I might have been on a fool’s errand. A romantic quest to find the *deepest* love again. What I think I shared with my wife when we had children together. I could not have been more connected and overwhelmed with feelings of love, hope, and an optimistic approach to parenting our children together forever.

Somewhere along the way, my then-wife changed the plan. She opted out. She filed for divorce and asked the state of Texas to give her the “divorce package.” Effectively, she got 70% of the kids time, the marital home, and a $2,000 a month tax-free child support payment that paid the mortgage and then some. She got out. She got most of the kid time. She’s still unhappy. Hmm. Maybe her existential unhappiness was not about me.

As I’ve quested along, post-divorce, looking for a long-term partner I have learned more and more with each attempt about good love. I’ve found good love. I’ve lost good love. I’ve learned more about what good love is to me.

Deep Love Defined

I’m wondering aloud today, about my own classification of *deep love* and what I’m exploring with this idea.

There are two types of parents.

1. parents who are 100% transformed by the birth of their first child into a more spiritual and grateful human being.
2. parents who want kids to fit into their existing lifestyle (extreme sports, extreme vacations, extreme success at business).

I was not enlightened by becoming a father, but I was knocked off my mindfulness kick into a role more mindful. And for the first time in my life, more mindful of another’s needs, hopes, and dreams, than my own. I welcomed the change. I believe my wife at the time, went with me into that new *church of parenthood.*

The Church of Parenthood

Soon, we had a second child and our journey got more blessed and more complex. The crash of 9-11, our decision to go ahead with a second child in spite of the anxiety, and our leaky little boat of hope and love. We struggled through the churn of unemployment, health insurance lapses, and financial hardships. We lived in an affluent white neighborhood with great schools, and we committed ourselves to “whatever it takes.”

Well, to be fair, that was my thinking. Even as things got more difficult between my wife and me, we could focus our attention on the children and their magical growth and entertainment. We nurtured, played, wrestled, and thrived in the big bed of chaos that is parenting young kids.

As the kids got a bit older, things began to change in our marriage. One of the biggest changes is how my creative projects and time in the studio became a pain point for my then-wife. She had dropped all of her creative pursuits to be an uber-mom. Her art dwindled, became less important in her present moment, and morphed into a “mom’s story of being a mom.” All good, except for the part where she began to resent my creative time.

Instead of being supportive of each other as artists, and our artist time away from the coupleship, my wife began to complain about my creative time. Somehow, I was not doing enough to make the house clean, the bank account sufficiently full, and… most importantly… her happy. I could not make her happy. No matter what I did. I got a better job. I hired a nanny who cooked and cleaned. I tried to free up my wife to do whatever she wanted to. She was still unhappy.

Kids and Divorce

So, my wife decided the grass was greener elsewhere. She would be happy if I was gone. She could move on and find someone who understood her better, and could give her more of what she wanted. She was certain that a different partner would make her happy. I don’t think it was the right answer, but that’s my perspective. I was willing to fight it out to keep the marriage. I got us into couples therapy TWICE, me, the man, to keep our marriage alive. She consulted an attorney without bringing it up in therapy. “Um, wait, what’s the point of going to couple’s therapy if…” Never mind.

After the divorce, even with the time, house, and money, my ex-wife struggled to get her life in order. She struggled with me. She resented my ongoing happiness, and how the kids seemed to have a great time when they were with me, on alternating weekends. (Not enough time, but we did our best.) Once, my son mentioned telling his mom they wanted her to get them ready for school “like dad does.” Turns out, she was never a morning person, and I had shouldered most of the breakfast-backpack-to-school routine for our family. After the divorce, both kids were written up for attendance. My daughter even had to attend summer school to make up for her missed days. I think they were “tardy” with me once on my day.

As it normally happens, the son bonds with the mom, and the daughter bonds with the dad. I was certainly a momma’s boy after my dad was kicked out for being an alcoholic. But that was the part I couldn’t reconcile. I was not an alcoholic. I never cheated or sought comfort outside of the marriage. My ex will have to answer for those issues on her own, but I think the guilt weighed on her greatly after the divorce.

Dad In Pieces

It’s true I suffered mightily from divorce after the divorce. My world collapsed from a future I’d imagined into two weekends a month. I lost my purpose.

I rediscovered my own inner happiness as a result of the greatest loss I’d ever imagined. I came back from this darkness into a life coach for couples, parents, men and women, working on relationships, parenting, and divorce. It’s not my main gig, but I am honored when getting to shepperd people along the journey to wholeness and happiness again. I could not fix my then-wife. I learned from the failure, that I could be an ally. I can’t give someone the keys to happiness, but I can point them in the right direction. The first step is understanding that happiness is an inside job. My wife was looking for reasons she was unhappy. Maybe she still is. But, I was not the reason she was unhappy then. I am certainly not the reason she is unhappy now. She might beg to differ, still seeking joy outside of her own actions and thoughts.

Deep Love

What if the *deep love* I am imagining is similar in misdirection as my ex-wife’s search for happiness through others? I am sort of doing the same thing.

I have had six amazing relationships in 15 years. Three of them I would classify as long-term attempts. The other three were also inspired and honest, but never elevated to “life partner” planning. And here’s what I’m missing about my own journey: take it one day at a time.

I have started going on a few “hello dates” and I’ve already worn myself out with all my talking and probing. I get tired of my own voice. I want someone who is also electrified and passionate. Someone who lights up when we connect, over music, art, writing, conversation. Even before we’ve kissed, the chemistry should be warming up.

Backing myself up a bit, let me today understand that my concept of *deep love* may be an illusion. A romantic construction that I have imagined. I am looking for a partner. I am looking to have a life-time partner. But… and here’s the rub… I can’t know if this is THE ONE. Maybe there isn’t such an imaginary beast. What I think I need to do is focus on THE NOW, and not THE ONE.

Again, this is a reset for me. I have experienced total love and affection over the last 14 years. And most of the time, I have felt loved and nurtured. What was it that broke down in each relationship? That’s more difficult to explain, but it wasn’t a lack of transparency and effort. Not on my part, anyway.

So, if *deep love* was part of becoming a parent, perhaps that transformation is no longer possible. If I could find good love, and stick with my partner through thick and thin, toils and snares, injuries, accidents, and mistakes. If I am willing to stay in THE NOW, perhaps my idealistic concepts of THE ONE or *deep love* don’t really matter.

At least for today, only this moment matters. As I give up these idealistic concepts, maybe I can get back to just being in conversation, in contact, and in connection with someone new. For as long as it works out. Can we plan for anything more than that? If enthusiasm and authentic affection open the connection, what are the things that will keep our fires burning bright and burning in concert with one another? I’m prepared to find out when I’m given another chance.