Habit Awareness: I’m a reader. A thinker. I want more data. So, I often to more research than others, more planning, more strategic approaches. And, this is only a first date. Nothing to it. Be natural. Also, be aware of what type of person you are meeting and what some common pitfalls might be.

Myers Briggs and Relationships

Let’s assume you want to stack the deck in your favor. And in your future/new partner’s favor as well. Myer Briggs has an interesting personality style that fits me, and gives me insight into myself. I’ve never tried to evaluate it as a compatibility system. Well, I did, a few years ago when a middle manager went dark on me. She told me she was an INTJ. Every trait is the opposite of mine. Oh boy. Here’s what a friend of mine said in an email when I asked them about their experience.

She’s SPOCK. Just the facts and the logic. Evaluation. Decision. You are BONES. Feeling, finding emotional answers, showing emotions in both love and frustration. Those examples make perfect sense to me.

So, let’s switch the context to a first date. Let’s say I’m an ENFP. Here are a few tidbits about my personality type.

ENFPs are independent and creative, always on the lookout for the magic and meaning in everyday life. They can’t help but ponder the deeper significance of life – even when they should be paying attention to something else.

When something sparks their imagination, ENFPs show an enthusiasm that is nothing short of infectious. These personalities can’t help but radiate a positive energy that draws other people in. YET, one of our pain points is also part of this enthusiasm. Once their initial bloom of inspiration wears off, ENFPs can struggle with self-discipline and consistency, losing steam on projects that once meant so much to them.

The honeymoon phase is a highly addictive moment that cannot be sustained. You might be able to extend it beyond the usual three months or so, but you need to be prepared for the mundane. The everyday tasks we all have to deal with. Folding laundry. Picking up (and actually cleaning) the house. These are not natural routines for me as an ENFP. While I am connected and grounded in my house, the balance between clean and chaos is usually pegged on GO when I’m in a creative phase.

Experimenting In the Dating World

Let’s say I’m going on a hello date with a woman I find alluring and attractive. AND, the critical part, she appears open and interested in a date with me. She actually suggested the first fun activity. I was out of town. Tonight, however, we might be meeting for the first time. Here’s what I know. She thinks she’s an INTJ. (“I’ll need to read up on it.”) But, given that information, I thought I might look up our compatibility strategies before we meet. Here are a couple things I know already, before any external research.

Extroverts with introverts can do fine, but it’s going to take a bit of self-management for the E and a bit of patience to allow the I to get their thoughts and plans together. I know I can run an introvert over in minutes if I don’t moderate and modulate my enthusiasm. I know this about myself. I have tried dating one introvert and it was good because she was so solid and confident. She was also able to pause my roll from time to time when she needed a bit more time to form an answer. She knew this about herself and she could ask for a moment.

Here’s what a little research says about this combo. “The communication dynamic works because the INTJ is content to let the ENFP lead the conversation. This reduces the pressure on the INTJ to constantly generate topics and frees up their mental energy to analyze and process the ideas the ENFP presents.” That sounds about right.

For INTJs: ENFPs value direct, honest communication but are sensitive to emotional tones in relationships. Be tactful with your honesty, as your straightforwardness can sometimes come across as blunt or confrontational, especially when offering feedback.

For ENFPs: Give the INTJ space to think before speaking, especially during important discussions. INTJs may avoid addressing issues, so they’ll appreciate direct, honest communication and time to process their thoughts.

Sharing physical space can be tricky for this INTJ + ENFP combo. INTJs are more aware of their surroundings and often take on cleaning and organizing due to their structured nature, while ENFPs may overlook these tasks. To avoid resentment, agree on a cleaning schedule or system to maintain harmony.

Making a Plan to Connect

Here’s my plan.

• Listen as much as possible. Don’t interrupt. Don’t even add-on. Be quiet.
• Draw her out by asking open-ended questions. And give her time to formulate her answers.
• Take all connective data as a sign the trust is growing. Find the common ground.
• Admire their courage. For coming on the date. For opening up during the conversation.
• Pause each time before changing subjects. Slow it down.
• Go for simple. No need to impress. Showing off is an E (extrovert) trait that boggles I (introvert) minds.
• Pay attention to the present moment. No flights of fantasy. No epic proposals. Keep it grounded.

On the Plus Side of This Combo

If the pattern plays out as predicted, she will be happy to go along with my stream-of-consciousness-like rambling, as long as I give pauses, ask for her input, and listen to her answer with intentional focus. I want to be heard. She wants to be given time to hatch and articulate her plan.

On the Minus Side of This Combo

I can steamroll a less-confident introvert. Of course, I have been working on this aspect of my personality since I was a kid. “John, you don’t have to talk to loud, we’re all right here.” I wasn’t being loud in my mind, I was just enthusiastic. My partner should have established coping patterns for their inward focus as well. She will need to give her opinion, ideas, approval.

One of the things that has driven me batty in several relationships is the lack of desire. Not sexually, just about life. When I ask, “What song do you want to start our road trip with?” I am seeking a connection between us. I want to learn about your musical tastes and how those feel. When I ask, “What do you want for dinner?” I am seeking a spark of light from you. It’s easy for me to decide. I’m asking you to have an opinion. More honestly, I’m asking you to give a shit. Share what YOU want. Otherwise, I will lead myself into boredom. When we’re discussing plans for Friday and Saturday night, don’t always leave it up to me. If we decide on alternating date-night planning, don’t skip your opportunity.

Listening for YES

Here’s my newly established perspective on dating. Just get out there. Get over yourself and your amazing story. Unwrap their magic. Ask for their ideas. Provide space and quiet for their responses.

So much of relating to another person is feeling seen. I want to provide a safe atmosphere for her to express her ideas, no matter what they are, and be heard. I don’t have to agree. I don’t have to argue. I just need to listen. Collaboration is essential for this combo of E with I to work. I will have to slow my Robin Williams energy. She will need to bring her Emily Blunt confidence and challenge.

I’m revising a few of my rules. A phone call is nice, but not required. A first date is an adventure, even when they are wild misses. I am not that precious, let them have 50% of the road. Find the slow zen approach I’ve been cultivating and explore the tai chi flow of chemistry, conversation, and contact. Then…

Let go of expectations. Open to the present moment. Look into their eyes. Say less. Seek echoes and reverberations that warm both of you. Pause frequently. Let the silence bring out their voice. Allow the moment to be quiet. It is not my job to fill spaces, entertain, or impress. Those are my qualities, for sure, but an inner-person needs to warm up to an outer-person. Understand that, and we will be fine. From there, wait for the wow. Listen for joy. Feel how your inner emotions are responding. Smile.

Most of all: Give Them Attention.

I take up plenty of it even when I am trying to be mindful and careful.