / 9 Months Later (7-30-14) – What A Single Dad Wants in the *Next* Relationship

One of the things I’ve learned thus far, never assume you have it figured out. This list has come back to bite me on more than one occasion. Sure, I’m okay with being a single-parent blogger and getting into the dating/relationship space, just a bit. And I’m okay with telling you I write about stuff, and might even write about our relationship should we hit it off.

Well, let me tell you how my last three months has gone. We hit it off, sort of. We hit some parts of relating in spades, and other parts, not so much. Here are a few more points that I’ve learned in the course of dating another single parent for three+ months.

1. Long-Term Relationship Or Bust
Saying that I’m only interested in a long-term relationship, or marriage, is not very accurate. This was the first issue that freaked this woman out. She politely said, “We’ve got a lot of heat, but I don’t think I want the same things you want. I’m not looking to get married again. Ever. So if that’s your goal, you’d best keep looking.”

But…

There was no argument. However, we were both sad when our chemistry and joy was absent again from our lives. And she texted later, “do you want to hit.” We were tennis buddies. And what unfolded from that “date” was an agreement that we would stay in the present and not get too far ahead of ourselves. Starting a relationship and having a Relationship are two different things. Couldn’t we just enjoy our present moment together? Sure, let’s try that.

I have had to recant my declaration of long-term quite a number of times. Though I know, what I want is a long-term relationship. Not a question for me. The question is, what does that look like? That’s the sticky wicket.

2. If You Stay Present You Won’t Get Scared
It’s the future that gives my friend the freak out posture. The best case scenario, even in her mind, is a bit diffuse. And it is also pretty abstract when I start thinking about next year, or two years from now. I’d like to still be involved with this highly intelligent woman, who I completely dig on all burners, but who knows… Right. Who knows? Certainly we don’t know. We’re just starting out. But that’s our pattern and our fear that comes into our minds when we start mapping out too far in advance. And, in all fairness, it’s not necessary. NOW is it. Stop with the “what if.”

3. Making It Up As We Go Along
So we don’t really have a word for what we “are.” I don’t like dating, so I’m not dating her. She doesn’t like the idea of a long-term relationship so we’re not doing that either. Do we need an easy handle on what we are forming between us? No. Is it more convenient if you are able to say, my boyfriend and my girlfriend? Maybe a tad better than my lover, or my life-mate. But please, we’re splitting hairs. Do we like to be together? Yes. Are there things we like to do together besides fool around in bed? Yes. Then do that. Do all of that.

4. Hold On Loosely
So she doesn’t want to read my love poems. She doesn’t need to read my blog. I don’t have to get my yayas by getting her to tell me I’m a good writer or a swell poet. I don’t need that reassurance. I’m okay with who and how I am. And she also doesn’t want to hear if I’m still looking for the next relationship, though she wants to be clear that she’s not it. Well, sometimes she’s okay with that. (Yes, she’ll be reading this at some point, and I’ll get her side of the story) We’re figuring that out too. What we are, what we will be. Who knows? If I think I know, I’m delusional. I have no idea. What I do know is we have an honest relationship. She’s able to say when she’s pissed off at something I’ve done or written. And I’m able to let her breakup demands roll off my shell until we’re able to meet in-person and talk things out. That’s as far as we’ve gotten. And that’s fine.

5. Texting Is Dangerous and Lovely
The minute there is a misunderstanding on text, stop trying to figure it out, or argue it out on text. STOP. Get face-to-face and talk. You cannot read the person’s attitude. You have no idea what is really going on when the text comes across saying, “I’ve gotten some very disturbing news.” Um, what? Just STOP. Trying to answer complaints, answer requests for reassurance, basically answering anything that has an edge to it, is very risky to continue via text. Our average is 1-out-of-10. Just forget about it and ask for a meeting. “Sweetie, let’s get together and talk about this.” That’s all you need to know. It’s never gone afoul when we are able to actually talk. Yet. (grin)

6. The First Three Months Are Not Real
We’re still pushing boundaries, still finding rhythms, still managing two single-parenting schedules to try to find time to be together. The good thing is we ARE trying to get together. We’re both trying. We both make efforts. And that’s enough for now. Just as the long-distance relationship has a tendency to create a honeymoon extension, the single-parent dating cycle is quite gated by our ability to find the time to be together. That’s probably a good thing.

