Becoming a single dad was one of the most traumatic events of my life. I did not want the divorce, I fought against the divorce, and ultimately I agreed to collaborative divorce and was taken to the cleaners by an ex who decided to go for the “divorce package” rather than honor our 50/50 shared parenting agreement.
Walk away from the burning building slowly and without panic. You didn't cause the fire, and you certainly can cure the fire starter. It's best to bless former date, wish them well, and step back into the fishing boat. Sadly, sometimes, even with a ton of potential, there's just nothing else to be done.
I guess you have to be on the brink of suicide to really understand it. The hope is that you will find a reason to step back from the edge. The tragedy is when people, successful and seemingly happy people, don't step back.
We're all on this journey alone. No matter how many loving family members or supportive friends are around us, it is our decision that keeps us walking past the open window.
It would be great to think we have evolved beyond Hot or Not, but really it’s hard-wired. The immediate reaction that we label “chemistry” is really a swipe to the left “nope” or a swipe to the right “yes.” It’s what happens next that is more important.
And so we divorced. I was not happy about it. And though I swear I'm moving on, I don't guess I will ever fully be OVER it. I mean, what am I doing tonight? Seeing if a date is going to materialize through the texts and emails I'm exchanging with someone from Match.com. And I'd rather be hanging with my kids: chatting about their day, their projects, their hopes and dreams. Much like the past five days of this dad-weekend.
I wanted 50/50 parenting. Not because of the money, but because that's how we'd raised our kids thus far, that's how we joined in our commitment to have kids in the first place. As long as the laws are written to give the mom the money and the time with the kids, the dads are going to have to fight for their rights to be equally valued in the post-marriage parenting plans.
What I can do, is fight a bit for what I think is right. I can let the AG's office thrash at me a bit longer. I can begin paying my monthly obligations like clockwork to keep their enforcement tools from dropping all my bank accounts to zero. Today, I can begin fighting back for future fathers. And, today, I can work towards a tiny balance of power surrounding the child support debt I owe.
Father's day was a day of celebration while I was married. As a single dad, it takes on a slightly different tone for me. I'm not sad on Father's Day, but I am reflective of what has become of my parenting relationship. With two teenage kids that live with their mom, my involvement is less than I would like.