7. All About the Kids
In the end, our kids come first. We’ve got to make them the priority. They are dependant on us and our availability. Our adult relationships are not. Your “dating” needs to be able to weather some disappointments. When the kid is sick and the date doesn’t’ go off as planned, it’s got to be okay. And that goes back to the idea of single parents dating other single parents. We get it. If at some point in the future we decide to blend our family lives more, we’ll have more insight into the inner workings of the other parent-child relationship. Until then, we should butt out off all things kid-related. Other than giving their kid priority access to them, obviously.

8. I Have No Idea
Where are we going? Why should I really be concerned about not knowing what the future holds in store for me and my special friend? There are over a hundred things that could upset the apple cart in the next three months. Why spend energy and time trying to figure the future out? Don’t. Go read some Power of Now. Go for a walk alone when your new partner can’t make it. In the end, go on about your lives as if…

As if the other person is just a “nice to have” and not a “must have.” Going that far, and putting too many expectations on the future of your relationship is enough pressure to blow it up right there. Don’t kill the heat by worrying about the fire damage.

Always Love,

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

The Dating a Divorced Dad series continues:

related posts:

image: goldfrappe, publicity photo, creative commons usage

Dear Single Mom: Listen, I Was Your Son, I Get It

WHOLE-momasboy

Get clear for yourself, and your family will follow your healthy example.

I know it’s hard to be a single mom. Though I’ve never been one, I have been the son of a single mom. We went through an awful divorce (their divorce) together, and we survived. We’re partners in survival. And still, there are a few lessons that we went through, that *perhaps* I can help with. So your son doesn’t have to experience the same issues later on in life. (I’ve written about this before, see: Little Man)

1. Her champion. Her knight in shining armor. Her protector. Her counselor. Her comfort.

While this is the noble message inside every son’s heart, it is the wrong focus for him. While it might feel good to have him attempting to be chivalrous and overly protective of you, this is not his role. This is an empty bonding that will have consequences later on as he individuates from you. He will often feel like he still needs to be your champion. He will make choices based on protecting you, rather than taking care of his own needs. Take a step back from your champion and release him.

2. Her greatest achievement. Her reason for surviving the divorce. The reason it was “all worth it.”

Your son is probably awesome. He is struggling a bit, but achieving great things. Fine. Give it back to him, and don’t make it about you and your success as a single mom. Let him have his success without the echoes of your efforts and how you too have struggled to provide this supportive and loving environment for him. Of course you are providing support and love as best you can. And either his Dad is in or out of the picture. But don’t make his success about you. Don’t claim a joint victory. He’s not your champion, nor is he carrying your colors into battle. He will have battles aplenty for himself. Let him carry his own banner into battle.

You can cheer him on, without needing to join in the glow of his wins. And the same holds true for his losses. Let him have them. Loss is part of life. And learning to deal with loss (yes, even the loss of his fantasy family life) is part of growing up. Let him lose, let him cry, let him be defeated. And from those ashes be there when he rises back up to face the next challenge. I know it’s hard, but the more you can stand by as a supporter rather than a cheerleader or apologist, the better off he’s going to be at facing the next challenge without fear of losing. And really, without the fear of losing and disappointing you again.

3. Her sacrifice.

You son is not your sacrifice. He is not the reason you have carried on, nor the reason you choose not to reenter the idea of having a relationship for yourself. You son is merely a part of your joint story. Don’t make your survival or heroic efforts about him. Even if they appear to be about him, keep that observation for yourself and your therapist. You son NEVER needs to hear of your sacrifice. Nope. Don’t put that hollow trophy in his already-heavy backpack of life.

You are the driver. Don’t try to ride shotgun. Lead, drive, take charge of your life and show what healthy recovery after divorce looks like.

4. Her focus.

Get your life in order. Let your son have his life. If you focus too much on him and his happiness two unfortunate things happen: 1. he comes to depend on your energy and praise for his own happiness;  2. he begins to feel that his happiness is somehow connected (re: responsible) for your happiness. Please don’t link these two things together. You are your focus. Your son will benefit most from your healing and recovery. He will learn the most about surviving tough circumstances by seeing you survive and ultimately thrive. You cannot bring him happiness, but you can show him what happiness looks like. And remember, your happiness is NOT about his happiness. It feels that way. It hurts that way. But that projection is for you to work out with someone else, not with your son.

5. Her hopes and dreams of a better life.

Of course you want a better life for both of you. Of course you might have preferred a better dad, a better marriage, a better family unit. But you’ve got to move on now and prepare for your life. Your son is along for the ride, but he is not the driver. Nor is his happiness and success your goal. You might think it is. You might hyper-focus on your son’s joy and success. But you must really learn to focus on your own recovery and return to joy. Your hopes and dreams for a better life must come to life in actions and not just words. You must show your son your commitment to YOUR happiness by doing what needs to be done for you. Trust that he will come along for the ride you are providing. You are the driver. Don’t try to ride shotgun. Lead, drive, take charge of your life and show what healthy recovery after divorce looks like.

6. Sons and Lovers.

All through my life I have struggled with my relationships with woman. Go figure. Guess what, it’s a universal truth. And it’s NOT MY MOM’S FAULT.

You ARE doing it right. AND there are a few insights that might help you hear your son’s struggles.

That being said, it does have a lot to do with my relationship to my mom. AND my relationship to my dad. It’s all about family of origin. That’s okay. But don’t wrap your son too tightly in the swaddling clothes. Your job is to set him upright, give him healthy encouragement, and let him go. Your job is to do everything you can to get healthy yourself and not color your relationship with your son by overly depending or guiding him.

With my mom, I am still looking for her approval. I am still a tiny bit attached to her happiness as part of my mission. It’s not a huge thing. I’ve taken as much of it as I can to therapy and learning to let go of those little boy expectations and dreams. But we’re still in this story together. Of course we are. Sons and Mothers are always connected. Your son will always be yours. But you have to let him go as early as possible to let him develop independant of you and your struggles, hopes, and dreams.

My Truth

Get clear for yourself, and your family will follow your healthy example.

I tell you these little bits of my story not to say “I’m right,” but to give you a possible glimpse into what your son is going through, and will continue to work through, for most of his adult life. It’s okay, we all have family of origin stuff to deal with and process as adults.

And I can guess these few truths about you, even having never met you.

  1. Your son is so lucky to have you, and he knows it.
  2. Your energy and love are not wasted. He IS growing up to be a fine young man.
  3. The pride and confidence you show in your son is the pride and confidence he will have in himself.
  4. Your son comes first. Before yourself, before a next relationship, before your dreams are your dreams for your son’s health and wellbeing.

You ARE doing it right. AND there are a few insights that might help you hear his struggles and back off just a little bit from overwhelming his own natural determination to grow and survive in spite of the hand he’s been dealt.

Take One Step Back

Take one step back the next time you want to overly defend your son. Take one breath before rushing in as he’s dealing with issues. Give his little spirit time to develop. (Even with less of your “inspiration and help,” he will get there.)

Breathe. You *are* in this divorce and journey of mothers and sons together. If you can take a tiny step back and allow your son to face the world alone, with you at his side (maybe slightly behind him), he will be stronger and more ready to face the world without you.

My heart goes out to you, and to my mom. And to the boys after me who are struggling to find their identities with absent or withdrawn fathers.

Always Love,

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

related posts:

references:

image: house for an art lover – series, jean-pierre dalbéra, creative commons usage

What A Single Dad Wants In the *Next* Relationship

WHOLE-tennisgirl

[Feb 2016 Update: Dating a Divorced Dad – Version 2.0 Updated]

Let’s Hook Up, Wait. I Mean, Let’s Go Out On A Date…

We’ve both got some history under our belt, kids, and some requirements for what’s OK and what we simply won’t ever do again. (Red Flags, we like to call them.) As we navigate “dating” again, we quickly realise the rules are very different. Our experience gives us some distinct advantages in terms of recognising what we don’t want. And perhaps our unfinished wounding might keep us from starting the dating process again.

Don’t miss the exciting conclusion of this single dad’s journey:
A Single Dad In Love, Again

Rules for dating a single dad.

(I’ve got two kids and a full-time job, but I’d still like to find time to be with someone.)

1. Let’s not rush into things.

I will admit that getting back out there, for me, as a man, initially was about sex. Today, I think sex can get in the way of learning if you like the person. And if you’re going to do more than lay around in bed with this person, you’d might want to go easy on the seduction moves at first. Get to know if you like talking to, as well as looking at your potential partner. I don’t have any hard rules on this. But if you slow the drive to the bedroom you might avoid getting mixed up in something purely physical. It can blur your vision when trying to figure out if you want to hang with this person for the long run.

2. I’m Looking for 100% Pure Connection

Half my life is behind me. I have two beautiful kids. And I’m happy with myself, just as I am. (I’d like to keep getting fitter, but my joy is genuine.) In several previous online dates I found myself sitting across the table from very attractive, usually younger, women who had nearly nothing in common with me. I could see myself eyeing their bodies and trying to imagine the sex, but I stopped myself, pretty quickly, even with the fantasizing. It takes a lot to get to a second date with me. Today, I’m even getting pretty stingy with first dates. I don’t want a “date.” I don’t want nice. I want my next relationship to start out with the potential going the long distance. I’ve never been a casual dater.

3. I’m Into Moms

If my date doesn’t have kids, they probably don’t have much in common with me. At our age kids are either a choice you made or one you didn’t. And nothing against the non-parents in the group, but I’m so wrapped up with my kids, that if you don’t have that same passion and joy, we’re probably going to have to look for things to have engaging conversations about. If you have kids, we’ve got an immediate starting point for everything. Trying to talk about your kids with a woman who’s not a mom… Well, they just don’t get it.

4. Let’s Be Clear About This

Games of any kind are an immediate time out. Passive aggressive might have worked in some other decade, but as adults, we should’ve gotten that silliness out-of-the-way. One thing I will tell a first date, “You can ask me anything. In fact, I prefer the hard questions. I’m trying to learn the answers myself. I will always try to answer honestly.” And the one relationship I’ve had since my divorce, went right for it. And while we are no longer a relationship we went through the whole process, getting to know each other >> dating >> breaking up, without any drama. None. We’re still friends. That’s how it needs to be. Let’s do without all the crazy stuff.

5. Brutally Honest

If it’s not a fit on the first date I’m going to try to let you know as gently and as quickly that it wasn’t a fit. I think that initial attraction is something that we can’t really control or completely predict, but I also don’t think we can do without it. I have created a dog metaphor to help me explain what I’m talking about. And I usually share this concept on the first date. (Hmm. Maybe this explains a lack of second dates.) Here it is. Two dogs meet up in a park. Either 1. both tails are wagging; 2. one tail is wagging; or 3. neither tail is wagging. It’s as simple as that. I was born with a Boston Terrier’s body. I can be several different sizes of Boston Terrier, but if you’re into whippets and poodles, we’re probably never going to be a match. And there’s no accounting for taste. I think some of this is hardwired.

6. The Spark Is Only a Start

If the chemistry (tail wag) is ON, there are still a ton of steps along the path before we’re in a relationship. We need to have intellectual compatibility. (If I’m a reader and you’re a reality tv junkie, we might not go the distance.) We need to synchronize our schedules over time. (Kids, work, and all the other stuff we’re just remembering we love to do) have to be the priority. It may take several months to get in our first four dates, but… Like I said earlier, we shouldn’t be in a hurry. And then we’ve got all the negotiations about how and when we want to see each other. (Let’s not start with jumping in bed or looking at vacation calendars for a while. Okay?)

7. Fearless Commitment To Monogamy

At first divorce may seem like we’ve gotten the key to the kingdom of sex again. It’s not that easy. If that IS what you are looking for, go for it. I won’t be in your queue. If we do decide to sleep together I want to know that we’ve just become mutually exclusive. That might be a stretch if you’re playing the field, or not sure about what you want. It’s not difficult for me. By the time we get past 1st-base I’m letting you know that I am into you. And if you want to go further, we’ve got to establish some mutual objectives. (If we’re about to sleep together I can assure you we’ve had this conversation.)

8. Feeling the Feelings

Men are often accused of not feeling their feelings. And, in fact, feelings can be scary for both men and women.  But as we begin navigating our time together we’ve got to be able to talk about whatever we’re feeling. The beauty of that is feelings include the ability to fully love. So when opportunity arrises I look forward to being 100% present with my feelings. There might have been a disconnect on those terms in my previous marriage. But I’m a learning individual. I know that I feel deeply and I enjoy being expressive of those feelings. If feelings scare you, that might be something for you to look at. Feelings are the key to compatibility, in my opinion.

+++

I look forward to having another opportunity to learn about myself “in relationship” at some point. I’m happy and patient right where I am. But I believe by having my priorities clear and articulated I can do a better job of finding and sorting through the process of finding that NEXT RELATIONSHIP. I wait enthusiastically.

+++

UPDATE: Responding to a comment on another site about this post, I’d like to share a few more observations.

Thank you for your comment. Here are several points where I think we need more discussion.

1. Dating younger women. Yes, I selected these potential dates and knew their age, and also that they had not ever had children. My post shows some of my learnings as a result of these mistakes. It’s pretty telling for both men and women when their profile says they are 50 and they want to date partners who are 30 – 40. I’m not that guy. I’m pretty clear about wanting a woman who’s experienced a lot of the world. And in that model they’ve probably had kids, and are generally within 5 years of my age, on either side. My one girlfriend since divorce was a couple years older.

2. Straight to sex. Hmmm. This is one I try to cover in the post in several different ways. If this is the case, we are not a fit. (I can only speak from my perspective, not your’s, or her’s.)

3. Who pays, who is the predator, and who’s demanding sex? I agree with many of the things you say are wrong between the relationships between men and women. I am not an apologist for the cultural norms that have stacked the deck against those of us who are trying to elevate the discussion about it all. And I think our culture’s focus on youth is way off base. But I’m not sure porn is any more the driver then the Miley-Cyrus-type circus of celebrity and mainstream media. Our culture feeds on extremism. And it has an effect on all of us, adults and teenagers.

The discussion I am hoping to facilitate is the antithesis of these issues. That’s why I am trying to come out with my individual perspective that seems to be different from the experiences you’ve had. We learn. We evolve. Or we don’t. I am hoping to get better, clearer, and more honest with each attempt at being in a relationship.

I really do appreciate you taking a chance and voicing your opinion. We (men and women) need to have more frank discussions about desire, sexual preferences, and how we want to relate to each other in and out of the bedroom.

AND ANOTHER UPDATE:

I didn’t “find myself on a date” I realised during the date, with an attractive woman who was within my desired age range who happened to be younger than me and not a mom. It was my realization that we had nothing in common (yes we seemed to have a lot of spark on txt messages and via email) once we were sitting at a table together. It was a moment of finding myself, not discovering that she was younger. I discovered that I wasn’t interested in this attractive, younger, woman for a variety of reasons I tried to articulate. I understand the knee-jerk reaction. There are just as many women in online dating who do the exact same thing. Again, that is not what I am looking for. And sex is way off in the future, for ME. What she might be thinking, her motivations for sitting at the table are for us to discover, hopefully, via clear and honest communication.

Always Love,

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

The Dating a Divorced Dad series continues:

New Dating Strategy in 2015:

image: tennis girl smelled so nice, austin, texas, july 2013 – john mcelhenney